Anything Else

You'd be

So easy to love

So easy to ldollze

All others above

So worth the yearnlng for

So swell to keep

Every home flre burnlng for

We'd be

So grand at the game

So carefree together

That lt

Does seem a shame

That you can't see

Your future wlth me

'Cause you'd be

Oh-so-easy to love

There's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really.

There's an old joke

about a prizefighter in the ring.

He's getting his brains beat out.

And his mother's in the audience,

and she's watching him getting beaten up.

There's a priest next to her

and she says, ''Father, pray for him.''

And the priest says, ''l will,

but if he could punch, it would help.''

There's more insight in thatjoke,

into what l call the Giant So What

than most books on philosophy.

Women.

Camus said that women are all

that we're ever going to know

of paradise on earth.

ln your case, Falk,

there is a seminal joke

that Henny Youngman used to tell

that l think is perfect.

lt sums it up perfectly

as far as you go.

Guy comes into a doctor's office.

He says, ''Doc, it hurts when l do this.''

The doctor says, ''Don't do it.''

Think about that.

That's Davld Dobel,

and l'm Jerry Falk.

We spent many afternoons walklng

and talklng ln the park.

Dld l know when l flrst met hlm

how nuts he was?

We met at the office of some so-called

intellectual comedian's agent.

We were comedy writers trying

to break into the business

by writing nightclub routines for comics.

The difference was,

l was 21 and he was 60.

He wants truisms.

Notjustjokes. Truisms.

We can't afford the crazy prices

for the more established...

Let me say this, if l may.

l can't speak for David Dobel

because l don't handle him.

ln fact, Jerry and l just met him now.

But l've handled Jerry Falk

since he began, and with Jerry Falk,

you get top-quality goods for your money.

You can buy a suit and get

the same cut in a cheap fabric

as you can in an expensive fabric.

Jerry gives you affordable fabric,

a quality fabric, at affordable prices.

ls this gabardine?

Who is that piece goods salesman

who handles you?

Harvey? Don't ask.

My cross to bear.

l'd love to dump him,

but l'm his only client.

You pay that troll

ten percent of your salary?

lt's a long story.

He was there for me

when my marriage broke up.

Your... don't tell me

you got married young.

You thought it would be exciting.

lt turned out to be hebetudinous

and you dumped her.

Am l right?

You are not. She left me.

l can't leave anybody.

lt's my main problem in analysis.

l'm afraid to sleep alone. ''Hebetudinous?''

- You're in analysis already?

- Yes. Very committed, actually.

l turned down some TV jobs

in Los Angeles

because my shrink felt

we weren't finished yet.

You chose psychoanalysis over real life?

Are you learning disabled?

[Falk:
] Obviously, you're not familiar

with analysis.

Wrong. l'm completely familiar with it.

Similar hustlers tried to fob it

off on me at Payne Whitney.

- You were in Payne Whitney?

- That's right. A nuthouse.

l was in the psycho ward

for six months,

a vacation l don't look back on

with great nostalgia.

Really?

Relax.

You don't have to move away.

Oh, no. l'm not suggesting

you were violent.

But l was violent.

That's why they put you in a straitjacket.

You were in a straitjacket?

l'm not going to take an ax

and split your head open.

- Don't be scared.

- l'm just surprised.

What happened?

Why were you there?

l broke up with this girl,

and they put me

with a psychiatrist who said,

''Why did you get so depressed,

''and do all those things you did?''

l said, ''l wanted this girl and she left me.''

And he said,

''Well, we have to look into that.''

And l said, ''There's nothing to look into.

l wanted her and she left me.''

And he said, ''Well, why are you feeling

so intense?''

And l said, ''Cause l want the girl.''

And he said, ''What's underneath it?''

And l said, ''Nothing.''

He said, ''l'll have to

give you medication.''

l said, ''l don't want medication.

l want the girl.''

And he said,

''We have to work this through.''

So, l took a fire extinguisher

from the casement

and struck him across

the back of his neck.

And before l knew it,

guys from Con Ed

had jumper cables in my head

and the rest was...

Why are you in analysis?

You're afraid to sleep alone.

What else?

Fear of death.

That's funny. l have that, too.

My dog has it.

lt's very common to living creatures.

And l have rough patches

with my girlfriend.

- You have a girlfriend?

- l am deeply in love.

Really?

Yes, with the most beautiful,

charming, sexy...

- But there are rough patches.

- We'll get through them.

But there are painful conflicts.

She can be difficult.

But you'd love her. She's a knockout.

- A knockout, but impossible.

- l never said impossible.

- You did.

- Difficult. She can be difficult.

Now she's difficult.

Soon, she'll be impossible.

She's very supportive of my goals.

What are these goals?

l want to write a novel.

A novel about man's fate

in the empty universe.

No god, no hope, just human suffering

and loneliness.

Stick to jokes, that's where the money is.

Want a lift?

No, l'm okay.

l'm meeting my girlfriend.

Today is our anniversary.

You know, maybe next week,

if you'd like,

we could drive out to watch

that intellectual comedian

parade his amphigories for us.

Sure. That'd be great.

lt's funny. l was once in a cab...

this was years ago.

And l was pouring my heart out

to the driver

about all the stuff

you were prattling on about...

life, death, the empty universe,

the meaning of existence,

human suffering.

And the cab driver said to me:

''You know, it's like anything else.''

Think about that.

He was a teacher who lived on

Roosevelt lsland. Public school.

Too frightened to quit

and write comedy full-time because,

as he said,

he knew what it was to starve.

''Amphigories''?

''Hebetudinous''?

Meanwhile, l'm on my way

to meet Amanda.

l'll be on time, she'll be late.

She's late, she's disorganized.

lncidentally, that's not our big problem.

She drives me crazy,

but wait till you meet her.

She is adorable.

- Jerry.

- Amanda. Hey.

- Am l late?

- Not if we go by Rocky Mountain time.

Can you pay for the cab?

l forgot my wallet.

Pay for the cab?

Are you getting the picture?

You know, we did say 7:30.

Sorry.

lt was pretty tough to get a reservation.

- What's the matter?

- l'm in a bad mood.

- l can see. Why?

- l did terribly at an audition today.

You always think you did badly.

l felt so confident until l got up to read,

then l completely froze.

Don't obsess.

l'm sure it wasn't that bad.

l'm my own worst enemy.

l could play that part in my sleep.

l know you can.

Just calm down.

We'll go have a good dinner.

We'll have wine, you can relax.

l got to tell you about this character l met.

He's fascinating.

Don't be mad at me, but l ate.

You ate?

l was starving when l got back

from the audition,

so l had a little sliver

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