American Pie Presents: Beta House

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HARRY:
Man, will you look at all the hot tail

running around this place?

HARRY:
Man, will you look at all the hot tail

running around this place?

Look, look. Oh, God.

Dad, listen, could you just... Please,

please don't embarrass me today, okay?

-Embarrass you?

-Not today.

Son, you spent the entire summer depressed

because your girlfriend ran off

with that pretty boy, Trent.

Now, you gotta get out there

and crush some ass!

It's the only way to get your mind off her.

-Yes. Yes, that is what I'm talking about.

-Yes, huh?

"Crush some ass"? Oh, come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

-I'll show you how it's done.

-Oh, no. No, no, no.

-HARRY:
Watch this. Just watch and learn.

-Just please drive.

HARRY:
Excuse me, ladies? Hi. Hi.

-This is my son, Erik.

-Hi.

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

And he's moving in today,

and we were just wondering

if maybe either of you were interested

in showing him a good time?

No, thanks.

COOZE:
(LAUGHlNG) Oh!

HARRY:
I'm sorry.

-He's a stallion, just like his old man!

-No, Dad, come on!

(HARRY NElGHlNG)

Well, I tried, Erik.

Yeah, thanks.

Now I'm gonna have to transfer.

-Son, son?

-Yeah.

I want to show you something.

That is the list of all the chicks

I ever banged.

Are you serious?

-ls that two-sided? It is! Nice!

-lt is!

Yeah. It's a good goal foryou to try

to keep up with your old man.

Hey, Dad, why isn't Mom's name

the last name on the list there?

Uh...

We didn't tell you, but when you were three,

we had a trial separation for a week.

Trial...

Dad, there's like... Well,

there's 10 names here for that week alone.

Yeah, I went on kind of

a poon-tang bender, there.

Is that my mom's name?

Yeah, you know, on second thought,

I'll just kind of hang on to that.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Come on, guys. Let's get loaded here!

-I'm sorry.

-Cooze, grab a box.

-Did you have sex with his mom?

-Yeah.

How was it?

(EXCLAlMS DlSGUSTEDLY)

Wow! This place is amazing.

Hi.

God, there are girls everywhere.

This is my room.

It still kind of sucks

that we're not gonna be rooming together.

Dude, whatever.

You're gonna be right down the hall.

Besides, I got a single.

-Hold on to this. I'm gonna find a bathroom.

-All right.

I'll be right back.

Hi, how you doing?

Mike Coozeman. Glad to meet you.

(UNZlPPlNG PANTS)

Wow. This is gonna

take some getting used to.

(ERlK CHUCKLES)

Yeah, isn't this the guy's bathroom?

No, it's coed. All the dorms are like this.

Cool, coed, yeah.

Don't worry. I won't peek.

Yeah, I won't peek... I won't peek, either.

-ASHLEY:
I'm Ashley, what's your name?

-I'm Erik.

-ASHLEY:
Well, it's nice to meet you, Erik.

-It's nice to meet you, too.

(SHOWER RUNNlNG)

Hey, do you think you could pass me

my shampoo? It's just right there.

-Yeah. Just give me a minute here, okay?

-Thanks.

ASHLEY:
Erik?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

ASHLEY:
Erik?

Alittle help here?

(SlGHS)

(GROANS)

BOBBY:
Ride the white whale, baby!

Ride the white whale.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, my God. Oh, man. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, the doorwas...

-Hey, you must be Erik.

-I am.

-I'm Bobby.

-Hi.

-BOBBY:
Hey.

-Hey, hey.

-Come on in, man.

-ERlK:
No, no, no. It's...

-You guys are busy. I can come back later.

-Okay, listen. This is your place, too,

and don't worry about Margie.

She's not exactly shy.

(CHUCKLlNG NERVOUSLY) No, she's not.

-Sit down. You want a beer?.

-No.

-You sure?

-ERlK:
Yeah.

Are you hungry?

