American Pie Presents: Beta House Page #5

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DWIGHT:
Let's blast our big giant ones.

Fire in the hole!

DWlGHT:
Direct hit!

(LAUGHlNG)

-DWlGHT:
Yes!

-Oh, my God.

(SlGHS)

I love the smell of boobies in the morning.

Hey, so how's it going with Denise?

Well, okay, so we hooked up

and she gave me a couple of hand jobs.

(LAUGHlNG)

Hand jobs?

They're actually the best hand jobs

I've ever had in my life.

-Oh, really?

-Shut up!

The only problem is

I try to stick my hand down her pants,

she keeps... Pulls my hands away.

She says she's embarrassed.

Uh-oh.

-Maybe she has an abnormally large bush.

-Yeah, or maybe she's got a yeast infection.

(EXCLAlMS DlSGUSTEDLY)

-Come on.

-Maybe she's got a dick.

Huh?

What? Crying Game? Boys Don't Cry?

-That's based on true stories, boys.

-No.

-Yeah.

-No, there's no way.

Hey, man, maybe she's a hermaphrodite.

Transvestite? Alittle Shanghai Surprise!

Well, come on. You said yourself,

she gives you the best hand jobs

you've ever had in your whole life. Right?

Yeah, so?

So, how do you think she got so good at it?

Probably from working her own gear.

So you guys think that I might have been

hooking up with a dude this whole time?

Maybe. There's only one way to find out.

You gotta get into those pants.

Oh, wait. This is too perfect.

Load it up. Load it up, right now.

-What the...

-DWIGHT:
Sorry!

(EXCLAlMS)

DWIGHT:
Yeah!

ALL:
Yeah!

(SlGHlNG)

I want you to go down on me, Cooze.

Are you sure? Because I can wait.

No, I want you down there now.

That's it, Cooze.

That's it, Cooze.

Suck my cock!

She's got a dick!

Are you okay?

Oh, my God. I just had the worse nightmare.

What was it about? Who's got a dick?

I do.

(SCREAMlNG)

Oh, my God.

I can't take this anymore.

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Hello?

ASHLEY:
I thought you were gonna call me.

Oh, hey.

Yeah. I fell asleep.

I'm sorry.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

Were you dreaming about me?

Maybe.

Hey, can you hold on for one sec?

Because this

isn't a dream.

Oh, God. That's not mine. That's Bobby's.

That's not mine.

(DOOR OPENlNG)

(WHOOPlNG)

Guys. What the hell are you doing?

BOBBY:
Number 33, baby.

We got a chance to do number 33,

but we gotta go now.

-Half-naked girl here.

-Sorry, Ashley.

Dude, the manager just called.

He's got an opening.

-We haven't even rehearsed for that bit yet.

-It's our only chance, man.

Really?

Ashley, it is Number 33.

Maybe, we could just finish later

or something?

It's cool.

I'm coming with you.

-We rocked that place.

-Yeah!

COOZE:
Awesome!

(WHOOPlNG)

Number 46, sex in the stacks. Chalk it up.

Number 26, receive a golden shower.

Number 27, perform a Cleveland steamer.

-Check.

-COOZE:
Oh, man.

Get a panda in the grotto.

-Thirty, get a blumpkin.

-COOZE:
Oh, you didn't.

After corned beef. It was disgusting.

-All right. Yeah. That was pretty good.

-BOBBY:
Yeah!

By the power granted to me

by the great country of Canada,

I now pronounce you life partners.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Would you like to seal it with a kiss?

-No.

-Yes.

Number 41. Make it official.

Because I'm a gentleman.

Wow. You boys are such an inspiration.

I think it's time we do

a little mid-semester celebrating.

-What do you think?

-Yes. Definitely.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG

THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Stifler, I'm afraid I gotta see everyone's lDs.

Come on, Manny. You're joking, right?

I'm afraid not.

You see, the new ownership

of this establishment

doesn't condone underage drinking.

Officers, please escort these minors

from the premises.

