American Pie Presents: Beta House Page #3

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you should be running out, just about now.

-Bullshit.

-The f***ing kegs are dry!

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG DlSAPPOlNTEDLY)

We're out of f***ing booze!

(BOBBY EXCLAlMlNG)

WESLEY:
I know!

Settle down! It's fine. We'll make a beer run.

EDGAR:
They could do that,

oryou can all come to the Geek House

where we have enough liquor to last a week,

along with all the champagne you can drink.

(EDGAR LAUGHS CONTENTEDLY)

We also have a heated pool

and enough swimsuits for everyone.

That is, if you even want to wear one.

Yeah!

(GlRLS SHRlEKlNG)

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Oh, it's your choice, people.

-Stay here and get puked on...

-Okay, I'm out of here.

Or come party, VlP style.

All right! Let's go! Let's go!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(WHOOPlNG)

F***ing Edgar.

(BULL GROWLlNG)

Prick really knows how

to throw that money around, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but it doesn't help that numbnuts here

barfed all overthe chicks, either.

DWIGHT:
Yeah.

-Sorry about that.

-You look disgusting.

(ALL EXCLAlM DlSGUSTEDLY)

-Erik, for crying out loud, man!

-I'll clean it up.

(SlGHlNG)

Not again.

Morning, sexy.

Some party, huh?

Hey, baby. How you doing?

No. No, no, no.

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

DWIGHT:
How you feeling there, cuz?

A lot better. Thanks.

No need for thanks, we're family.

Right now, I gotta run.

I gotta go down to the basement,

take care of some official Beta business.

-Have some of Peaches' eggs.

-Okay.

All right. Thanks, Peaches.

(PEACHES SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

DWIGHT:
Oh, buddy.

(LAUGHlNG)

(WHOOPlNG)

-I need this place.

-BULL:
That a boy!

-WESLEY:
Yeah.

-Off the hook! Work it!

So, guys, the hard-on champ is in?

-Yeah!

-ALL:
All right.

BULL:
Aye, aye.

DWlGHT:
Yeah, I love this guy.

Beta? I love Beta!

(LAUGHlNG)

BOBBY:
You like Beta, baby?

DWIGHT:
Best rack in the house, though.

I f***ing love Beta, baby!

(LAUGHlNG)

Shut up! Shut up! Everyone calm down.

I told you I didn't want to drink.

Look how the pig squeals!

Look how the pig squeals!

All in favour of Bobby Coolidge?

-Everyone.

-Aye, aye.

-Aye, aye.

-Aye, aye.

DWIGHT:
All right, all right.

WESLEY:
Oh, man!

BULL:
Jesus!

BULL:
Holy crap! Wow!

WESLEY:
Man, this guy really knows

how to work a room.

Give him a bid.

He'll be a p*ssy magnet, buddy.

Yeah!

BULL:
Oh, no!

DWIGHT:
Hey, hey, hey!

All right, that's my cousin. Take it easy.

No offence, brother, okay? But I don't know

if your cousin is up for the challenge, man.

I'm with Bull on this one.

I mean, he's a nice kid,

but he passed up sleeping

with Brandy, man.

All right, all right, all right.

Look, I know Erik missed his big chance

to, like, sleep with the one girl

that, I'm assuming, everybody in this room

would lop off your left nut to bang.

-Am I right?

-BULL:
Two nuts.

All right, does that mean

he's not Beta material?

-Yes!

-ALL:
Yeah!

(SlGHlNG) He was young and dumb

and in love. He's a... He's a late bloomer.

I think he's gonna surprise you

this semester.

And anyway, he's a legacy,

so he's automatically getting a bid.

So you can all f*** off.

-Aye.

-Aye, aye!

DWIGHT:

Yeah, that's what I thought, b*tches.

(BULL LAUGHlNG)

(TOlLET FLUSHlNG)

-Hey, you.

-Hi.

-We have to stop meeting like this.

-(CHUCKLlNG) Yeah.

-Are you okay?

-Yeah, I just had a really rough night.

(CHUCKLES) You know, I think Denise has

a crush on yourfriend, Cooze.

