American Pie Presents: Beta House Page #2

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What? Like sleazy?

Hey, baby. How you doing, sweetheart?

Grab a beer.

No, you got the wrong idea

about this whole thing.

Look, this is just a little meet and greet

that I set up to, sort of,

you know, demonstrate our school spirit

and our, you know,

dedication to this university.

Beta House f***ing rules!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(COOZE LAUGHS)

(EXCLAlMS)

Real classy.

-Erik, it was really nice to see you again.

-Yeah.

-Guys, till next time.

-Yeah, see you.

GlRLS:
Bye, guys.

COOZE:
Bye.

-It's nice to meet you.

-See you.

Hey, Stifler,

what's up with this Geek House?

Yeah, I never even heard of it.

I know a Geek house sounds harmless,

but they are a nightmare.

DWIGHT:

They were a social club for decades,

till a group of rich geeks came in

and threw some money around,

built the house, got a new charter.

COOZE:
Wait, a geek fraternity?

DWIGHT:
To get in,

you need, like, perfect SAT scores.

Transfer $2 million to my Swiss account.

DWIGHT:
Then they check your family tree

and calculate future earnings potential.

No, I said buy at 60, not sell at 60.

You're f***ing fired!

DWIGHT:
They got billionaire alumni.

DWIGHT:
They got billionaire alumni.

Hey, it's only 100 grand.

DWIGHT:
They run the student government,

and the faculty loves them.

But don't even get me started

on the women.

They attract the most beautiful women

from the entire school.

BOBBY:
Who wants to hang out

with a house full of geeks?

DWIGHT:
It's a new world out there.

These women realise

that the geeks are gonna be the millionaires

right out of school.

They've just adjusted their nesting habits.

Hey, don't sweat it.

Beta's still where the party's at, right?

Look out!

Stifler, the judging's about to begin.

(BULL EXHALES)

Judging?

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG

THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Oh, the Beta House never disappoints.

-Are you serious? It's always like this?

-All the time.

-These girls are ridiculous.

-Ridiculous. Get the clipboard.

(WHOOPlNG)

Sweetie, you are naughty.

I am keeping you after class.

Bring that ruler. I've also been bad.

And this one over here's got great abs.

They look like fresh buttered rolls

right out of the oven.

This is the best idea I've ever had!

-No, I just... I can't handle it.

-This is chicken scratch. You're a caveman.

(BULL EXCLAlMS)

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

She's pulling them out.

She's pulling them out.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

(ALL GASPlNG)

Perfect 10!

(BOTH WHOOPlNG)

-Beta! Beta!

-ALL:
Beta! Beta!

Ladies and gentlemen,

depravity is haunting this university.

Sex, alcohol, vulgarity, stupidity.

Once, this was a respected institution

of higher learning.

We are declaring a new age

at this university.

An age in which a student's worth

is no longer measured

by his blood alcohol level,

but rather, his GPA.

We formed this fraternity to change the way

geeks are thought of in this country.

But as history has proven,

for a new civilization to emerge,

another must crumble.

We must destroy the Betas.

Hey, Stacey, my hands are wet.

I can't get this beer open.

Will you do it for me?

Thanks. Those Kegel muscle exercises

are really paying off, huh?

So what do we have to do to become Betas?

Well, obviously, you guys are cool with me.

What you need to do

is impress the rush chair, Wesley.

-Have you guys met Wesley?

-ALL:
Uh-uh.

You haven't? All right.

He's in the other room.

Come on, I'll introduce you. Follow me.

(WESLEY PLAYlNG PlANO)

DWIGHT:

Don't be fooled by his appearance.

His nickname is the Blackout Menace.

He's a perfect student,

except for his habit

of getting belligerently drunk,

blacking out,

causing complete and total mayhem,

and never remembering a thing.

Uh...

Excuse me. Where is this plane going to?

Detroit.

Thank God.

All right, excuse me.

Where is it coming from?

Bangkok.

-Whose kid is that?

-Yours. You adopted him yesterday.

Congratulations.

Hey, buddy.

Are you serious?

Yep, just dropped Sung Lee off

at their embassy this last week.

Kid nearly caused an international incident.

Wesley!

Sorry to interrupt.

Wesley, this is my cousin and his buddies.

-Hi.

-WESLEY:
Hey.

-Erik, right?

-ERlK:
Yeah.

Mike Coozeman.

How come we didn't see you last year?

I was in a Mexican jail.

I had to tunnel my way out.

But I made it back in time for finals

which is what we're all about here at Beta,

education.

Right.

-You wanna dance?

-Yeah.

Let's get sexy.

(DWIGHT WHlSTLlNG)

Hey, you ready?

There's a hundred hot horny chicks

here tonight. I'm counting on you.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG

THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Get some, baby! Get some!

(PLAYlNG PlANO)

(SlNGlNG) Call me irresponsible

Call me unreliable

Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

(BANGlNG PlANO KEYBOARD)

Are you gonna start drinking?

Because I desperately need a wing man.

No, I'm not drinking tonight, Bull.

I had a rough night last week.

Oh, really? Really? That's fine.

Because then I just might have

to tell these fine, young ladies

about a certain frat boy

and a Mexican transvestite!

All right, all right, all right.

One drink.

Yeah, just one.

DWIGHT:
Hey.

What the hell's with you, man?

Can you not see all this prime ass

a foot from your face?

Yeah, man, I see. It's... It's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's cool. You should be tearing it up!

You guys, it's just...

Remember last year?

We came up here, I had the time of my life.

You know, I did stuff I neverwould

have dreamed I would've ever done,

and I kind of figured it would change me.

Yeah, okay.

So you got drunk and you ran naked, right?

But you blew it

with a really hot sorority chick

to run home and have sex

with your little girlfriend.

Yeah, Erik. That stunt might

have won you points in high school,

-but this isn't high school.

-No.

I guess you guys are right.

Listen, college is your one chance

to start over. Okay?

You get to hit the reset button on life.

You get to be anybody you wanna be.

-Never thought of it like that before.

-Yeah. Here, slug that.

-That a boy. Julie, this is my cousin, Erik.

-JULlE:
Hey.

I just wanted you to know Erik voted

for you in the hottie contest,

and since he's, like,

the ladies' man of the family,

I totally trust his taste.

-You want to dance, gorgeous?

-I'd love to.

(SOFTLY) Anybody you wanna be. Yeah.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG

ON SPEAKERS)

Wow, you can really put that away.

You kidding me?

This stuff is like waterto me.

(MUSlC STOPS)

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG DlSAPPOlNTEDLY)

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG DlSAPPOlNTEDLY)

Hey, hey, everybody,

settle down for a second!

We're just having

a little, minor technical glitch.

No big deal.

We'll get everything fixed up in a minute.

(EDGAR LAUGHlNG)

I don't think so, Stifler!

You see,

you overloaded your prehistoric circuits.

I'm afraid your music won't be coming on

forthe rest of the night.

Don't... Don't listen to him.

We'll get everything fixed in a minute.

That won't matter

because by Jake's calculations,

based on the amount

of kegs and liquor you bought,

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