Anything Goes Page #8

I have a terrible headache.

There is an epidemic.

You will find a table for two over there.

I'll join you in a moment.

It takes a Frenchman...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our gala.

We are fortunate

in starting the show tonight...

with that great American star,

Mr. Bill Benson.

I'll read your fortune in the tea leaves

I'll read the writing on the wall

But my very best work

The work I do best

I do with a turban and a crystal ball

A second-hand turban

and a broken-down crystal ball

Get out of here, get out!

I was the very first to prophesy

The month of June would come before July

I predicted that the leaves would fall

each fall

With a second-hand turban and a crystal ball

I think the year was 1929

When I insisted all the stocks were fine

Mr. Lindbergh wouldn't get to France at all

With a second-hand turban and a crystal ball

The future! The future!

It all looms very large

The future! The future!

It's yours for a nominal charge

I claim we'll all be dead by '85

Which means it's ten-to-one we'll stay alive

If I say "Good boating"

Just expect a squall

A casual look at my list'll

Prove that I'm hotter than a pistol

With my second-hand turban

and my crystal ball

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

for a practical demonstration

of my mystic and occult powers...

I shall need the assistance

of some young man from the audience.

Preferably a young man

whom I have never met before.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- Have we ever met before?

- No, never.

Not even casually?

- Never.

- Never.

Our standing offer still holds good,

ladies and gentlemen...

if anyone can prove that I've ever...

If anyone can prove...

that I've ever met this young man before...

I shall give them one old

Davy Crockett hat.

- Got one for you, too, if you're good.

- Never.

To continue now, ladies and gentlemen,

out of the debris, out of the shambles...

I shall put this young man into a trance...

to test his receptive powers.

- Are you sure we've never met before?

- Never.

As the High Lama of Birdland

was wont to say...

I shall now awaken the young man

from his trance, and when he awakens...

he shall become the High Rajah,

the all-knowing Rajah.

- What are you?

- I've been a Rajah all my life.

I shall pass among you now,

ladies and gentlemen...

and the high and knowing Rajah...

the all-knowing Rajah,

shall answer any and all questions.

Take the ball, please.

No, I did that, I did that.

There you are, Rajah.

Come on, you look like a doll.

I can't see anything.

That's the idea. We're business partners.

- Wait a minute, I'm getting a message.

- Okay, come along with me.

Now, for the demonstration.

I have an object here I'm holding high

I'd like you to identify

Now, am I getting through to you,

my friend, at all?

Loud and clear, professor.

Tell me now, tell me, Rajah, what am I

holding in my hand?

- You're holding something.

- Take your time.

- There's something in your hand.

- Yes, I have, in my hand.

Take my time, huh? Time magazine!

- No, no, Rajah, no, no!

- Life magazine!

- No, no, no...

- Look magazine. Time Marches On.

Watch yourself, Raj, watch it!

Watch myself, watch myself...

I have it! A wristwatch!

The Rajah is rolling tonight. Come along.

I'm going to stop at the table

of this charming gentleman...

and pick up an object

and ask you to tell me...

what am I holding in my hand?

What am I holding?

- You're holding up the show.

- No, you're fighting me, Rajah.

What am I holding in my hand?

Tell me quick.

- Boxing gloves.

- No, no.

- Hairpins.

- No, no.

- Buttons.

- No, no.

You're holding... It's an elephant!

What color?

This bum must've caught the act

in Bridgeport.

Now I'm gonna stop at the table

of this delightful young lady...

and hold my hand over her head

and ask you to tell me...

Now, you'll have to plumb the depths

of your perceptive powers.

- I ask you to tell me...

- That's a lady plumber!

No, no. Is she a blonde or a brunette, Raj?

- Blonde or brunette?

- Yeah.

That young lady is a brunette.

Oh, Rajah, you've just desolated me.

This young lady is a blonde.

Wait a week.

The future! The future!

It all looms very large

The future! The future!

It's yours for a nominal charge

Let's go get 'em.

Please be sweet, my chickadee

And when I kiss you just say to me

It's delightful

It's delicious

With my second-hand turban

and a crystal ball

I'm sorry, but...

that's the only way we could get you two

to sit still long enough for us.

We thought we could laugh you

into letting us explain.

Ted, my mind's made up.

I just can't see you anymore.

Ted's going to make a great son-in-law.

I just wanted you to know that we're not

doing the show we started out to do.

We're having a whole new book written.

This story's about this Broadway character...

who signs a leading lady for his show...

and then he discovers that his partner's

signed a French girl.

And he doesn't like this French girl...

because he thinks

she's interfering with his show.

And he starts out

by trying to get her out of the show.

Instead, he falls in love

for the first time in his life.

The new show's about this talented

young television star...

who goes to France and signs

a wonderful French girl for his show.

Then he learns his partner signed

another girl in England.

He's kind of mad about it,

until he meets her...

and she's pretty incredible.

She's talented, and she's beautiful...

- and, anyway, he's nuts about her.

- Ted.

Did you really think I'd leave you

because Steve is in trouble?

Bill told me what the new show's about.

Great idea.

It's the story of this dashing gambler...

who has a daughter that he wants

to become a Broadway star.

Now, this gambler is a very clever fellow,

and when he hears...

Steve!

- Would you join us in a toast?

- Love it.

To the new show, huh? You're the Top.

I sure wish I could be there opening night.

- Can't you?

- I'm afraid not.

My partner and I are going

to South America on a big uranium deal.

Fine!

When do you think you'll be able

to see the show?

You better have a smash.

I'll be gone for some time.

- Well, good luck, Steve.

- Good luck.

- Good luck to you.

- Good luck.

Do you hear that playin'?

Yes, I hear that playin'

Do you know who's playin'?

No, who is that playin'?

Why, it's Gabriel, Gabriel playin'

Gabriel, Gabriel sayin'

"Will you be ready to go

when I blow my horn?"

Yeah!

Oh, blow, Gabriel, blow

Go on and blow, Gabriel, blow

I've been a sinner

I've been a scamp

But now I'm ready to trim my lamp

So blow, Gabriel, blow

I was low, Gabriel, low

Mighty low, Gabriel, low

But now since I have seen the light

I'm good by day and good by night

So blow, Gabriel, blow.

Blow, Gabe, blow

Blow, Gabe, blow

Blow, Gabe, blow

Gabriel, blow your horn

Blow, Gabe, blow

Blow, Gabe, blow

Blow, Gabe, blow

Gabriel, blow your horn

Yes, when I got to Satan's door

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