American Pie Presents: Beta House Page #4

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(SPEAKlNG FORElGN LANGUAGE)

-Who's that guy?

-He's my Swahili instructor.

I have my proficiency exam next week.

-Nice!

-Yeah.

Hey, what's...

What's this golden hammer doing in here?

Hey, what's...

What's this golden hammer doing in here?

It's from the Greek Olympiad.

It was, like, a series of competitions

involving skill and deviant behaviour.

They got really out of hand,

so the university banned them for life.

The Betas were legendary at them, though.

We never lost.

-Cool. Yeah.

-Yeah.

Oh, and remember, Erik...

(SPEAKlNG FORElGN LANGUAGE)

Yeah.

Swahili.

ERlK:
This place is swell, isn't it?

ASHLEY:
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

ASHLEY:
Look at how juicy.

Sucking the crab? Wow.

-This place is fun.

-Yeah. Yeah, this place is awesome.

I thought you'd like it here, you know.

I like this mallet.

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

-Oh, my God. Are you okay? Here.

-ERlK:
It's all right.

It doesn't really taste that bad.

(MAN CHUCKLlNG)

Dude, I'm telling you,

this chick can't get enough of me.

I did her again last night!

Oh, I can't believe that. You're the man!

I think I know that girl.

You know,

not all frat guys are like those guys.

I know. I guess I just have a jaded opinion.

Really? Why's that?

It's just the typical story.

Boy meets girl.

Boy goes off to college, joins a frat,

starts sleeping with every girl he can.

Girl finds out

and dumps his ass during winter break.

But that was high school.

I'm much older and wiser now.

Right, older and wiser. And you're on a date

with a guy who's pledging a frat.

I know, and I'm watching you.

-Dine and ditch.

-Yeah.

That's, like, one of my favourite plays of...

ERlK:
Oh, my God!

ASHLEY:
Oh, my God! Are you okay?

ASHLEY:
Little help here!

You are just the sweetest.

You just bring it out in me, babe.

-Perfect.

-Yeah?

(DENlSE SlGHlNG)

-Careful, my feet are real sensitive.

-Really?

Oh, my.

I love foot massages.

(DENlSE MOANS)

Oh, my!

(DENlSE MOANS)

I can't!

-I'm sorry.

-No, that's cool.

It's totally fine, really.

Here, let me just take care of you.

Okay.

(UNZlPPlNG PANTS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Ooh!

-You like that?

-God, yeah.

You do that almost as good as I do.

How're you feeling?

Hey. Good, thanks.

-Here, let me see.

-Oh, no.

No, no. Ashley, it's...

You really don't need to do anything.

Oh, my God, Erik.

You have to put something on that.

No, it's just a little red.

Here, let me.

ERlK:
Are you sure?

ASHLEY:
Yeah.

It's not...

(EXCLAlMS)

-Does it hurt?

-No, it's just really cold.

-ASHLEY:
Does that feel better?

-Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Wow!

-Oh, man!

-I didn't even touch it.

No, it's no big deal.

I guess I should just

take it as a compliment, right?

-I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry.

-It's cool.

Wow, that cream feels good.

Ash, you might wanna...

(WHlSPERlNG) Just relax.

(PANTlNG) It's still hot.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(HEART BEATlNG)

(ERlK MOANlNG)

Oh, my God! Mr Biggles!

-This is really, really embarrassing.

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

I just haven't seen anything like that.

Well, I was a virgin until last year,

and then my girlfriend dumped me

about four months ago.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

Are you telling me that you haven't...

In four months?

Well, you see, there was this incident

that made masturbation

very taboo in my household.

Well, you have more self-control

than most people.

I'm really sorry about Mr Biggles.

Yeah.

-Just a little... Right.

-No, it's...

Oh, baby, I love you. Whoa, baby,

why won't you tell me you love me, too?

-Hey, Bull. Have you seen Stifler?

-He's in a meeting.

-What meeting would he be at?

