Animal Crackers Page #2

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- Sewer.

Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.

- Let's see how we stand.

Flat-footed.

Yesterday we didn't come.

You remember? That's $300.

Yesterday you didn't come.

That's $300?

Oh, that's reasonable.

Today we did come...

- You owe us 100.

I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal.

Tomorrow we leave. That's worth...

- A million dollars.

Yeah, that's alright for me,

but I got a partner.

The Professor.

The gates swung open

and a Fig Newton entered.

How do you do?

Goodness.

You haven't got chocolate, have you?

He's got everything. - Hives,

take the Professor's hat and coat.

And send for the fumigators.

Don't you see that there are ladies

present? Put that hat down.

What are you doing?

Get out of here. Go on.

A little more to the right.

That's better.

See that the drape is well-hung.

The mistress will inspect it later.

Hello, Hives.

- Mrs. Whitehead!

This is a surprise.

- And how about me? - Miss Grace!

You've grown so.

- You haven't lost any weight, either.

No, unfortunately not.

It seems strange to find you working

here instead of our own home.

After you left for Europe,

Mrs. Rittenhouse made me an offer.

Lovely. By the way, what's the secret

about the painting?

No secret.

It's Beaugard's "After the Hunt".

The original?

- Most original.

Be careful.

Where did she get that?

Is it very valuable?

- It must be worth a fortune.

It looks as if Mrs. Rittenhouse gets

the Social Award of the Season.

Can't we do something?

- We might shoot ourselves.

I'd rather shoot Mrs. Rittenhouse.

I have an idea. I copied that painting

at art school a year ago.

Well, what of it?

But I still don't get it.

I'll get the copy.

We'll substitute it for the original

and when she unveils it,

she'll have a cruel imitation.

Grace, you're wonderful.

- That's what I've been telling you.

I won't be long.

- Alright. See you later.

Oh, Hives?

Do you still feel a bond between us?

- Most certainly, Mrs. Whitehead.

Strong enough for you to do me

a big favor? - Anything at all.

If I were to ask you

to take away the Beaugard...

Do you mean...

- Temporarily, of course.

And substitute something of my own?

- Quite an unusual request.

It is, but somehow I still think

of you as one of the Whiteheads.

You may count on me.

My soul is yours,

even though my body

may belong to Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Why, Hives!

Oh, Mrs. Whitehead!

- Arabella!

May I present Mr. Parker?

- Of the Massachusetts' Parkers?

Why, no.

- Then the Southern Parkers?

No, the Central Parkers.

You know, the Benches and Trees.

I see.

Meow!

Oh, I don't like that woman.

You sit down here

and tell me whom you do like.

Oh, so that's your game.

- Vow listen. Do you really love me?

Marry me and find out.

- Marry you?

On what? Last year I sold 2 paintings.

One at 100 and one at 50.

Could we live on $150 a year?

- We wouldn't need money.

I've got a charge account

in every shop on 5th Avenue.

If I had any brains, I'd give up

painting and get a regular job.

I had a cousin who made $50,000

in Wall Street last year.

I don't wanna marry your cousin.

I'm a darn fool and wanna marry you.

Say...

we could get that old bluff Chandler

to buy a portrait from you.

Chandler?

What does he know about art?

The less he knows,

the easier it'll be for you.

They're right upstairs. You can't miss

them. Go round the other side.

Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Captain Spaulding!

How are you?

Tell me. Are you alone?

- Captain, I don't understand.

You don't? Don't give me that innocent

stuff or you'll be alone.

A big cluck like you

turning cute on me!

Mrs. Rittenhouse...

- Yes?

Oh, pardon me.

You've been affected like this before?

Oh no, Captain.

- You will be.

Mrs. Rittenhouse...

Ever since I've met you,

I've swept you off my feet.

Something has been beating in me like

the incessant tom-tom in the jungle.

Something that I must ask you.

- What is it, Captain?

Would you wash a pair of socks for me?

- I'm surprised.

It's been on my mind for weeks.

It's my way of saying I love you.

I love you. I've never been...

- Captain!

Pardon me. Am I intruding?

Are you intruding? Just when

I had her on the 5-yard line.

I should say you were intruding.

Pardon, that you are intruding.

I was using the subjunctive

instead of the past tense.

Yes, we're way past tents,

we're living in bungalows now.

Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met

Captain Spaulding, have you?

No

How are you? - How are you?

- Fine, thank you. How are you?

And how are you?

That leaves you one up.

Did anyone ever tell you

you had beautiful eyes? - No

Well, you have.

And so have you.

He shot her a glance.

As a smile played around his lips.

I've never seen

four more beautiful eyes in my life.

Well, three anyway.

You two girls have everything.

You're tall and short, slim and stout.

Just the kind of girl I crave.

We three would make an ideal couple.

You have beauty, charm, money.

You have got money?

If not, we can quit right now.

The Captain is charming, isn't he?

- I'm fascinated.

I'm fascinated, too. Right on the arm.

Fascinated, whim-wham!

If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell

you what I really think of you two.

You're fortunate the Theater Gill

isn't putting this on.

And so is The Gill.

Pardon me

while I have a strange interlude.

You couple of baboons, what makes

you think I'd marry either one of you?

Strange how the wind blows tonight.

It reminds me of poor old Marsden.

How happy I could be

with either of these two,

if both of them just went away.

Well, girls, will you marry me?

Which one of us? - Both of you.

Let's all get married. It's my party.

Party... Party...

Here I am talking of parties.

I came down for a party. What happens?

Nothing Not even ice cream.

The gods look down and laugh.

The world would be better for children

if the parents had to eat the spinach.

What do you say?

We all gonna get married?

- All of us? - All of us.

That's bigamy.

- Yes, and that's big of me, too.

Let's be big for a change.

One woman and one man was enough

for your grandmother,

but who wants to marry her?

Nobody Not even your grandfather.

Think of the honeymoon. Strictly

private. No other woman allowed.

Well, maybe one or two,

but no men. I may not go myself.

You want a companionate marriage?

It has its advantages. You'd live with

your folks, I'd live with your folks.

And you'd sell Fuller brushes.

Living with your folks...

The beginning of the end.

Drab yesterdays shutting out

beautiful tomorrows.

Hideous footsteps creaking along

the misty corridors of time,

and in those corridors I see figures.

Strange figures.

Weird figures:

Steel 186, Anaconda 74,

American Can 138.

Where were we?

Oh yes, we wanted to marry.

What do you think? Should we?

- Marriage is a noble institution.

The foundation of the American home.

- Yes, but it can't be enforced.

It was put over on us

while our boys were over there

and our girls over here.

I've waited at these stairs

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