Margie cooked up some mean bratwurst.

(BED CREAKlNG)

-No, I just had a sandwich. Thanks.

-BOBBY:
All right.

-Where're you from?

-East Great Falls.

(GROANlNG) East Great Falls.

Slow down, sassy pants.

All right, baby?

I'm trying to have a conversation.

Yeah.

-College! Yeah! Best years of our lives!

-Yeah.

Put it up.

BOBBY:
Oh, high...

ERlK:
High-five.

(MARGlE MOANlNG)

You wanna jump in on this?

-Come on. Margie loves it.

-No, no, no. Margie, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I'm good.

Look, it was very nice to meet you,

Bobby and Margie.

Actually, I just came

to change my pants here.

I spilled a drink on it earlier,

so I'm just gonna let you guys... Yeah.

(COUGHlNG)

Are you role-playing again?

Say the safe word, baby. Say the safe...

Baby? Are you choking?

-Dude, I think she's choking!

-What?

BOBBY:
I think she's choking.

You gotta do something.

-Do something.

-BOBBY:
I can't do anything!

I'm tied up and basted

like a Thanksgiving turkey.

ERlK:
All right, all right, all right. I got it.

Hold on. From the spot.

Oh, my Jesus.

BOBBY:

What do you want me to do with all this...

ERlK:
Get out!

-Erik? No!

-BOBBY:
Sorry.

(BOBBY MOANlNG)

All right, son!

(COUGHlNG)

Yeah! That's what being a Stifler's all about.

-No, no, no. She was choking.

-HARRY:
That's it!

-I was helping her.

-That's how Stiflers do college.

Now, let's just give these kids some privacy.

(WHlSPERlNG) Doing good. Keep it up.

I'm not trying to freak you out, roomie,

but I just totally came.

Is this where

Laura Johnson and Sara Coleman live?

Yeah, I'm Laura Johnson

and this is my roommate, Sara.

My name is Dwight Stifler.

I'm here with the

Freshman Welcoming Committee,

and I've been given instructions

to escort you ladies

on a guided tour of the entire campus.

-That's so sweet.

-Yeah.

Should we wear anything special?

Dude, there is no way that everybody

in this is a student here.

Look, he's holding her boob.

He is.

No, man, they are.

I've had a subscription for, like, a year.

That'll be good.

That's not a cologne ad.

I've used that exact issue

more times than I can count.

(COOZE EXCLAlMS DlSGUSTEDLY)

(SNlFFlNG)

You smell pretty.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

-Sorry.

-That was so uncalled for.

-Wow.

-ls this Erik Stifler's room?

Yeah.

Welcome to college, boys.

Yeah. No, I wouldn't lie to you.

I'm dead serious.

Most sororities won't even give you a bid

unless you've had a threesome.

It shows that you work well

within the group dynamic,

and that you're really prepared

for sisterhood.

You know what I'm saying?

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, man. Who is this guy?

Dude, he's the reason we came

to college here.

-You like that?

-That was awesome.

You have to give a little bit back

every now and then.

-Hey, hey, shower buddy!

-Oh, hey. Hi.

Shower buddy?

Yeah, Erik and I met

when I was showering this afternoon.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Oh, right, the coed bathrooms. Yeah.

It took me about three years

to get the board of trustees

to approve that one. Worth it.

Oh, Ashley, hi. This...

Everyone, this is Ashley.

Ashley, this is everyone.

ASHLEY:
Hi, everybody.

This is my roommate, Denise.

She just came here from Georgia.

Hey, y'all.

Well, I do declare, a real life Scarlett O'Hara.

(GlGGLlNG) Oh, my.

Well, hey, you guys aren't taking off,

are you?

Yeah, we're going to this cocktail mixer

at the Epsilon Sigma Kappa House.

Oh, no, no, no. The Geek House?

No, trust me.

-I wanna stay but...

-ASHLEY:
But we promised, so...

Plus, Ashley thinks this party

is a little bit dclass.

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