American Pie Presents: Beta House Page #6

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(EDGAR WHlMPERS)

You have crossed me

for the last time, Stifler!

We're gonna settle this once and for all!

Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

Oh! What the f***?

(SCREAMlNG)

We, the members of the Geek House,

challenge you, the Beta House,

to the Greek Olympiad.

DWIGHT:
The Greek Olympiad?

As much as I'd love to kick

your Geek ass up and down the field, Ed,

I hate to tell you, the Greek Olympiad's

been banned for like 40 years. So...

(EDGAR LAUGHS MOCKlNGLY)

What's the matter?.

Afraid to get into a little trouble, Stifler?.

Afraid?

-Let's do this.

-Oh, but there is one catch.

We are playing for charters.

If we win, you give up your charter

and you move out of the Beta House.

And if you win,

we move out and you take our house.

This place against your mansion?

Consider it another tradition

I plan to tear down.

You're on.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Are you out of your mind?

The Greek Olympiad

has been banned for life.

You'll all get thrown off campus.

-That's a chance we're gonna have to take.

-Oh, but the Greek Olympiad is crazy.

I mean, yes, it's a combination of skill,

endurance, athleticism granted,

but there is a degree of perversion

in these games

which I don't think

would serve you kids well.

Do you happen to remember the name

of the last captain

to ever win the Greek Olympiad?

Well, I haven't the foggiest

because it was so long ago.

His name was Noah Levenstein.

Uh-huh.

Well, I knew that would

catch up to me one day.

But, you know, fellas,

I didn't know what was going on back then.

I was just a dumb kid.

Mr Levenstein, we need you.

Tradition states

that the last team captain to win

comes back to officiate.

I know it's tradition.

I... I suppose I could do it.

I'd have to call in

and take a few personal days.

Excellent. You will not regret this.

I promise you.

-Stifler! This just came for you, man.

-DWIGHT:
What is it?

This is interesting.

(ECHOlNG) Hello!

I'm here. What's this big bombshell?

Are you sure you weren't followed?

You? What the hell are you doing here?

-Well, well, Stifler.

-Rock.

Looks like we meet again.

-All right, this is a set-up. I'm out of here.

-Just relax, ass clown.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

What we had was a rivalry,

but what Edgar did

got us kicked off campus.

Wait, how do you even know the guy?

(ROCK SlGHlNG)

He tried to pledge

our house three years ago.

He was the first regular sized guy

to rush the little person frat.

ROCK:
They used to have this tradition

where we put a sheep in the basement...

Be gentle.

ROCK:

They'd tell us we had to bang the sheep

and that we couldn't come out

until the rubber was used.

Now, one of two things happened.

(BOY SCREAMlNG)

Either they would come out crying,

(CRYlNG)

orthey would beat off in the rubber

and say they did the sheep.

And then there was Edgar.

Good luck.

(GROANlNG)

(SHEEP BLEATlNG)

We gotta check it out.

(EDGAR PANTlNG)

(SCREAMS)

For the love of God, man!

That sick bastard f***ed the sheep.

That's a great story

but I'm a little unclear on how it helps me?

(ROCK SlGHlNG)

I'm sure you'll figure something out, Shitler.

(CHEERlNG)

(WHlSTLlNG)

Welcome to the Greek Olympiad!

Competing today in this ancient tradition

are the Beta House...

-Beta! Beta!

-ALL:
Beta! Beta!

And the Geek House.

Now, when we think of the term

Greek Olympiad,

we hearken back to ancient traditions.

We conjure up images of mighty warriors

in their little skirts, getting all oiled up,

writhing around with each other.

Some called it wrestling,

others called it something else.

But enough history. On with the games.

The first event is called

The Release of Venus.

The man who undoes all the brassieres

on his side the quickest, wins.

You know, Ed,

it's really a shame all that practice on your

sister's training bra is not gonna pay off.

Please, Dwight. I spent a season

in Milan dating lingerie models.

It was before I met you.

(FANFARE PLAYlNG)

Gentlemen, are we ready?

Decline and fall, Dwight. Decline and fall.

Start unsnapping.

You know, I still hold

the record in this event.

Hands of a surgeon.

-ERlK:
Oh, what's up with Edgar?

-Chick's got double Ds.

Squad clasps are really difficult to deal with.

(EXCLAlMS ANGRlLY)

Done.

Done!

(SCREAMS ANGRlLY)

I knew it!

Betas win.

DWIGHT:
Yeah!

COOZE:
Yeah!

Hey, nice try, Edgar.

Oh, sorry, sweetheart.

I guess I was just in the zone.

You know, with a little more to work with,

I might have won.

The next event is The Battle of Ares.

Two men fighting to the death,

or until one knocks the other into the water.

MAN:
Yeah! Ride that!

You guys are so done, Edgar.

Bull is an animal with this thing.

Why don't you just save some face,

give me the deed to your place now.

Not quite yet.

You haven't met our new initiate, have you?

You haven't met our new initiate, have you?

His name is Dave Maul,

and he is the number-one rated

light saberfighter

on the science fiction convention tour.

Oh, he's a virgin.

LEVENSTElN:
Are you ready, boys?

Joust!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Oh, sh*t!

MAN:
Take him! Take him!

Finish him.

Go! Come on!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(CHEERlNG)

-Geeks win!

-I need a beer.

The next event is called Demeter's Feast.

Now, in ancient Rome,

the pig was considered sacred.

And often sacrificed

to the goddess of agriculture.

Today, we've taken a pig, greased it up,

and the first one who catches it, wins.

(GRUNTlNG)

(SPEAKlNG FRENCH)

Hey, you sure you're up for this pigging?

Stifler, I grew up on a farm with 652 pigs,

(WHlSPERlNG)

I can tell what the pig is thinking.

(SQUEALlNG)

(ALL EXCLAlM)

Silly, little, fat man.

Hey, Edgar, what's the deal with

Captain Sulu? He afraid to compete?

You haven't heard of parkour, have you?

(SPEAKlNG FRENCH)

What the...

(BOBBY EXCLAlMS ANGRlLY)

DWIGHT:
Go! Go! Go! Go!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Damn.

(WHlSPERlNG) Come here, pork chop.

Geeks!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(PlG SQUEALlNG)

LEVENSTElN:
Geeks win!

(HELlCOPTER WHlRRlNG)

Shut up.

Greek Roulette is a very dangerous game.

Not for the faint of heart.

One of these chambers contains a capsule

with aged horse semen.

(EXCLAlMlNG DlSGUSTEDLY)

Gentlemen, let us begin.

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG DlSGUSTEDLY)

MAN 1:
Disgusting.

MAN 2:
Oh, come on.

MAN:
Come on, come on!

WOMAN:
Come on, Dwight!

MAN:
You're busted. Come on.

-It's gonna be...

-MAN:
We're not in it. Come on!

You know, I gotta hand it to you, Edgar.

I really didn't think

you'd have the huevos for this.

I thought you'd probably

recruit one of your lackeys.

I wouldn't miss watching you shoot

yourself full of horse semen for anything.

MAN:
Come on, man.

Come on, Stifler!

(GUN CLlCKS)

MAN 1:
Yeah!

MAN 2:
Yes!

-We can do this! Yes, yes!

-MAN:
Come on!

MAN:
That's how we do.

MAN:
Oh, boy!

-Come on! Come on!

-MAN:
Edgar!

Come on, baby. Eat it!

(EDGAR)

(GUN CLlCKS)

Yeah!

-Put two canisters in there!

-Two? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Two?

That's too many, Dwight.

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