AmericanEast Page #3

I promise you,

we'll have the best Egyptian food in town.

- We're gonna make a difference.

- I agree. I agree.

I brought you cookies from Egypt.

I'm sure they're delicious.

Try one. You'll love it.

I can't. I watch my diet.

But I'm sure the family will love them.

- Atmosphere is important, right?

- Sure, sure.

We can't have certain elements around.

I understand.

Not in the new place if we want it to work,

because it's not a sociaI club.

- I mean, you understand.

- I understand. Sure, Sam, sure.

- No elements, no problem.

- Good, good.

The Mohammeds.

All these guys named Mohammed.

They need room to pray.

- You know what your problem is, Fikry?

- No, what is my problem? Tell me.

You're what we call a self-hating Arab.

That's ridiculous.

You say that because I'm a Christian,

like I'm not even Arab.

I didn't say

you're not an Arab, Fikry.

Let me tell you,

when I walk down the street

the rednecks yell "towelhead" at me also.

Yes, yes, yes,

I'll tell you what my problem is.

My problem is that my country

has been invaded by people

of my own religion.

And now the Jews and the Muslims

have stolen even my victimhood from me.

That's my problem.

- Hi, Sam.

- Hi, Kate.

So my cousin's, like,

in the Marines in Afghanistan, okay?

And he brought back this hash.

I mean, this sh*t's cold-blooded.

Been meaning to ask you something.

How come every time I turn on the news

there's some Muslim dude

who's pissed off and killing everybody?

Why do you hate America so much?

Maybe if you'd educate yourself,

you would know the whole story.

So tell me the whole story.

It's long. I don't remember it all.

It's, like, 1,400 years old.

So tell me what you know.

I want to hear it.

All right. Pass the rocket.

Once upon a time before the oiI, the sheiks

and all of the Saddams and Osamas,

in the middle of the Arabian Desert

was this cooI dude named Mohammed

His homies called him "the honest "

He used to kick back and meditate

And one day an angeI appeared to him

with a new revelation called Islam

It means "Submission to God "

The God of Abraham, Moses and Jesus

Back then, the locaI yokels believed

in a bunch of different gods

But when the angeI gave Mohammed

the message that there's only one God,

they dumped the whole

idoI-worship thing

See, according to Mohammed's prophecy,

God would free everybody from slavery

Dudes, babes, rich, poor,

black, white, whatever

Everybody was equaI

They were all over that in a heartbeat

So freedom and Islam began

to spread throughout Arabia

And it kept on spreading

to India and all the way to China,

then across North Africa to Spain

This was the start of Islamic civilization

Back then Muslims were, like, top dog

when it came to art,

science, literature and poetry

So pretty soon the buzz hit the West,

only back then Europe was, like,

a bunch of barbarians

busy barbecuing plague victims

But you know what? They didn't dig these

dark dudes with sand all over their feet

And that's, like, where I think

the word "sand n*gger" comes from

So they said no way to Islam

This brought on the period

known as the Crusades,

which was, like, a downer for everybody,

especially Muslims living in Jerusalem

who got royally reamed out

by Christian armies fighting

to take back the Holy Land for the Pope

But finally, this other reaI cooI Kurdish

Muslim dude named Saladin shows up

and unites the Arabs

to fight the Europeans

and take Jerusalem back

See, difference is, under Saladin

there's, like, this time of peace

with Jews, Christians and Muslims

all kicking it together,

which is dope, because Jerusalem's,

like, a holy place for all three religions

But guess what? That didn't last

The Europeans came back even stronger

with, like, a divide-and-conquer thing

They gave the land the Palestinians

were living on to the Jews,

and that became the new IsraeI

And once the Euro-honkies split,

there was, like, constant fighting

between the Israelis

and Arabs over Jerusalem

'Cause both the Israeli and Arab radicals

wanted to have it all

If they'd just chill,

they'd see Jerusalem is a spirituaI place,

the land of milk and honey

But, no, because now

some Americans come in

to check out what all the fuss is about,

and they discover oiI

And to keep the pumps happening,

they prop up these greedy dictators

who sell only to them,

and they don't help the Arabs,

only IsraeI, which pisses the Arabs off

So then you get the Israelis

and Palestinians

fighting over Jerusalem

and blowing each other up,

while the world just watches

and plays it all like some kind of game

And that's why the Middle East

is a fricking mess

'Cause there ain't no more cooI dudes.

Whoa.

- Omar, how's it going?

- Great. Looking forward to this.

- Good.

- You wanted to see me?

Yeah, there's some script changes

I wanted to talk to you about.

Look, I'm sorry to say this,

but the doctor role has been cut.

- Cut?

- Yeah. Let's talk over here.

Um...

Okay, look,

they rewrote the entire episode last night.

It's practically a new show.

- I don't believe it.

- Omar, I love your work.

I want you to stay, but I'd have to ask you

to change roles at the last minute.

I'll do it.

Really?

You're the best.

All right, well, here are the new pages.

And take a look at the role of Ali.

- Ali?

- Yeah, we'll run through it shortly, okay?

Can you get Omar

someone to help him suit up?

Hold the noise, please, people.

Action, Omar!

Everyone on your knees.

You're being taken hostage.

Um. Okay, cut, let's cut. Can we cut?

Cut!

You okay? What's up?

I don't understand. Why would

a terrorist take over a hospitaI?

Terrorists want to strike fear

in the heart of America.

That's what the episode's about.

So they're at a hospitaI.

There's a lot of people,

very little security, okay?

But you know this hospitaI

is in a quiet little community.

It's a show, Omar.

We give our heroes of American Safety

heroic things every week, all right?

So, just give me more accent,

and, you know, scary, all right?

Okay, everybody. Back to one.

We're back to one.

Everyone on your knees!

You're being taken hostage!

We are the soldiers of Allah!

Great. Cut! All right.

Meet your second cousin.

This is Sabir.

What's up?

Everybody. Let's eat.

Yeah, come, let's eat.

So your friend Murad...

He tells me you're thinking

of opening a new place.

Maybe with this man Sam.

- I think he's a...

- A Jewish man.

I just see him as a good businessman.

It's true. They're good with money.

But he can use this against you.

Just turn on the TV,

see what they're doing.

Sabir, not too long ago in Egypt,

Jews and Muslims had business together.

But how much interest did they charge us?

Mohammed, put that away, please.

It's broken anyway.

You broke it?

Do you know how much this cost?

So, Sabir,

you own your pharmacy in Egypt.

Salwah here is a nurse.

A nurse?

So why do you do this salon work?

It's extra money.

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