American Pie Presents: Band Camp Page #2

Macro gonna f*** your ass up, fool.

- What the f***'s a macro?

- The Macro.

Morale And Conflict Resolution Officer.

I heard this one time,

this kid went into that office...

a baritone and came out a soprano.

- Clarinet up the ass backwards, yo.

- What?

Pussies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frankenstein. Scary stuff.

I am just a Boris Karloff nut.

- I'm the Macro, Mr. Levenstein.

- Holy sh*t, you're Jim's dad.

He screwed that redheaded nympho chick

at my lake house.

- Oh, my, you're not a Stifler?

- Yeah, I'm Steve's brother, Matt.

- There are two Stiflers?

- Yes, sir. Hey, what're you doing here?

Oh, well, Jim is now out of the house,

married to Michelle...

that redheaded nympho chick

that you spoke of.

And, being a former

Tall Oaks Counselor of the Year...

she was hired to be the Macro this summer,

but she got pregnant.

No doubt due to the tendencies

you alluded to earlier.

And I have a great rapport with

young people...

so I just stepped in and volunteered.

That cretin is not in our band,

and we are not responsible for his actions.

- Who pissed in your piccolo?

- I'm sensing some hostility here.

- He poisoned my band.

- What?

- I'm the Macro and it's my job to deal with...

- What is he doing here?

- Matt Stifler is pure evil just like his brother.

... conflict.

Thanks, Leesy.

She seems nice.

There are rules, of course.

- You will have to wear a beanie.

- Yeah.

Oh, I know. It's a little silly,

but it's tradition here...

something you're familiar with,

being on the football team, I'm sure...

with your elephant walks and circle jerks

and drinking butt beer.

But here, you just have to wear

a silly little hat and...

- a somewhat stylish Tall Oaks T-shirt.

- Yeah.

So, just go with the flow, Matt...

and you will have loads of fun...

and you'll be making new friends in no time.

Hey, Ernie Kaplowitz, tenor sax.

Cool! I'm a rookie here, too.

I really wanted to come last year,

but Computer Camp conflicted, and...

Oh, yeah, that was here when I arrived.

I think it has your name on it.

What is it?

Hi, welcome to Casa de Stifler.

I'll be your host, Matt.

Every day here, I'll make it my sincere goal

not to have to kick your ass.

Allow me to show you

to your new accommodations.

When I'm out here, you're in there.

Have a great day, fucko.

I don't...

Okay...

I'll just go and put this stuff away for you.

All right. Bandee-vision.

This is a 1978 Ohio State show...

The Wizard Of Oz.

The one where the sousaphone player

forgot to dot the I? Oh, hey.

Yeah, right. Freaks.

Never fear, the Stiffmeister's here.

Band Camp just got

a whole lot better, ladies.

You're Steve Stifler's younger brother,

aren't you?

- Young and hung.

- Great.

- Could you send him a message for me?

- No problem, senorita.

Well, it looks like Steve gave someone

the old Stifler bang-and-boot.

- Is there a problem here?

- No, everything's fine.

- Have fun at Band Camp.

- Thank you, I will.

- Later.

- Word.

You need to start showing some respect

around here, Stifler.

You need to show yourself

back to your table, Big Dog.

Out of my way, Yo.

Hola, chicas.

Elyse, so good to see you again.

So, what's going on tonight?

We gonna party, get a little crazy?

Who wants to rack up

a few frequent f***er miles?

- You know, you are the most...

- Most sexy man ever to come to Band Camp.

- What? Chloe, he is so obnoxious.

- Sexy obnoxious.

- Thank you.

- I'm tired of messing around with these...

dorky-ass nice guys...

and sensitive-artist types.

- Let's party with a real hombre tonight.

- Hell, yeah. That's me:

- 100% hombre.

- All right, my room, 8:00.

Great first day, campers.

This is your Macro speaking...

and, hey, morale

couldn't have been higher today.

So hop in the sack,

and get a good night's sleep because...

starting tomorrow, we have

many, many exciting activities planned...

not the least of which is

the race for the Tall Oaks Cup.

So let the games begin.

Bandeez Gone Wild.

Scene One. Party hombre.

It's called Strip Trivia. We made it up.

It's a Band Camp tradition.

"Fourth and Long," "Sextuplets,"

"Banging Babes," and "Who Blew Me?"

This looks like my kind of game.

Shall we play?

You sit in the middle.

Your game, my seating chart.

Sit a little closer, ladies.

Don't be scared. It's all right.

Okay...

the rules are simple.

You choose a category and a question...

and every time you miss, you strip.

Hell, yeah.

- I'll go first. "Who Blew Me?"

- Good.

I am a silver Stradivarius trumpet

played by a Pulitzer Prize winner.

Who blew me?

- Yeah, like I'd know.

- Sorry.

Lose the shoes, and pick again.

You didn't tell me this sh*t was about music.

- Well, it is Band Camp, moron.

- Hey, to be fair...

maybe we should just give him a head start.

All right. Yeah.

Okay, all right. All right.

What's wrong with you?

Scared to show off the mosquito bites?

I've matured since the fourth grade, Matt.

Have you?

Oh, I've got 10 pounds of dangling maturity

right here, Leesy.

- Quit calling me that.

- Okay, okay, moving on.

- Matt, just pick another question, please.

- All right, screw it. Whatever.

There you go. Suck on that.

- Fourth and Long.

- Sure, no problem.

Of Beethoven's major symphonies,

which has the longest fourth movement?

All right, I see where this is going.

Fine, you win.

I free ball, ladies.

Got to let the big boys breathe.

All right, we play by my rules now.

Football questions only.

Prepare to strip, ladies.

- Wait. But first, does anybody want a beer?

- I do.

The counselors have a secret stash

in the fridge across the hall.

- Would you mind?

- Now we're talking about a f***ing party.

Stiffy'll be back in a jiffy.

I mean, there's nobody around...

and we haven't seen your best side yet.

Yes! We got him.

So busted.

Man, big boys, wake up.

Just gotta turn down the A.C. In there, huh?

Good night, girls.

Sorry, a**hole, game's over.

Yeah, the big boys

will love the long walk home.

Room check, girls.

Oh, sh*t.

- Ditch his clothes.

- Out the window.

All right, who wants a long neck?

Nurse Sanders.

- They set me up.

- He attacked us with pepper spray...

- and ruined our graduation.

- I went there for a friendly game...

Hold it. Hold it. Kids.

Okay...

where are your clothes?

I have them.

- May I ask why?

- Well, they got me naked...

- Oh, whatever. He took his own pants off...

- And they stole my clothes.

And I got stuck up there

with Mrs. Doubtfire checking out my...

Let me see if I have this straight.

Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock

who wears his penis on his forehead...

just to gain the approval of

his sociopathic brother.

And Matt, you think Elyse

is an uptight, geeky prude...

who needs to loosen up and get laid.

Excuse the expression, dear.

Is that close to being on the money?

Look, kids...

the only way to solve your differences...

is by working together.

So why don't you start tomorrow...

by putting one foot in front of the other?

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