American Bomber Page #3

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and then wandered around a bit.

Taking photos and stuff?

No camera.

Do you have a camera phone?

No phone.

How you gonna show your sweetheart back

home how big and ugly New York is?

I'm ain't really aiming on

going home.

One day walking around and you've

already decided to settle down?

Home must be a real shithole.

It is.

A guy I knew once told me

whereever you are,

that's your home.

Was he homeless?

Not at all.

He's been living in the

same place for 12 years.

Are you from here?

From New York?

No.

I moved here about 10 years ago.

For school.

Feels like 10 million years ago.

Is there anyone in New York

who's actually from New York?

Sure.

There's a native on the corner.

You didn't seem him?

He'll sell you wampum for

fire water and beads.

Where are you from originally?

I'm from PA.

Some shithole town in the

middle of nowhere

where the pinnacle of

human existence is

the big football game

down at the high school.

But you're probably into sh*t

like that.

Never been one for sports.

Big guy like you?

We do got our fair share of

douche bags here,

But most have got the god given

sense to stay in Williamsburg

and leave us be.

That's what I like

about this city.

Very little prejudice.

Everyone's prejudiced against

somebody.

True. But New Yorkers deal

with it better.

Blacks, whites, gays, Hasides

Hayseeds?

You're a f***ing hayseed.

Hasides. Hasidic jews.

And Muslims. And Christians

and Scientologists.

We all have to take the train.

And there's no back of the bus since

all the seats face one another, anyway.

Listen, I got to get back.

You mind if I ask you something?

You mind if I keep bumming

smokes on you?

Maybe.

Then maybe back at you.

You always buy drinks for strangers

hanging out on your stoop?

Only the cute ones.

God damn it.

Lord hates a coward. Huh, Jim?

What the f*** you staring at?

Haven't figured it out yet.

F***ing red neck.

You want a history lesson?

You know the Son of Sam?

Yeah.

He did his business

all around here.

Bernie Getz did his here.

Bernie Madoff did his here

and here

John Lennon got shot

right over here.

Dylan Thomas drank himself

to death right over here.

Sid did Nancy here.

And then also killed her.

Burroughs shot his wife

around here.

Solanis shot Warhol right around

here.

Jam Master J took the loss

right around there.

Spaulding Gray drowned himself

right around here.

And Heath Ledger O.D.'d

right over there.

You know what's funny?

No one's ever died

on Staten Island.

So husband's pulling up

in the drive.

Wex is sneaking out

the bathroom window

boots in hand.

Ends up falling into

the next door neighbor's yard.

It's their 9 year old daughter's

birthday party.

And he's wearing nothing

but his dogtags.

Oh, my god.

What did the family do?

The father, who's like a

huge Mexican dude,

comes over and starts beating

the sh*t out of him

with a broomstick like he's

a f***ing pinata.

Wex is protecting his head

and his manhood.

And when I could finally stop

laughing

I arrested him.

You arrested the father?

No. I arrested Wex.

I told the father I was an MP

and Wex was AWOL from

the Army loony bin

and if he kept hitting him,

I'd have to arrest him.

And that worked?

You'd be surprised what a man

in uniform can get away with.

Thanks for walking me home.

Hope it wasn't too far

out of your way.

Thanks for smoking half

my cigarettes.

Anytime.

Huh?

What took you so long?

Just trying to maintain

a respectful distance.

Fag.

Wait.

What is this?

You are booby trapped

from head to toe.

What is that?

Was my brother's.

St. Christopher.

Not really the kind of

protection I was thinking of.

Speaking of protection.

I wasn't really expecting to, uh

Spend the night with a woman

of low moral character?

I know.

There's a box under the bed.

I lost a shoe down there

last year.

If you find it, let me know.

Got it!

You sure?

I mean we just-

Yes, that's exactly why I keep

a box of condoms under my bed.

For indecisive moments.

You're not putting this off

because you have whisky dick?

Guess not.

We do this,

I get to stay the night.

No kicking me out after.

You want to spend the night?

Yes, ma'am.

They grow them big and dumb

down south, I guess.

You're out of cigarettes.

You want me go get a pack?

No. That's okay.

I'm sure I have a pack around

here somwhere.

Do you have any plans for today?

Was going to go do some more

sight seeing.

Where were you going to go?

Don't know. Maybe Times Square.

Maybe Central Park.

Or the Trade Center.

Why don't you go see Mamma Mia

at the goddamn Winter Garden?

You f***ing tourist.

Why the Trade Center?

It changed everything.

How could I not want to see it.

You know anybody who died there?

There? No.

So you are going to go to

a place where 1,000s of people

were murdered

some of whom still have

their remains there

because you saw

a special on CNN?

Like you would the Taj Mahal or

Eiffel Tower?

Do you know anybody who's been

murdered before?

Yes.

So how would you feel

if every year millions

of people lined up

at their grave to take photos

and to gawk and to buy t-shirts?

The whole experience

would cheapen

your friend's death,

don't you think?

Yeah. Yes it would.

So f*** the World Trade Center

and let me take you

to the real New York.

Don't you have to work?

Not until eight o'clock.

Alright. Let's do it.

What are you so happy about?

I've never seen the ocean before

Wow. Land lubber.

You know what's in

that direction?

No.

France.

And all we have to do

is keep going straight.

Come on.

So why's Nathan's famous?

You're such a f***ing moron.

I keep expecting to see

a Chevy Impala convertible

some greasers

tearing through here

like it was the

summer of '62

The Big C.I. is definitely

stuck in a time warp.

Guess it's why my ex brought me

here so much.

The whole retro bullshit

rockabilly thing.

How long you been broke up?

Broke up? Hell, I got divorced.

You were married?

Yeah.

I was hymenally challenged

before I met you.

Is that a problem?

Naw.

I just can't picture you

being married.

Well neither can I.

So, how long's it been?

Two years.

Two wonderful, glorious years

of being who I want to be,

living where I want to live

and going where I want to go.

What's the point of living

in the best city in the world

if you got a ball and chain

on your ankle?

That why you brought us here?

Think about your ex?

You're the one

who brought it up.

I came to eat some Nate dogs

and get my feet wet a little.

Just the same

thanks for letting me tag along.

Don't thank me yet.

Date's not over.

Is that what this is?

A date?

Better be,

or you're finding your way

home alone, cowboy.

Alright, a date it is.

What next?

The Wonder Wheel.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Thing looks like it'd give you

tetanus just looking at it.

C'mon, big boy.

Let's go.

Comfortable?

Maybe.

How about now?

You f***ing rotten bastard!

F*** face.

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