Are You Here Page #9

who went to MIT,

because she did.

Can't you ever

just make it easy?

Do you have to suck

the good out of everything?

Good luck, sweetheart.

He kissed me.

Amish Farms Superstore?

Yes, but without

the question mark.

If you believed in anything,

you would realize this is

why people go to hell.

Have you talked

to Ben?

Ben agreed to this?

Underground parking?

Honestly, we spoke,

in rational means

as a family

and this was the decision

that we made.

And luckily

for the both of us

you're not part

of the family.

No, no, congratulations.

You won.

And I don't mean

the battle over the will.

I mean for biggest

twat of the year.

Boy, you really don't know

how to talk to a woman

you're not trying to screw.

Ben and I reconciled,

and your opposition

to that makes me feel

like you just don't

want to be alone

in whatever

weed-powered dance

you two have shared

for the last 25 years.

I want him to get better.

Then for once,

leave him be.

He is going to have

a lifetime of prosperity.

And I'm sure he and Angela

will be very happy.

What?

Maybe it's sick, but those

two found each other.

I know it sounds weird,

but I actually believe

that my brother

and my stepmother

belong together.

Wait, they're together?

Says who?

Oh, Steve,

they are.

Sorry, you're going to have

to find someone else

who's in worse shape

than you now.

Go f*** yourself.

Go f*** yourself, too.

Beard.

Yeah.

You like it?

ls Angela here?

I don't know

if you got my messages.

I wanted you to come so I

could tell you the great news

that the farm is yours

to do whatever you want with.

Fan-f***ing-tastic.

Angela around?

Now, don't be mad,

but Terri's going to get

the store.

- It's just the best way to go.

- That is great, great news.

Do you know

where Angela is?

Are you okay?

I think she's upstairs.

Upstairs where you

were just screwing her?

What are you talking about? I don't

know if you were just screwing her.

That's a weird thing

to say.

Really?

Because it is sick.

If it isn't Amish country's

own Mary Magdalene.

Did you wash his feet first

or just pull him down

off the cross and bone him?

Hold on. Calm down. What?

You're being very...

No, stay out of this.

I'm warning you, Ben.

Stay out of this.

Why are you angry?

Because you f***ed

my friend.

Who told you that?

Everybody knows.

That's none of your business.

I guess nothing

was none of my business.

I never promised you anything.

You got the farm.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Stop it! I'm not going to have the two people I

care about most in the world fight like this.

You got it all wrong.

Now cool it.

Fine, fine.

What happened?

Oh, God.

This is so bad.

You a**holes, both of you.

Such a**holes.

You don't care about anything. Jesus,

you know what she means to me.

It's not what you think.

L-I didn't know, but it doesn't

change anything, I swear.

The hell it doesn't!

I thought I meant something

to you.

Because I thought

you were helping a sick friend,

not making a real estate deal.

What?

I was!

But aren't I entitled

to something?

Yes!

You don't know

where I have been,

the sh*t I have done

to deserve you.

I talked to Terri...

and it's yours to do

whatever you want with it.

And... don't know

what to say except...

I hope you take a look

at yourself...

and realize

how much is there.

Steve...

you got to get

your sh*t together.

I hope one day you find out

what you really care about.

I hope one day you learn

to solve a problem

without sleeping

with it.

What happened between me and

Ben had nothing to do with you

or my feelings for you.

Oh, come on. You sell

all this nature sh*t

and honesty and feelings,

when you're just this empty little

girl with no responsibilities

who gets anything

and everybody she wants

because she's

so goddamn pretty.

And believe me, I know

what I'm talking about.

I do the weather

on TV.

You got a week

to get off my land.

I got that.

Thanks.

You're the new guy?

Pulled all the strings

and got a south unit?

Sorry.

I'm Natalie.

That's Connor.

Ben.

Buenos dias.

You wanted to see me?

Wanted to see you?

I was calling you...

What is that?

Last one in the case.

You're out of luck.

Ah, hell.

I must have called you

100 times.

You never answered. I just thought

you wanted to fire Delia.

And obviously,

I was right.

Interesting thing

about Delia.

I ran it by corporate,

and if she promises

to get a boob job,

which she's on board with,

she can do the weather.

Why did you want

to see me?

With Victoria

getting married...

God, I never thought

that was going to happen.

With Victoria

getting married,

there's an opening

on the anchor desk.

Now as much as I prefer

someone who shows up,

after the last Storm Watch

and then you disappearing

like that,

we received,

like, 7000 letters

expressing

their concern for you

and a wish

to see you again.

You mean seven letters.

The point is

we have an opening

if you want it.

The big seat.

Plus, now we've got

this totally stacked chick

next to you

doing the weather,

and you'll never want

for money.

God, I'm just wondering

what it would take

to get fired around here.

Is this your coffee or mine,

because I have

to drive home.

They're all

my coffee.

Overpaid prick.

Five seconds.

Good afternoon, Annapolis.

Federal investigators

responding...

You missed my shower.

Sorry, I got hit

by a pile of money.

Any lots available near you

on Martha's Vineyard?

Don't you want me

to be happy?

Not sure I want that

for anybody.

I'm going to miss

f***ing you.

I used to think

there was more,

but there isn't.

One new message.

Hi, this is Beverly

confirming your date

for the night.

Her name is Carla,

and she's a petite redhead.

That is, the good redhead.

Think Nicole Kidman,

not Howdy-Doody.

Just so you know,

she has a lot of regulars.

Hey.

You get my letter?

Letter? I got a FedEx

full of weed.

Subtle.

Want some salmon?

I thought salmon

was for a**holes.

Everything else

had so much mercury.

I drove 2 1/2 hours...

and I ended up

back in my own apartment.

Except I don't have the view.

Me either.

They cut the tree down.

Good for you.

How was she?

Wasn't worth a tree.

You going to open

the wine?

You can have some.

There's a glass in the...

Oh, Jesus.

Don't be so proud of yourself.

You know like less

than 10% of the people

who even take

the sh*t you're on

ever stay on it.

I defer

to your drug expertise.

Why did you fall in love with

her and ruin everything for me?

I didn't fall

in love with her.

That's worse.

You ruined everything.

No, you ruined everything!

First of all,

I'm not in love with her,

and I never was.

But you slept

with her anyway?

Why would you do that?

Okay, let's say

I understand that.

But you don't.

She helped me.

Let me feel

something again.

So she makes me

stop getting high,

but you get sex.

What a shitty,

shitty deal.

And for what?

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