American Crude

1

JOHNNY:
Oh, what a

tangled web we weave.

When first we practice

to deceive.

That's Bill Shakespeare.

He knew it 500 years ago.

The art of deception has created

wars, destroyed kingdoms...

brought down the world's

greatest empires.

And it was a crude web of lies that

I wove that led to my downfall.

See that guy there?

That's me, Johnny Grand.

- Not so long ago, I had it all.

-(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Big house in the suburbs,

beautiful wife, plenty of dough.

The American dream.

And this is the story

of how I lost it all.

(SIREN WAILING)

(GUNSHOTS)

Meet my friend Carlos,

ex-client, another jailbird.

Only this one has

just flown the coop

with a little help

from yours truly.

I went to law school

with the right intentions...

but I got lost

somewhere along the line.

Felonious Spinks,

friend of Carlos.

Sometimes lover,

sometimes whipping boy.

Plays her almost as well

as he plays the saxophone.

-(JOHNNY MOANING) - This is my wife, Jane.

She likes it on top.

Always has to be in control.

Always did.

Johnny.

Johnny.

Earth to Johnny.

Oh.

What? What did you say? What?

We were making love and you just

drifted off in your own world again.

Who are you fantasizing about?

Concentrating,

trying not to come.

I want you inside me.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

JOHNNY:

This is my best friend, Bill.

Bill f***ed up. He trusted me.

Come on, honey,

I don't want to be late again.

I haven't even put on

my goddamn makeup yet.

Can't you put it on in the car?

I don't want to be

Mr. and Mrs. Tardy.

All right, you know what?

Don't start with me.

Jesus Christ.

JOHNNY:
This is Olivia, my

ex-girlfriend and the love of my life.

Next week she's marrying Bill.

-(MOANS) - What are you doing?

Let me go.

(GRUNTS) Let go.

(MOANS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What the hell was that?

I want a kid.

I don't.

Too bad, I'm ovulating.

- You said you were on the pill.

- Oh.

(CHUCKLES) I lied.

Did you just baby-rape me?

JOHNNY:
Meet Gigi LaRush,

exotic dancer. Very gifted.

I plea-bargained my way...

out of her third

solicitation offense

by setting the judge up

with a hooker.

Gigi owes me.

Goddamn sink.

(WATER DRIPPING)

Right now, Gigi's biggest

problem is her plumbing.

But by midnight it'll be murder.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

JOHNNY:
This is Enrique.

He thinks God is on his side.

-(DOOR OPENS) - He kidnaps young

girls, sells them for profit.

A long time ago he left Carlos

for dead.

His past will catch up to him

before the night is through.

And this is my father,

dear old Dad.

A master of deception

and a tower of corruption.

He's the perfect Republican.

He doesn't know it yet,

but he's in for a fall.

The boat leaves in the morning.

Bring me another one tonight.

Just like the last one.

A cheerleader.

Nice and young.

A teenybopper.

JOHNNY:
Introducing Tammy Snow.

All she wants is to follow

her dreams.

These are the players,

this is the night...

of the grand tragedy

that changed my life.

And this is how it all began.

Who were you thinking about?

(SIGHS)

When we were making love and

you were lost in some world.

Who were you fantasizing about?

I told you... ...I wasn't

fantasizing, I was concentrating.

(SIGHS) You fantasize about

other women, you said so.

Yeah, all men do that,

that's not the point.

Oh. I'd hope I'd be enough.

Don't take it personally,

none of us are.

What was the point

of getting married?

Marriage serves a perfectly useful and

reasonable sociological function.

Well, that's romantic.

It's necessary, what separates

us from the animals.

You're troubled,

do you know that?

You need to take one of those

mood medications or something.

Why do you always invalidate my

point by suggesting I'm unbalanced?

(SCOFFS) Well, aren't you?

Who isn't unbalanced?

You're not the poster child

for mental health yourself.

Oh, so now I'm crazy.

See, manipulation.

I'm damned if I do,

I'm damned if I don't.

That's how you work,

how women work.

Manny.

Hey.

It's Mr. Grand.

Hey, Mr. Grand,

good to talk to you.

Good to talk to you too.

Remember that conversation

we had last week?

That's right.?

Oh, yeah.

You score for me tonight...

you got a thousand big ones

coming your way.

A thousand?

That's right, a grand.

No, no problem.

That's what I like to hear.

Okay.

Okey-doke.

Yeah, no problem, bye.

(WOMAN WHIMPERING)

Yes, dear.

I know what time it is.

JOHNNY:
And this is my mother.

The day she filed for divorce,

she fell down the stairs.

Dad claims it was an accident.

Till death do us part.

Well, now, that should

just about do it.

(GRUNTS)

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, now, from what I could

deduce of the situation...

your drainage system was

entangled with a prophylactic.

The good news is that your

sink was never the problem.

Here it was with your garbage

disposal all along. And this...

This little fellow right here.

Why, he was gumming up

all the works.

Umm...

Listen, Jim...

I'm a little low on cash right now.

Is there anything I can get...

anything I can do for you?

I could use a glass of milk.

I don't have milk,

just cream for coffee.

That'd be just dandy.

A coffee?

No, just the cream, thanks.

Just a glass of cream?

Oh, boy, that'd be just dandy.

BAD KITTY:
(ON COMPUTER)

Hey, sk8er boy.

Webcam's still out, huh?

You said we were gonna hang on

Thursday, and then you never called.

What's the matter? Mommy and

Daddy won't let you out to play?

(VOCALIZES)

Tonight? Okay, you're on.

You little cutie-pie.

You'd better be there. Hope

you're as good as you sound.

You know downtown?

Like the back of my litter box.

Ooh.

You are a bad little kitty.

I live just east

of the convention center...

at 8th Street and...

Goddamn useless piece of sh*t.

How's your cream, Jim?

You know, Jim...

I'm running a little late

for work tonight, so maybe...

just this once we could

take a rain check?

I know what you do for work.

You don't exactly

have to "clock in."

I'm real sorry,

but I don't take rain checks.

I expect full payment upon completion

of each and every job I do.

And you know that.

Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry,

it was wrong of me to ask.

What would you like?

A spit and a polish

would do the trick.

Okay.

Yes, baby. Thattagirl.

Get in the car, Carnelito,

you're driving.

Where's the girl?

- I thought you said you were getting

me laid tonight. -(SMACKS LIPS)

Hold your horses,

she's in the trunk.

In the trunk?

In the trunk.

Well, is she hot?

(BANGING ON CAR TRUNK)

She's a real animal.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

OLIVIA:
What are you doing?

What do you mean?

F***ing rush me...

telling me how late we are...

and you let that guy in front

like we had all

the time in the world.

Jesus, what difference

does one car make?

Oh, that is what

everyone says, Bill.

I mean, one car turns into another

car, and another, and another.

That's not what this is about.

What is it about, Bill?

Johnny and Jane.

You don't wanna go.

I am having... I'm having a hard

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