Arthur

Bitterman, stop the car!

Stop it, stop the car.

Girls! Girls!

Hello, girls!

Would the more attractive

of you please step forward?

God! That's funny!

No, actually,

you're both very attractive.

Would the one who thinks I'm

attractive please step forward?

Quickly as possible!

Time is money!

What'd you have in mind?

VD I'm really into penicillin.

Now that's funny!

Actually, what I had in mind...

...was spending the evening

with a stranger who loves me.

It's going to cost you $ 100.

Oh, yeah?

What time do you get off work?

No, I'm kidding!

Let's make it $200.

But I will ask you to Simoniz my car.

Has there been a death

in your family?

This is funny stuff here.

Let's go.

Bitterman, give her...

...give her friend $ 100.

She came in second.

Who is that guy?

I'd rather not say.

I think I know.

I saw his picture in the paper.

- That's Arthur Bach, isn't it?

- What if it is?

Is there something wrong with him?

Yes.

Permit me to introduce myself.

Where in the hell's my hat?

It's on the floor.

I hate it when that happens.

I am Arthur.

I'm Gloria.

- I am Arthur.

- Yeah. What're you drinking?

Scotch. Would you like some?

Why not?

You're with me and

you can ask that question?

What's so funny now?

I sometimes just

think funny things!

What do you do for a living?

I race cars. I play tennis...

...I fondle women, but...

...I have weekends off

and I am my own boss.

The Plaza, and step on it!

Sir, if I may say so...

Go through the park.

You know how I love the park!

Can I have another drink?

Isn 't this fun?!

Isn 't fun the best thing to have?!

Don 't you wish you were me?

I know I do!

Isn't that Arthur Bach?

I fell out of the goddamned car!

Is that the funniest thing ever?!

Are you hurt, sir?

I fell out of the car!

Isn't that the funniest thing ever?

You had to be there, right?

You are quite amusing, sir.

Please get my drink.

After all, we're going to the bar.

Thank you so much.

Madame, I'm sorry,

but we have absolutely no...

Don't give me any stuff, buster!

It's all right,

the lady's with me.

Mr. Bach! How good to see you!

If only someone

I knew felt that way!

We have your regular table,

Mr. Bach.

I know you have it,

but is anyone sitting at it?

It's all right. They're used

to seeing me with the turtle.

Uncle Peter! And Aunt Pearl!

You're looking well.

Thank you!

Aunt Pearl, may I say

you're looking younger every day.

Doesn't Aunt Pearl

look wonderful, darling?

She looks great.

We haven't had the pleasure

of meeting this young woman.

Would you introduce us?

How stupid of me!

Princess Gloria, may I

introduce my aunt and uncle...

...Peter and Pearl Bach.

How are you?

Princess? Did you say

"Princess," Arthur?

There's a very small country

in the West Indies. I mean small.

I see. Thank you.

It's terribly small.

Tiny little country.

Rhode Island could

beat the crap out of it in a war.

That's how small it is.

It's small.

It's very little...

It's 85 cents in a cab

from one end to the other.

I'm talking small!

We understand it's small, Arthur.

They recently had

the whole country carpeted.

This is not a big place.

We understand that it's small, Arthur.

And we also understand

that you are very drunk.

So why don't we meet again

when you're sober?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I can't help it.

Grow up, Arthur.

You'd make a fine adult.

That's easy for you to say.

You haven't got

...hanging in your closet!

It's the regular table!

Wait a minute...

...regular chair.

How rich are you?

All I can tell you is...

...I wish I had a dime

for every dime I have.

The service here is terrible.

Where the hell's my drink?

- We just ordered!

- That's always their excuse.

Engine room,

where the hell's my drink?!

Are you married?

There's only one woman for me.

And I can't stand her.

Her name is Susan.

I can't tell you her last name.

It would be indiscreet.

Johnson.

Susan Johnson.

My father wants me to marry her...

...but I'm not going to!

You're the only woman at this table.

Sure, you bring her a bottle,

me you bring a glass.

Fine. Thank you very much.

Aren't waiters wonderful?

You ask them for things,

and they bring them.

Same principle as Santa Claus.

Tell me about yourself.

You mean, why I'm a hooker?

Are you a hooker?

Jesus, I forgot!

I thought I was

doing great with you.

Why are you a hooker?

My mother died when I was six.

Son of a b*tch!

Don't they know

what they do to kids?!

My father raped me when I was 12.

So you had six

relatively good years.

I'm sorry.

Listen, my father screwed me too.

Do you like me?

You're cute.

I know that!

But do you like me?

Well, Princess,

we're going to have fun!

Tonight is New Year's Eve!

Third time this week!

Here's to you!

Noisy!

Hello, darling.

Good morning.

Did you sleep well?

- Fine.

- Good.

Please stop that!

Hobson how good to see you!

- Thank you so much.

- Not at all.

I've taken the liberty of

anticipating your condition...

...and I've brought you orange juice,

coffee and aspirins.

Or do you need to throw up?

Gloria, I would like you

to meet Hobson.

My best friend in the world.

I relish the compliment.

It is thrilling to meet you, Gloria.

You obviously have a wonderful

economy with words, Gloria.

I look forward to your next

syllable with great eagerness.

As we all can see,

it's a lovely day.

Which would seem to indicate

that the night is over.

I have arranged breakfast

for you on the east patio.

This is a robe.

Please put it on.

Say goodbye to her, Arthur.

Do you know what

I'm going to do?

No, I don't.

I'm going to take a bath.

I'll alert the media.

Do you want to

run my bath for me?

It's what I live for.

Perhaps you'd like me to

wash your dick for you...

...you little sh*t.

You'd better watch out

You'd better not cry

You'd better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

Hobson, this is Arthur.

Yes! How delightful

to hear from you.

How about a pitcher of martinis?

No, thank you.

I'm not going

to face my father sober.

If you don't bring them

I'll have someone else do it!

I'll bring them.

- Say goodbye.

- Goodbye.

He treats me like a kid.

You know, Arthur...

...your father is going

to demand that you marry Susan.

I don't care what he demands.

Stay with me a minute, Hobson.

You know I hate to be alone.

Yes. Bathing is a lonely business.

Except for fish.

I beg your pardon?

Did you say "except for fish"?

Fish all bathe together.

Although they do tend

to eat one another.

I often think...

...fish must get

awfully tired of seafood.

What are your thoughts, Hobson?

Pardon me...

I don't want you to be alone.

I'll never be alone.

I have you.

Isn't life wonderful, Hobson?

Yes, Arthur, it is.

Do your armpits.

A hot bath is wonderful!

Girls are wonderful!

Imagine how wonderful

a girl who bathes would be!

Get dressed!

I hate it here.

Of course you hate it.

People work here.

Here, read this magazine.

There are many pictures.

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