American Pie Presents: Beta House Page #7

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Come on, two? He's not worth it.

Unless Edgar's afraid, put in two canisters.

Fine! Put in two!

Put in two.

Go!

MAN:
Go!

-MAN:
Be a man, huh?

-Ready. Go!

MAN 1 :
Warm it up.

MAN 2:
Hey! Hey! Hey!

All right, all right! All right!

-All right!

-Everyone quiet!

MAN:
We're good? Back to the match.

MAN:
You're good baby.

There's nothing in there.

MAN:
Oh, no. I can't watch this.

(DWlGHT SCREAMlNG)

(GUN CLlCKS)

Yeah! Yeah!

-Yeah! Yes!

-ALL:
Yeah!

-Yes! Yes!

-MAN:
All right! Yes! Yes!

You're up.

Come on!

(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)

-Do it.

-Let's go.

MAN:
Do it!

DWIGHT:
Do it! Do it!

-Do it!

-MAN:
Do it, now! Pull the f***ing trigger.

-Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

-MAN:
Pull the trigger.

Oh.

Yes! We won! Sucker!

Betas win.

-Enjoy Mister Ed's jizz.

-How does that semen taste, there?

Tough loss, there, Edgar,

but you know what they say, son.

You've got to get right back

up on that horse.

So to speak.

(EDGAR CRYlNG)

(FANFARE PLAYlNG)

The ancient game of the Wife Carry

has been around for centuries.

The first couple

to complete the course wins.

-You owe me big time for this.

-I know.

-Okay.

-MAN:
All right. Ready?

(SCOFFS) How pathetic. Now!

What? What...

Really? You trying to give Bandhu a hernia?

Oh, once again your pathetic little brain

has let you down, Dwight.

Bandhu, up.

All right, Erik. We got this. Let's go.

We're f***ed.

(STARTlNG PlSTOL FlRES)

Come on, Erik! Go, go, go!

We can beat those Betas.

How'd you feel about that...

Come on! Come on!

Maybe I should have carried you.

Man, that is one scary chick.

That's a chick?

MAN:
Okay.

And now, the Peloponnesian War.

The first team to consume

an entire keg wins.

The first team to consume

an entire keg wins.

Throwing up does not disqualify.

Gentlemen, inside this cylindrical

casing of aluminium,

Iies 55 metric litres of malted alcohol.

Remember, fellas,

don't underestimate these Geeks.

Most of them are lonely problem drinkers,

all right?

Beware, gentlemen,

these men know how to drink,

but we are more than men.

We are more than men!

We, sirs, are Geeks!

-EDGAR:
Yes!

-All right, boys. Battle!

-Gentlemen, chug-a-lug!

-I can out-drink you fucks!

EDGAR:
Drink!

Edgar!

I only have one thing to say to you.

What's that, you philistine?

Puking doesn't disqualify!

-Geeks, attack!

-DWlGHT:
Boot and rally, boys!

Come on, Edgar.

Let's see what you got, b*tch.

That's all you got, huh? That's all you got?

Go back to the keg!

We got a man down!

Gentlemen, we need to attain

maximum efficiency.

Attach the device!

-What the hell is that?

-What is that thing?

Open valves.

(WHOOSHlNG)

That's the Geeks taking the lead.

It's time for our secret weapon. Wesley!

-MAN:
Let's go!

-Wesley, keg stand!

Open the valves all the way.

We need warp speed on this, motherf***er!

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

-Yeah!

-Yeah! Yeah!

Betas win!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

With the Greek Olympiad tied,

we now go into sudden death.

The final event is called

The Rise of Aphrodite.

Quite simply, the first man

who excretes his manly juices,

in the ejaculatory sense,

Ioses.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

I cannot wait to see you come in your pants.

Let's do this.

Pi is equal to 3. 1 41 5...

-No big deal at all.

-5978...

I feel like Santa Claus

at the local shopping mall.

(PANTlNG)

-That was nothing. I'm okay.

-That was nothing for me, either.

No big deal.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

MAN:
Shake that thing.

-I like your b*obs.

-BOBBY:
Look at this.

Pretend you're sucking my man breast!

Give it up, Stifler.

This is a game of mind over matter.

And my brain is way biggerthan yours.

I've got experience on my side.

I'll take that over

yourVulcan mind tricks any day.

We shall see. Bring her in!

We flew this young lady in from Las Vegas.

She's the number one stripper

in the Emerald City.

Enjoy, Dwight.

Oh, no!

Good luck.

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

I'm in trouble here, boys.

This chick is ridiculous. Bring her in!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

(BLEATlNG)

(BLEATlNG)

What the f***?

(MOANlNG)

Look at my tail, Edgar.

Look how fluffy it is.

Somebody make her stop.

Edgar, you got a little wool fetish, buddy?

No! Make her stop!

(MARGlE BLEATlNG)

(CRYlNG)

He's done.

Betas win.

ALL:
Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta! Beta!

To the winners,

I now present the Golden Hammer!

To Beta House!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Beta, baby!

Congratulations, Stifler.

You've kept the Beta traditions alive.

-Thanks, Noah. Betas for life.

-Betas for life.

Now this is a frat party.

No. This is a Beta party.

(RAPPlNG)

-Hey, I got a little surprise for you.

-Yeah?

A little present for you being

so patient and understanding.

Okay.

-Are you ready for your present?

-(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I'm not sure.

I'm really confused right now,

and I'm trying to keep an open mind but...

Oh, man this is f***ed up even for me.

DENlSE:
Here it comes.

Oh, my God. If it's biggerthan mine,

I swear, I'm gonna pass out.

(GlGGLlNG) I'm not wearing any panties.

Easy, Cooze. Everybody can see you.

Well, I'm sure we can find some place

around here with a little privacy.

-Okay.

-Let's go.

Come on.

-Where are you taking me?

-It's a surprise. You're gonna like it.

I'm nervous.

What are you talking about?

Everything's gonna be fine.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Why don't I take care of you.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, my.

(PANTlNG)

I can't! I can't!

Look, just let yourself go, baby.

There's nothing you can do

that's gonna surprise me. Okay?

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Okay!

(BOTH GlGGLlNG)

Why are you bringing me in here?

Well, this being our new house,

I thought I'd come up with my own task

forthe pledge board.

Okay. What's that gonna be?

(ERlK CLEARlNG THROAT)

Well, I think it's kind of better if l...

If I show you.

ASHLEY:
Hmm.

Sex in a movie theatre.

I like the way you think, Erik Stifler.

(MOANlNG)

(MOANlNG LOUDER)

I'm coming! I'm coming!

I'm coming!

(SPLASHlNG)

Oh, my...

Okay. I was a little surprised by that.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

-lt was actually really sexy.

-Really?

Yeah. Can you do that every time?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah?

Oh, my God.

-Hey, buddy, take a little dip in the pool?

-Nope.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yes. The elusive female ejaculation.

Not a lot of girls can do that. Congrats.

(SlNGlNG)

(BULL LAUGHlNG)

Beta House f***ing rules!

(CHEERlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

Yes!

(TOlLET FLUSHlNG)

Hey, big boy,

ready to fill me up with some more protein?

No, no, no. No!

Yes, the Blackout Menace strikes again.

(POP MUSlC PLAYlNG

THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Wear this foryour next dance, honey.

Thanks.

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