Animal Crackers

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1

You must do your best tonight,

be on your toes, men.

There's an honored guest tonight.

He's one of those men,

who are being feted

by the smart-set.

We'll see

that he gets what he deserves.

Treat him as they do a king,

in manner royal.

Like a subject to a king,

you must be loyal.

On this

you must have your hearts set.

We'll do nothing to get on his nerves.

Again I mention:

Be on your toes, men.

He craves attention,

he's one of those men.

We will give him

just what he deserves.

Oh, Hives...

- Yes, Mrs. Rittenhouse?

I'd like to reassign the rooms.

- Very good, madam.

Mr. Chandler

should have the Blue suite.

Captain Spaulding, as guest of honor,

gets the Green duplex with 2 baths.

Two? - Yes. I think the Captain

would like 2 baths, don't you?

If he's just returned from Africa,

he may need 2 baths.

Mr. Roscoe W. Chandler.

Mrs. Rittenhouse! Well, I...

Mr. Chandler!

So nice to see you.

- The famous Beaugard, as promised.

How can I ever express my gratitude?

- Oh, 'tis nothing.

Nothing? You return from Europe

with a masterpiece worth $100,000,

and instead of displaying it yourself,

you let me unveil it

at my party for Captain Spaulding.

You call that nothing?

- Mrs. Rittenhouse, I...

Please remove it to where it will be

exhibited. - Very good, sir.

And very careful, please.

You think that is something?

I would do much more for you.

You are a very beautiful woman.

- No, no, Mr. Chandler.

Well, maybe I'm wrong.

- What?

Please do not go. I love you.

- I know. Mr. Chandler, now look...

Hello, Mother. Playing house?

Well, if you'll pardon me.

Have you seen Johnny Parker?

- Forget him. Think more of our guest.

Your problem is you don't take

these social affairs seriously.

What would you suggest, Mom? Suicide?

I would suggest...

That must be him.

- Captain Spaulding has arrived.

What a pleasure! I'm so glad.

Friends,

Captain Spaulding has arrived.

At last we are to meet him,

the famous Captain Spaulding.

From climates hot and scalding,

the Captain has arrived.

Most heartily we'll greet him,

with plain and fancy cheering,

until he's hard of hearing.

The Captain has arrived.

The Captain has arrived.

Mr. Horatio W. Jamison,

Field Secretary of Captain Spaulding.

The Captain insists on these

conditions under which he camps here.

In one thing he is very strict.

He wants his women young and picked.

As for men,

he won't have any tramps here.

As for men,

he won't have any tramps here.

The men must all be very old,

the women warm, the champagne cold.

It's under these conditions

that he camps here.

I'm announcing

Captain Geoffrey Spaulding.

He's announcing

Captain Geoffrey Spaulding.

Oh dear. He is coming.

At last he's here.

Well, what do I owe you?

From Africa to here, $1.85?

Outrageous!

I told you not to take me

through Australia. That's criminal.

Turn around.

I want to see your license plates.

I'll attend to you later.

You're one of the most beautiful

women I've seen. Doesn't say much.

Captain, Rittenhouse Manor

is entirely at your disposal.

I'm grateful for this magnificent

washout, ah, turnout.

Vow I'd like to say a few words.

Hello, I must be going.

I cannot stay.

I came to say I must be going.

I'm glad I came,

but just the same, I must be going.

But you must stay.

If you should go away, you'll spoil

this party I am throwing.

I'll stay a week or two,

I'll stay the summer through,

but I am telling you,

I must be going.

Before you go,

will you oblige us

and tell us of

your deeds so glowing?

I'll do anything you say. In fact

I'll even stay. - Good.

But I must be going.

There's something I would like to say

that he's too modest to relay.

The Captain is a moral man.

Sometimes he finds it trying.

This I emphasize with stress. I never

drink unless... somebody's buying.

The Captain is a very moral man.

If he hears anything obscene,

he'll naturally repel it.

I hate a dirty joke, unless it's told

by someone who knows how to tell it.

The Captain is a very moral man.

Hooray for Captain Spaulding,

the African explorer.

Did someone call me Shnorrer?

He went into the jungle,

where the monkeys throw nuts.

If I stay here, I'll go nuts.

He puts all his reliance

in courage and defiance

and risks his life for science.

He is the only white man

to cover every acre.

He puts all his reliance

in courage and defiance

and risks his life for science.

Hooray for Captain Spaulding,

the African explorer.

He put his name on dying fame

and that is why we say:

Hooray, hooray, hooray.

My friends, I'm highly gratified

of this display of effusion.

And I want you to know...

My friends, I'm highly gratified

of this display of effusion...

My friends, I'm highly gratified

of this display of effusion.

Hooray for Captain Spaulding...

Well, somebody's got to do it.

It is indeed a great honor

to welcome you to my poor home.

Oh, it isn't so bad.

Wait. You're right, it's one of the

frowziest joints I've ever seen.

The wallpaper!

You're letting this place run down.

You're not getting the class of people

you need. These people look like you.

Let's put up a sign,

"Under new management".

We set up a 75-cent meal

that knocks their eyes out.

Then we can charge

whatever we want. Sign here

and give me a check for $1,500.

This insurance policy provides for

your little one and your old age,

which will be here in a few weeks.

I feel that the time has come,

the walrus said...

You stand before me as one

of the bravest men of all times.

Alright, I'll do that.

In the dark forests of Africa,

you dared all dangers.

You mind if I don't smoke?

Fearlessly

you have blazed new trails,

scoffed at the lions' roar

and the cannibals' tom-toms.

Says you.

Never once in all those months

did your footsteps falter.

Cowardice is unknown to you.

Fear is not in you.

Pardon me, a caterpillar, Captain.

The caterpillar

must have frightened him. Oh dear.

Don't just stand there,

get the whiskey.

Where's the whiskey? - In my little

black bag, in the right-hand corner.

Signor Emanuel Ravelli.

How are you? Where's the dining room?

- This is a surprise.

I used to know an Emanuel Ravelli

who looked exactly like you.

I am Emanuel Ravelli.

- You're Emanuel Ravelli?

No wonder you look like him.

But there is a resemblance.

And he thinks I look alike.

- If so, it's a tough break for you.

You are one of the musicians?

Aren't you due tomorrow?

Tomorrow's too quick.

Lucky they didn't come yesterday.

- We charge for yesterday, too.

What do you get an hour?

For playing, we get $10 an hour.

- And for not playing?

$12 an hour.

- Clip me off a piece of that.

For rehearsing, we make special rate.

That's $15 an hour.

For rehearsing?

And for not rehearsing?

You couldn't afford it.

If we don't rehearse, we don't play.

And if we don't play,

that runs into money.

How much for running into an open

manhole? - Just a cover charge.

Well, drop in some time.

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