BOBBY:
Can I touch your gun?

ERlK:
All right, okay. We're going.

-EDGAR:
Bye-bye.

-You're f***ing with traditions, Edgar.

I'm not just f***ing with your traditions,

I'm tearing them down.

Take him away.

You know, you are way too classy,

and have way too nice of a body to be

hanging out with a douche bag like that.

Don't listen to him, honey.

Your body isn't that great.

I'll have a gimlet, please. Thank you.

Stifler.

-DWIGHT:
What?

-Your lawyer's here.

Excellent. Thanks, Marty. Send him in.

Excellent. Thanks, Marty. Send him in.

You have a lawyer?.

Thanks for coming. I'm glad you got here.

Well, you know me.

I'm always down forthe cause.

-Betas for life, baby.

-Betas for life.

Mr Levenstein?

Hey, Erik. How's your mom and dad?

They're good. They're really good, actually.

-Well, that's good.

-DWIGHT:
Hey, guys, this is Noah.

He's a Beta alum.

He's our House-counselling consigliere.

This guy has gotten us out of more sh*t

than you can even imagine.

Well you Beta boys do keep me busy,

that's for sure.

Now, I've just talked to the district attorney.

He's an old school chum of mine.

He's willing to drop all the charges

if you promise never to set foot

in the Silver Dollar again.

This is ridiculous.

Where am I gonna have Sunday brunch?

Oh, look, I know you're upset.

They do have a great omelet bar,

that's for sure.

-But you're just gonna have to give it up.

-No, we can't.

These geeks... These geeks are messing

with the Beta way of life.

MARTY:
You want to step inside, Noah?

-Oh, it's open?

-MARTY:
Yeah.

Oh, thanks Marty.

If you wanna grab a sandwich,

I'll just be a minute.

Look, fellas,

there is a bigger picture here

than the Beta way of life.

Is that what you thought

when you were in the Beta House?

No.

-No. It wasn't.

-So...

So I think something has to be done here.

Within the confines of the law, of course.

Of course. Of course.

So what would you do?

What would I do?

I would crush those geeks

with every Beta muscle in my body.

But that's just me.

See you boys at homecoming.

Say hi to your folks, Erik.

ERlK:
I will. Thank you.

ERlK:
(WHlSPERlNG) Come on.

Freeze, human.

(GROWLlNG)

(EDGAR EXCLAlMS)

(SPEAKlNG MOCK-ALlEN LANGUAGE)

Uphold the galactic alliance with my cock.

(GROWLlNG)

(GlRL SCREAMlNG)

What the hell is going on in there?

Sounds like a dog with its dick

stuck in a vacuum.

-All right, this way.

-I'm a husky ninja.

ERlK:
Okay.

Guys, I really gotta take a dump.

Oh, come on. Not now.

That fast food I ate put me over.

Oh! I can't wait.

Well, hurry up, then.

God, that guy's disgusting.

Okay. All right.

(AlR HlSSlNG)

(WHlSPERlNG) Okay.

All right.

(ALARM BLARlNG)

COOZE:
Come on.

Ooh!

-Bobby, what are you doing, man?

-Upper-decker, baby!

(WHlSPERlNG) Upper-decker, baby.

Oh, my God.

(FLUSHlNG)

COOZE:
Betas, we are leaving. Go, go, go!

What's happening?

DWlGHT:
Well, pledges,

you completed every task

on the task board in record time.

I, along with every other Beta in this room,

are proud to call you our brothers.

Congratulations, you're all Betas!

COOZE:
Oh, yeah.

(CHEERlNG)

DWIGHT:
Hey, cuz.

(WHOOPlNG)

-BOBBY:
Yeah.

-DWIGHT:
Here you go, cuz.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

So it sounds like you got yourself

a pretty good girl there, buddy.

Oh, yeah. You know what?

Now that pledge is finally over,

we can spend a lot more time together, too.

What? Are you kidding me?

Edgar, get you and the Mensa rejects

out of my house, now.

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