American Pie Presents: Band Camp Page #4

It's been three years

since I've been challenged.

We got a challenge.

I look forward to reminding people why.

East Great Falls.

I'll see you there, a**hole.

- Do you know what you just did?

- Doesn't matter. He's going down.

Matt, you challenged him to a duel.

With swords?

No, you idiot.

You each get on stage and perform.

And the crowd decides who wins.

Can't we just do keg stands?

Matt, this is serious, okay?

Beechwood gets five points if he wins...

which, you know, he will

because he plays an instrument.

Well, so do I.

Let the Tall Oaks

Battle Royale begin.

The prize is five points towards the cup.

Okay, Brandon, you're up first.

Come on!

Suck on that, b*tch.

Lame.

This is so embarrassing.

Okay, Brandon.

Now you show him, Brandon.

Take that!

Well, seems this contest is over.

Figures. We just lost five points.

And the winner by forfeit is...

But I know it's not his fault...

You don't know the words.

He should shave that.

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

Okay, five points to Great Falls.

All right, Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

Hey, hey...

- Hey.

- What?

- Are you really Scottish?

- F***, no.

My mum made me learn an instrument.

That's the most annoying one

I could think of.

I think you were just born

to squeeze sacks and blow pipes, Stifler.

Hey, Oscar.

How many other Oscars

do you know? Go!

- What's up?

- Your drum line sounds pretty tight.

Oh, thanks.

You let me know

if you want to learn some new moves.

Really?

- He's gonna screw it up.

- He's definitely gonna screw it up.

- Thanks for winning those points back.

- I lost them. I had to get them back.

Hey, guys,

Sheree's gonna show me some moves.

Hey, gang...

just a little reminder that as the battle

for the cup heats up, let's try to remember...

to keep up that Tall Oaks spirit of fair play

and friendly competition.

We'll have enough spit for a six-pack.

- Yeah, baby, you did me proud, son.

- Thanks, J. Lo.

It's cool. Big O?

Quite a little show you put on

yesterday, Stifler.

You know,

these plebes think you're some kind of hero.

I don't know what a plebe is, Vande-creep.

Didn't anybody tell you not to mess

with the big dog while he's eating?

It's mine, jerk-wad.

Now will you give it back?

- D*ldos.

- This is still my camp, a**hole.

- You're going down.

- No, I'm not.

But your mum did last night.

Did she play the trumpet?

Because she has really strong lips.

That's right.

Yummy.

That's what I'm talking about.

- What happened this time, Claire?

- Well, I was working on my solo...

and I hurt myself.

I've been f***ing poisoned.

Ipecac is a natural herbal extract...

that triggers the regurgitation reflex.

Whatever's in there

should be out soon enough.

Like him, if we're lucky.

Well, I'm pretty sure

it's probably just something...

you had for lunch, you know? I've got

the same problem. Very sensitive stomach.

I was at a banquet once.

On the same plate, if you can believe it...

they had creamed venison, squid fritters,

and jellied pork.

What?

- Hey, what's up, crust bucket?

- Come here, dude. Check this out.

So, this afternoon, while the counselors

were practicing for the talent show...

I faked an asthma attack,

and I changed both of the cameras.

It's their talent show routine, au naturel.

Dude, you filthy little cyberfucker. Sh*t.

- Hey, I thought we were just going to watch.

- Exactly, we may want to watch it again.

Hey, so, I took your advice about Chloe.

I used the Rover to deliver a soda.

- That was your cool, crazy idea?

- Yeah, I think she actually liked it.

- Yeah, that sounds gay.

- It's not gay.

Anyway, there's

this bonfire-slushee party tonight...

and I really need to know Step Two

in the Stiffmeister plan.

Slushee party. Really.

Special delivery.

Prepare to jam with the bearded clam.

Get ready to cuddle the love puddle.

The time has come for Dr. Robot to get laid.

Get laid?

I told you, trust the Stiffmeister.

Meister means "master" in German.

Get her drunk? That's the secret

of the ages? That's Step Number Two?

No, actually, it's Step Four. You don't have

the balls for Two or the tongue for Three.

I've got the balls.

Hey, you haven't heard Step Five yet.

Born to be wild

Well, I'm hot blooded

Check it and see

I've got a fever of 103

Come on baby

Do you do more than dance?

- This is some good sh*t.

- Don't enjoy it too much.

- We have a big practice tomorrow, you guys.

- Relax, Leesy.

Suckle the tender fruits

of Band Camp with your friends.

Come on, Elyse. Cut loose a little bit.

Have some fun.

I am having fun.

Hey, horn dog, let's go get

some more of these before they run out.

- All right.

- Horn dog?

Yeah, it's his nickname. Dude will stick

his dick into anything. It's unnatural.

Check it, dawg. This one time

at Band Camp, I f***ed an oboe.

- Really?

- Blow in it for a while...

get that wood nice and warm,

slap on some valve oil and go to town, yo.

Hey, maybe you should try a flute.

Now's a good time

to teach you those moves.

Really?

What?

I know what you're doing.

- You do?

- It's what you always do. You're a fake.

You do whatever it takes

to be the centre of attention.

Just like when we were kids,

around me, you were regular old Matt...

but around Steve and his friends,

you were the Stiffmeister.

Who're you going to be tonight?

Hey, cheese dick...

why don't you quit being such a f***ing

taint licker, and get me another slushee.

F***ing puss monkey.

You know what?

I am going to have some fun.

F***ing hoes, man. I don't get that sh*t.

I mean, right now, Oscar's off in the woods

tapping that counselor biatch, Sheree.

- What's up with that?

- That cock spring is getting laid?

True that. And here we are,

the two dopest homeboys in camp...

and we ain't got no prospects

for our palm pilots. That's f***ed up, dawg.

Dude, I gotta see this.

Use your hips more.

Hips, like that?

Yeah, now faster. Yeah. Like that.

A circle. Like that.

Crikey! The

alpha female has chosen an unlikely mate.

Will he survive this dangerous encounter...

or will she satisfy her primal needs

and then devour him for dinner?

Stay tuned.

I'm sorry. I'm really no good

at this stuff.

Relax. You're doing fine.

This sucks.

How's that feel? Oscar.

Is that your drumstick poking me?

I don't have my drumsticks.

Are you standing up for me again, Oscar?

It's getting hot.

Smack my ass and call me cowboy.

Hello, Double-D Sheree.

Hips. Hips.

- Use your hips.

- Oh, yeah, hips.

And step, and...

Who knew?

Wow.

Yo, we at Tall Oaks

Sipping on juice

Got horns, trumpets

Rhythm and flutes

Great Falls laying it down

Gonna ride f***ing Beechwood

out of the town

J.C., what, rocking the bunch

All tripped out on the f***ing fruit punch

- I just want to be respectful.

- Oh, that's sweet.

The only person who's gonna get laid

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