She thinks he's sweet.

-Denise thinks Cooze is sweet?

-Yeah.

-Wait, actually...

-Erik, l...

-(SlGHlNG) I was thinking...

-Look, I'm just thinking...

-Do you wanna go out with me once?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah. That would be really nice.

Okay, keep...

You have really pretty teeth, by the way.

(FlREALARM RlNGlNG)

What's going on?

This sucks.

Hey, guys. Don't go that way.

This way's quicker.

(BOBBY YAWNlNG)

-Dude, I left the best sandwich in my dorm.

-COOZE:
This sucks.

(ALL SlGHlNG)

(COOZE EXCLAlMS)

-Wait a second. Where are we?

-I don't see any sandwiches here.

Hey, guys. You wanna see something?

(ALL GASPlNG)

-COOZE:
Yes.

-That is...

(EXCLAlMlNG)

Gentlemen,

today is the first day

of the rest of your lives.

You are the select few who have

been chosen to pledge the Beta House.

Beta, baby!

Now, most fraternities do the pledging thing

a little bit differently than we do.

Most pledging consists

of hate-filled mental and physical hazing

designed to break you down.

But here at Beta,

I, Dwight Stifler, your pledge master,

have devised an elaborate scientific plan

to build teamwork and brotherhood.

Gentlemen, I give you your pledge board.

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

On this pledge board are 50 tasks

that you and your pledge brothers

must complete by semester's end

if you want to become Betas.

To start things off,

I say we begin with my personal favourite,

number 37.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG

THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Okay, so here's the low-down.

One of you has got to get your ass signed

by a stripperwith photo proof. All right?

All right, we're gonna go get a drink.

-Wesley...

-Yeah.

Don't bother us.

Okay, who's gonna try and do this?

Oh, you guys, I got this. Who's got a pen?

That'll do.

Hey, baby, how's about signing my ass

while I'm up here?

(CRASHlNG)

She got Cooze! We gotta help him!

(GRUNTS)

Down goes fatty!

(GROWLlNG)

Stripper brawl!

ERlK:
Stifler, we need some help!

Oh, cousin got clothes-lined.

That's a shame.

That's gonna leave a big bruise.

(BOBBY GASPlNG)

Those girls are wild tonight.

I used to f*** girls like you in prison.

-Oh, I love a good stripper brawl.

-Who doesn't?

(CRASHlNG)

-NlCK:
You started it!

-Way to go, Cooze.

-NlCK:
You started it!

-Way to go, Cooze.

What? I didn't do anything.

You charged that stripper with a pen

like you were going to shove it in her ass.

COOZE:
Maybe if her panties

smelled like waffles,

then you would have done something...

Shut up. Shut up!

-BOBBY:
...some syrup. That idiot?

-I bet she would have liked that.

(EXCLAlMS)

-Hey there, gorgeous. You work here?

-Yeah, sweetie.

You see,

we're pledging the Beta House right now,

and one of our tasks

is to get our ass signed by a...

A professional dancer like yourself.

So I was just, you know, wondering

if maybe you'd do me the honour?

That's a different approach

than the boys usually take in this place.

-Bend over.

-Thanks.

My name's Erik Stifler, by the way.

Let me get one for the year book.

(BOBBY GlGGLlNG)

BOBBY:
Nice smile.

-You have any relation to Dwight Stifler?

-He's my cousin.

-Hey, Stifler.

-Candy. How are you, sweetheart?

Good to see you.

I can see where he gets his charm from.

-You come see me soon, okay?

-You know I will.

DWIGHT:
All right, boys.

Hey, congratulations. Task 37.

-ln the bag! Done!

-ALL:
Yeah.

ERlK:
Good job, boys.

That's our first task completed.

I think that stripper's implant broke my face.

Everyone, let's go.

(CREAKlNG)

Sweet Caesar's ghost!

(EDGAR EXCLAlMlNG lN PAlN)

Fifteen, check.

Sixteen, check.

(SPEAKlNG FORElGN LANGUAGE)

Hmm.

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