Animal Crackers Page #3

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for years for just this moment.

Captain, where are you going?

- I'm sorry, ladies,

we'll have to postpone the wedding

for a few days. Maybe for a few years.

Before I get married, I'm gonna

sow a couple of wild oats.

The Captain's so amusing.

- Isn't he charming?

That's the famous Beaugard, eh?

Great picture, isn't it?

You've seen it before?

- I spent 3 days in Paris copying it.

You did?

- Me and a million other artists.

I bet yours was better than the rest.

- It wasn't bad.

I'll show it to you sometime.

Listen. - What?

- Mother's going to unveil it tonight.

Yeah?

Suppose when she unveils it,

it's not the Beaugard at all.

Suppose it's yours.

- You want to swap mine for his?

Exactly.

- You're crazy. What good would it do?

What good? Listen.

They'll unveil it. Chandler

will tell everyone how fine it is.

They'll cheer like mad, and then

we'll tell them who really did it.

They'll say you're a great artist.

You'll get 6 commissions,

and we can be married and

divorced in no time.

Sound great. But what if

they don't like my painting?

Isn't the chance worth taking?

I see you're admiring my picture?

- Yes, yes.

Your picture? - Yes, my picture.

- It don't look like you.

Some place I met you before.

Your face is very familiar.

I am one of the most

well-known men in America.

The newspapers

keep running my photograph.

You're not Abe Kabibble?

- Nonsense

If you're not Abe Kabibble,

who are you?

Vow please.

My name is Roscoe W. Chandler.

I don't get about the name.

Some place I met you before.

Were you ever in Sing Sing?

- Please.

No I got it. Joliet!

- Let me alone.

Alright. Don't run away.

Leavenworth!

I've never been in these places.

I've spent most of my time in Europe.

I've got it now.

You come from Czechoslovakia.

You're wrong. I've never been there.

Hey, come here.

- I tell you. Get away from me.

You remember him?

He come from Czechoslovakia.

You are wrong. I told you before.

He come from Czechoslovakia.

And I know who it is.

Abie, the fish peddler from

Czechoslovakia. - Ridiculous.

We prove it. He had a birthmark.

Please, what are you trying?

Let me alone!

There it is! The birthmark!

Abie, the fishman.

I confess. I was Abie.

How did you get to be Chandler?

- How did you get to be Italian?

Whose confession is this?

Don't tell anyone about this

and we can come to some agreement.

One that is mutually satisfactory.

Money. Money.

- Shall we say $500?

Fie to $500!

- All the cash I have with me.

$500? I tell you what.

We'll take your IOU.

That's my best offer.

- That's all you'll give?

Abie the fishman!

Abie the fishman!

Please, be quiet.

Come here.

I have a check for $5,000.

Is it good? - Of course.

Who would give me a bad check?

I would. See if it's good.

Alright, if you don't want it...

- That's all we get?

Yes.

- He's Abie the fishman!

Give me that handkerchief.

My tie! Where's my tie?

Nothing but a pair of thieves.

I get the tie. What you got?

The birthmark!

Where's your tie?

- Why I...

Fine way

for a millionaire to run around.

Have you got garters?

- Of course. Oh, they've taken them.

A likely story.

Have you at least got socks?

Certainly. Here. - They look

pretty old to me. Whose are they?

Well, old socks. Let me introduce

myself. I'm Captain Spaulding.

Roscoe W. Chandler.

- This is a treat, your treat.

You have heard about me?

I've heard about you for years,

and I'm getting pretty sick of it.

Quite naturally, I've also heard

of the great Captain Spaulding.

Fine. I've heard of you

and you've heard of me.

Have you heard the one about

the two Irishmen? - Oh yes.

Then let's get down to business.

My name is Spaulding.

Roscoe W. Chandler. - Geoffrey T.

Spaulding. What's the "T" stand for?

Thomas?

- Edgar. You were close, though.

I want to talk to you about something.

Would you like to finance

an expedition? - That is a question.

You certainly know a question

when you see it. I congratulate you.

And that brings us back to where we

were. Will you finance an expedition?

Do you have

a particular one in mind?

I've always wanted to do something

before I quit. - What is that?

Retire.

Vow, would you be interested?

My retirement would be the greatest

contribution to science ever.

This is your chance. When I think

what you have done for this country.

What have you done, by the way?

- Oh well...

I've always tried to do what I could.

Especially for art.

How have we drifted around to that?

What is your opinion of art?

I'm glad you asked.

- I withdraw the question.

He takes things seriously.

You can't ask a simple question.

Where will you build your new opera

house? - Near Central Park.

Why not right in Central Park?

- Could we?

At night, when no one's looking.

Better yet, in the reservoir. But that

could interfere with the water supply.

After all, art is art.

On the other hand, water is water.

And east is east, west is west.

If you stew cranberries like

applesauce, they tastes like prunes.

Vow tell me what you know.

I would gladly giving you my opinion.

Dandy,

I'll ask you for them someday.

Can you be

in my office at 10 tomorrow?

Ask for my secretary.

If he sees you, I'll discharge him.

Saturday at 3. No, make that Tuesday.

I'm going to Europe Monday.

My name is Spaulding.

I've always wanted to meet you.

What do you think of

the problems of traffic and marriage?

What do you think of

when you go to bed, you beast?

Well, I... - I'd rather not hear it.

There are children present.

My dear Captain, it boils down

to a question of money.

The nickel is not what it was

10 years ago.

I'll go further than that.

It's not what it was 15 years ago.

You know what this country needs?

A 7-cent nickel.

We've had

the 5-cent nickel since 1492.

Nearly 100 years.

Let's give the 7-cent nickel a chance,

and then try an 8-cent nickel.

You buy a 3-cent paper and

get the same nickel back.

One nickel carefully used

would last a family a lifetime.

I think that's a wonderful idea.

- Really? - Yes.

Then there can't be much to it.

Forget it.

Tell me, Captain Chandler...

Excuse me, Spaulding.

I'm Spaulding. You're Chandler.

Let's have no more of this.

Alright. - Bad enough being Spaulding.

- Tell me, Captain Spaulding...

Spaulding is the right name?

- Right.

I'm Chand...

No, I'm Spauld...

Show me the program. For all he knows,

I might be coming next week.

Captain Spaulding,

you're quite a traveler.

How about South America?

I'm going there soon.

Where exactly?

- Uruguay.

You go your-a-way, I'll go mine.

Let's change the subject.

Take the foreign situation.

Take Abyssinia.

And I'll take a hot butterscotch

sundae on rye.

Let's see what the boys

in the back room are up to.

Let's see how yours compares

with the original. - Alright.

No difference! - Look closer.

Maybe you'll find it's better.

You seen my partner?

- No

Oh, Mr. Raviola!

Ravelli. Ravelli. - Oh, Mr. Ravelli.

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