-I don't know. Something important.

And it was after my parents...

Well, they had to fire

the fourth landscaping crew

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

because they caught me with them.

And that's when I knew that I had a problem.

But I have been sex-free for two years now

and, you know, never felt better.

(WHOOPlNG)

You are so brave.

Get it in there! Yeah! Faster! Faster!

-(SCREAMlNG) I'm going as fast as I can.

-Faster, bad boy!

(LAUGHlNG MANlACALLY)

Faster, I said!

(MOANlNG)

-(CRYlNG) I think I'm gonna...

-It's gonna break!

(BOTH SCREAMlNG)

Yes! Yes!

God, yes.

(GlGGLlNG)

(MOANS CONTENTEDLY)

Oh, boy.

(WHOOPlNG)

(SlGHS)

(LAUGHlNG)

You call yourself a man?

Get back here and f*** me!

(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

Okay, okay. All right, listen.

I just did three times, okay?

I'm gonna go get an icepack

and then I'll be right back.

You know the secret,

icepacks are for pussies!

Oh, your friend. He wants to come play!

I'm going to see you again!

(GlGGLlNG)

(GROWLlNG)

-I'm a grizzly bear!

-You're bad.

I'm gonna steal a picnic basket

full of orgasms.

(GROWLlNG)

Okay, lay your head back.

Lay your head back.

(WHlSPERlNG) Ready? Are you ready for it?

Let's go, all right?

Hands and feet inside the tram.

Next stop, penetration station, baby.

(WOMAN GlGGLlNG)

(FOOTSTEPS PATTERlNG)

Hey, get back here!

(PANTlNG)

Stifler, I forgot to tell you...

BULL:
Whoa.

-Get your ass over here, punk.

-Okay.

(BULL EXCLAlMS)

(BULL SCREAMS)

Oh, dude. On her teddy bear? Really?

Dude, he hasn't busted a nut

in, like, four months.

What do you think I should do?

-Man, you gotta beat the bishop.

-Yeah.

-You need to punch that clown. A lot.

-What are you talking about?

-You need to masturbate, dude. A lot.

-ALL:
Alot.

So next time you won't blow your load

when you're rounding first base.

Yeah.

Just gotta clean the pipes.

(SlGHS)

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

-Who is it?

-Hey, it's Ashley.

We were gonna hang out, remember?.

Yeah! Yeah, I remember.

I... I lost track of time, Ashley.

I'll be right there.

-Are you okay in there?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just give me one second, okay?

Erik, are you naked?

Just putting on my t-shirt right now.

There it is.

Whew!

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Can I come in?

-No. No, the place is actually a mess.

-Bobby's disgusting.

-Oh, yeah?

-But I know a cool place we can go.

-Come on.

(DOOR CLOSlNG)

All right. Right hand, yellow.

Ooh.

I love this game.

Don't you fall or you're losing those boxers.

(LAUGHlNG) Oh, really?

(GROANlNG)

-Are you okay?

-Yeah.

Ow.

-Hi.

-Hi.

(SlGHS)

I'm sorry.

-What? Are you a virgin or something or...

-No.

It's just when l... When I get too excited...

(SlGHlNG)

Oh, it's embarrassing.

Here.

-Let me just take care of you again.

-Okay.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Cheers, cheers.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Cheers, cheers.

Mmm.

(COUGHlNG)

Let me get that for you.

A little spillage. No big deal.

It's not gonna go off again, is it?

Absolutely not.

I've been practicing my self-control a lot.

Alot? Okay.

(ASHLEY CLEARlNG THROAT)

Come on.

Oh, just how much have

you been working on your self-control?

I'm really sorry. It's not working.

(GlGGLlNG)

My stupid friends, they said that if I would...

Erik, it's okay. It happens.

Wine?

(HELlCOPTER WHlRRlNG)

All right, boys. We got a live one here.

Two clicks north, three clicks east.

All right, three clicks east.

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