Androcles and the Lion Page #4

Certainly, sir.

I'll do whatever you think best.

I'm most happy to have made

your acquaintance, I'm sure.

You may depend on me.

Good morning, sir.

And the blessings of heaven

be upon you and him.

[Crowd Laughing]

- Mmm.

- So that is how you convert people, Ferrovius.

Yes, child.

There's been a great blessing

on my work...

in spite of my unworthiness

and backslidings... -

all through my wicked and devilish temper.

[Crowd Laughing]

Caesar, I hate to disturb you in your bath...

but there are several things

which must be attended to at once.

You leave everything to the last minute.

Be calm, Editor. You wear yourself out

with needless aggravation.

Take the baths with me.

You'll feel better.

As manager of the Colosseum

and producer of the games...

I haven't the time, and you know it.

You want the spectacle

to be a success, don't you?

Oh, I leave that to you,

but I warn you it had better be.

I'm counting on it.

Then you had better listen

to the program.

We open as usual with the sham battle... -

wooden swords and shields

until the spectators are seated.

Then you arrive,

and the grand procession follows.

Then combats.

And after that, the Christians.

Personally, I could do without the Christians.

We're trying to do without them.

That is why we serve them to the lions.

- They vulgarize the whole affair.

- [Snaps Fingers]

There's no art in watching

a hungry lion being fed.

I, for one, regret the day

they were introduced into the games.

Oh, you're too civilized, Editor.

You've lost the common touch.

It is to see the Christians

that the people flock to the arena.

At the rate we're getting rid of them...

- soon there will be no Christians to feed the lions.

- [Scoffs]

Caesar will no down in history

as the emperor who eliminated these cranks.

- Hail Caesar.

- On the contrary.

I'm more likely to be remembered as the man

who did most to perpetuate them.

You, Caesar?

I dare say I am doing more

to spread Christianity...

than all their preachers, missionaries

and gospel writers put together.

I shouldn't be surprised if finally I wound up

as one of their heroes.

- Caesar jests of course.

- Caesar does not jest.

I wager that for every Christian

that dies in the bloody sand...

two new ones leave the Colosseum.

Perhaps then Caesar should change his tactics.

Impossible. I am a subject of history...

and I must submit to its inevitable course.

It is my destiny

to fan the fires of Christianity...

by offering them martyrdom in the arena.

Column, halt!

[Soldier]

Halt!

Now then, you Christians...

none of your larks, no singing.

Look respectable.

Look serious, if you're capable of it.

See that big building over there?

That's the Colosseum, that is.

That's where you're to be thrown to the lions

or set to fight the gladiators presently.

Think of that, and it'll help you

to behave properly.

The Colosseum.

Think of it.

I never thought I'd live to see it.

This trip has been very educational,

hasn't it?

You're a born tourist, Androcles.

I always wanted to travel.

Too bad we won't have any time

to ourselves.

There's so many places in Rome

I'd like to visit.

It's a beautiful city, isn't it?

It's nothing compared to where we are going.

The streets will be paved with gold

and precious jewels...

and the buildings all white marble... -

a dazzling sight to the naked eye.

You're a bit of a tourist too, Ferrovius.

[Centurion]

All right, forward!

You there. You soldiers

clear out of the way for the emperor.

The emperor? Where's the emperor?

- You're not the emperor, are you?

- It's the menagerie service.

My team of oxen is drawing the new lion

to the Colosseum.

- Now you clear the road.

- What? Go in after you and your dust...

with half the town at the heels

of you and your lion?

Not likely. We no first.

Ten-shun!

Now you look here! The menagerie service

is the emperor's personal retinue...

and you clear out, I tell you!

You tell me, do you?

Well, I'll tell you something.

If the lion is the menagerie service,

the lion's dinner is menagerie service too.

And this is the lion's dinner!

Now back up your bullocks double quick.

Learn your place!

Now then, you Christians, step out there.

Come along, the rest of the dinner.

- I shall be the olives and the anchovies.

- [Ferrovius Chuckles]

- I shall be the soup.

- I shall be the roast boar.

Ha, ha, ha!

And what will you be, Androcles?

I shall be the mince pie.

- [Prisoners Laughing]

- Silence!

Have some sense of your situation.

Is that the way for martyrs to behave?

[Laughing Continues]

In the Emperor Domitian's reign...

a Gaul slew three men in the arena single-handed

and gained his freedom.

- Could this Ferrovius surpass him?

- Not in my opinion.

You think his opinion is wrong, Captain?

I think his opinion is prejudiced, Caesar.

And the female prisoner... -

was she any more successful

in her attempts to convert you, Captain?

No more successful, but less obvious, Caesar.

I commend your devotion to duty, Captain.

Your devotion is only to your duty,

I hope, Captain.

- Only to my duty, Caesar.

- Then she was not pretty?

She was very pretty, Caesar.

You are a brave soldier, Captain.

[Man]

Hail Caesar.

Spintho. You're late.

We've missed you.

I have been at the temple all morning.

Do the gods treat you so poorly

that they wear you out?

- You look a bit seedy.

- I have not been well.

You go to the temple too often.

Piety can be overdone.

Too much religion is not good for the liver.

One might think

you had a bad conscience, Spintho.

My conscience is as clear

as the next man's.

A small boast, Spintho.

Let us have no quarreling.

I want nothing to mar the success of the games.

Cato, the editor fears that we shall use up

all the available Christians...

and be left with nothing

but idle time on our hands.

I shall always know

where to turn up one or two.

Caesar assures me

we shall never be without them.

I was explaining to the editor

that they are noble rascals...

who will eventually gobble us up... -

as the lions now gobble them up.

They are not all noble, Caesar.

- Some of them are quite two-faced.

- Indeed?

I thought they were too dedicated

for double-dealing.

There are those with a foot in both camps...

blowing with each golden wind

whither their profit takes them.

Romans one day, Christians the next.

Thus they may rob the temple today

in the name of Christianity...

and steal from the Christians tomorrow

in the name of Rome.

[Caesar]

How opportune for them.

Are there really such scoundrels, Cato?

Nearer than you think, Caesar.

Really? At the court?

What fun.

I shouldn't have believed it.

Cato insults us all by these accusations.

I, for one, resent them.

I made no accusations, Spintho.

Think of it. A Christian at the court... -

and a dishonest one.

Not anyone present, Cato?

Not Metellus? Nor Lentulus?

Caesar.

Not the editor?

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