Anything Else Page #2

of that Sara Lee cheesecake.

Then l had another one.

You know what l'm like when l get started.

Pretty soon, l'd eaten the whole cake.

You ate the whole

Sara Lee cheesecake?

Then l figured, what the hell.

l finished the spaghetti in the refrigerator,

ate that last lobster tail

and heated up a chicken pot pie.

ls there any furniture

left in the house?

l'm so fat, it's disgusting.

How could you eat before dinner?

l'm sorry. l was so angry at myself

for screwing up.

l couldn't help it.

l reserved a corner booth.

lt's okay. You can order and l'll get

a club soda. l'm dieting anyway.

l can't take their best booth

with just one of us eating.

lt's not nice.

- lt's fine.

- No, it's not.

lt's dinner hour.

The restaurant's jam-packed.

How does it look?

Why do you always care

what other people think?

lt's embarrassing

ifjust one of us eats.

Okay. l'll order a meal

and l just won't eat it.

l can't do that.

So order me a steak,

l'll get a doggie bag,

and it'll be my insomnia snack.

What kind of anniversary dinner is that?

''Can l have one dinner, and can you

put a steak in a doggie bag?''

l thought we'd sit over some wine

and l'd look in your eyes and

tell you how beautiful you are.

l'm not beautiful. l'm fat.

Okay, l'll cancel the reservation.

Let's go home. l'll make myself

some eggs or something.

There are no more eggs.

l ate them.

[Amanda:
] What are you doing?

l made myself a sandwich.

There were some cans of tuna left.

Thank God she hasn't learned how to use

the new electric can opener yet.

My mother's moving in with us.

- What?

- l'm so angry at her.

Wait a minute.

Did l miss something?

She left her boyfriend.

What happened?

l thought she was finally settled.

What happened is she's Madame Bovary.

She's married to a Park Avenue doctor

and that's too dull for her.

Then there's Tom,

the money market maven,

and Perry, the travel agent guy.

But, no, she wants more.

More? More what?

l'm sure she doesn't know.

More fantasies.

Her youth back.

She wants to ''fulfill her life

before it's too late.''

- Those are her words.

- Why is she coming here?

She has no money.

She has nowhere else to go.

Amanda, we have no room.

There's no room here.

l figured we'll put a bed in the office.

ln the office, Amanda?

That's where l write.

That's where l create.

My whole world is in there.

You can create in the living room.

ln the...? No, Amanda.

Everything is in there, okay?

That's my space.

lt's where l write.

All of my rituals

revolve around my space.

- l can't...

- She's my mother.

- She's not staying in a shelter.

- Why didn't you tell me earlier?

- l didn't want to ruin your dinner.

- My anniversary tuna fish sandwich?

You're making matters worse, okay?

You're giving me a migraine.

[phone rings]

Hello.

l'll only be a minute.

When l left you, l ran into Danny Wax.

He said the baby-sitter routine

you wrote for him is not working.

There are no laughs.

Not one laugh in that routine.

People are sitting with stone faces.

The routine is fine.

The guy's just in the wrong profession.

That's what l told him. l said, ''Danny,

you've been around for a long time.

''You think there's a reason

you never made it?''

No tact.

None. None.

l said to him, ''Danny, a man buys a suit.

''He says he's happy with it.

''Then he sees another suit.

Suddenly he doesn't want

the suit he's got.

''He wants a new suit.

He's not happy with the old one.''

Right, yeah.

Listen, l'm a little busy now.

Can l ring you back?

l was up to NBC.

There is nothing doing up there.

Not right now.

Things being equal, they'll change.

Right now they're not equal.

l'd like to have lunch with you this week.

l need a business thing done.

We have to talk.

l got a business thing to discuss.

What kind of business?

What do you mean?

There's nothing to get anxious about.

lt's about the future.

Good-bye.

Jerry, do you think l'm fat?

l think you're amazing-looking.

You're just used to the losers

you dated before me.

Losers? Not all of them were losers.

What is behind your back?

Something for me?

- This is for you. Happy anniversary.

- Happy anniversary.

You have to forgive the wrapping.

l lost my temper

when l couldn't get it even.

l can tell. Not exactly a work of art,

but l forgive you.

Open, open.

- l think l know what these are.

- Do you?

These are the earrings from downtown.

l couldn't not get them for you.

You look so good

in those kind of earrings.

Do l?

Beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful.

- Thank you.

- You like them?

You're the only one l've ever dated

who's known exactly what to get me.

lt's because you have

a special vision of me.

''No Exit'' and ''The Flies.''

Jean Paul Sartre.

That's amazing. Thank you.

lt was between that and O'Neill.

l couldn't decide whose

nihilistic pessimism made you happier.

l think it was Tennessee Williams

who said that the opposite of death

is desire.

[Falk:
] And l desired you

from the first moment we met.

l could live down here.

lt's so beautiful.

lt is. lt's very pretty.

l don't know about living down here.

l like to visit, but l like to go home

to the Upper East Side.

You wouldn't consider it?

After we get married, move to the Village.

Why is marriage so important?

l just got out of a marriage.

Just because we get

a signed piece of paper?

You moved in with me.

We're a couple, right?

Yes, we moved in together.

We've been dating over a year now.

l guess l'm old-fashioned.

l know. All your girlfriends

are getting married...

- Falk, what's up?

- Bob, how are you?

Bob, this is Brooke.

Brooke, Bob Stiles.

- How's it going?

- Falk and Brooke.

This is Amanda.

This is Falk.

This is Brooke.

So, what are you guys doing down here?

She just bought her dad

a ridiculous birthday present.

You think it's ridiculous.

l think it's great.

Let them see it.

Maybe l'm wrong.

- Oh, that's a...

- A turn-of-the century stereopticon.

You knew that.

Wait. lt's complete

with pornographic slides.

- lsn't it wonderful?

- l think it's brilliant.

[Bob:
] Just what he needs,

antique pornography.

l always thought you had

a little yen for your dad.

Ha ha.

Hey. We're going to a great

lndian restaurant tomorrow night.

We want to invite you.

l've hyped you to Amanda.

- You can only disappoint.

- That sounds great.

- Are we busy tomorrow night?

- We're taking my parents out.

But that was tentative, l thought.

- You hate lndian food.

- ''Hate.'' That's a strong word.

l've wanted to give it a second chance

since l realized how much you...

she loves tandoori chicken.

- Come on. lt'll be fun.

- l should give it another shot.

What l love about Bogart

is that he's so intensely urban.

The cigarette,

the five o'clock shadow.

Always in some seedy nightclub.

Didn't l say that exact same thing

about Frank Sinatra? Urban.

Exactly. l even used the term.

That's...

Where did you go to school?

Ethical culture. Fieldston.

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