An American Werewolf in London Page #3

CHESS PLAYER:

Here, Gladys, Tom. Did you hear the

one about the crashing plane?

WOMAN:

No, but we're about to.

Laughter.

CHESS PLAYER:

You be quiet, woman, and let me speak.

WOMAN:

(heavy sarcasm)

Quiet, everyone! Hush! Shhh!

Uproarious laughter.

CHESS PLAYER:

All right, laugh then. I shan't tell

it.

WOMAN:

Oh, come on, tell us.

CHESS PLAYER:

No. You've had your chance.

The men all coax him to tell the joke.

JACK:

(to David)

Ask them what the candles are for.

DAVID:

(to Jack)

You ask them.

JACK:

(to David)

Listen, that's a pentangle, a five-

pointed star. It's used in witchcraft.

Lon Chaney, Jr. and Universal Studios

maintain it's the mark of the wolf

man.

DAVID:

(to Jack)

I see. You want me to ask these people

if they're burning candles to ward

off monsters.

JACK:

(to David)

Right.

DAVID:

(to Jack)

Wrong.

The drinkers have gotten the Chess Player to tell the joke

as everyone knew he would.

CHESS PLAYER:

Oh, all right. There was this airplane

over the Atlantic on its way to New

York. It was full of men from the

United Nations.

WOMAN:

That's very funny, that is.

Uproarious laughter.

JACK:

(to David)

Go on, ask them.

DAVID:

(to Jack)

You ask them.

CHESS PLAYER:

Here now, let me finish! So halfway

over the ocean the engines run low

on petrol so they have to lighten

the plane. So they heave out all the

baggage, but it's still too heavy.

So they chuck out the seats, but

it's still too heavy! Finally this

Froggy steps up and shouts "Viva la

France" and leaps out. Then an

Englishman...

DART PLAYERS:

Hear! Hear!

CHESS PLAYER:

(undaunted)

...steps up and shouts 'God save the

Queen!' and leaps out. But the plane

is still too heavy. So the Yank

delegate from Texas steps up, shouts,

'Remember the Alamo!' and chucks out

the Mexican.

This is apparently the funniest joke the inhabitants of East

Proctor have ever heard. The laughter is uproarious, choking,

knee-slapping, incredible. As the Chess Player goes to take

a drink of beer, the Dart Player gasps out...

DART PLAYER:

Remember the Alamo!

...causing the Chess Player to spit out his beer causing

even harder laughter. Complete hilarity.

JACK:

Excuse me, but what's that star on

the wall for?

Dead silence. A dart lands in the wall. David and Jack are

understandably bewildered. The villagers look hard indeed.

DART PLAYER:

(angry)

You've made me miss.

JACK:

I'm sorry.

DART PLAYER:

I've never missed the board before.

DAVID:

Jack, we'd better go.

JACK:

What do you mean? I'm starving.

DART PLAYER:

There's no food here.

The villagers look threatening and David's voice is a bit

urgent.

DAVID:

Come on, Jack, shall we go?!!

JACK:

Apparently so.

The boys pick up their backpacks and move uncertainly for

the door.

WOMAN:

(to men)

You can't let them go.

DAVID:

(worried)

How much do we owe you?

CHESS PLAYER:

Nothing, lads. Go, God be with you.

DAVID:

Uh, thank you.

WOMAN:

Wait! You just can't let them go!

DART PLAYER:

Go! And stay on the road. Keep clear

of the moors.

DAVID:

Yes, well, thanks again.

CHESS PLAYER:

Beware the moon, lads!

David pushes Jack out.

EXT. THE SLAUGHTERED LAMB - NIGHT

It is very cold.

JACK:

What the hell was that all about?

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