Arthur Page #2

Look how nobody ever smiles here.

Why doesn't anybody ever smile here?

They smile at lunchtime.

Lower your voice, Arthur.

And sit up.

Stop being so nervous.

Later on, we'll get ice cream.

Your father will see you now.

Come on, Hobson.

He wants to see you alone.

He gets all that money.

Pays his family back

by being a stinking drunk.

It's enough to make you sick.

I really wouldn't know, sir.

I'm just a servant.

On the other hand...

...go screw yourself.

The press has a good time

with you, Arthur.

"Millionaire Drunk Playboy. "

You're the weakest man

I've ever known!

I despise your weakness!

I'm afraid we have to talk.

I'm not going to marry her!

I've told you a thousand times!

Fine. If that's your decision,

the family has no choice.

I'm sorry, Arthur, very sorry.

But as of this moment, you are...

...cut off.

You mean cut off from...

...you and Grandmother

and the family?

So you mean cut off

from the...

You don't mean cut off from the...

The money, Arthur.

Your grandmother and I have had

all the papers drawn up.

We want this marriage, Arthur.

I want it. Burt Johnson wants it.

Burt Johnson!

He's a criminal!

We all are, Arthur.

And as you know...

...we usually get what we want.

Frankly, Father,

I'd rather starve.

And I will.

I'll get married when

I fall in love.

Fine. I respect your integrity.

You've just lost

Actually, Susan is

a very nice girl.

And she'll make a wonderful wife.

Yes, wonderful.

Have you ever seen her face...

...when the light

catches it just right?

She's really quite beautiful.

Of course, you can't depend

on that light.

The wedding is a month from today.

The invitations will be

mailed tonight.

Ever taste her chicken?

She does spectacular

things with a chicken.

And I love a chicken made at home.

This is the ring your grandfather

gave to your grandmother.

She wants you to

give it to Susan.

This is to marry one girl?

Don't do this to me.

I've been waiting for you

to grow up. I can't wait any longer.

Congratulations, Father, you win.

I had every intention of winning.

Congratulations to you, Arthur.

You're going to be wealthy

for the rest of your life.

That's all I've ever wanted to be.

I'll take three dozen of these shirts.

Assorted colors.

I hate my father.

Then purchase four dozen.

Four dozen.

And I want...

...14 of these sweaters, all green.

- All green?

- I don't wear sweaters.

Send them to

my address, will you?

What else can I buy, Hobson?

Hobson! Did you see that?!

She stole that tie!

It's a perfect crime!

Girls don't wear ties.

Although some do. It's not a perfect

crime, but it's a good crime.

If she murdered the tie

it'd be a perfect crime.

Why are you so happy

about all this?

The man following her

is a security guard.

We've got to be calm!

Isn't she beautiful? Jesus!

May I ask what have

we to do with this?

I beg your pardon, miss.

I'm the security guard

in the store.

You don't need the badge.

No customer would

wear that jacket.

I must look in the bag.

I saw you put something in it.

You got trouble, mister.

You'll never work on the East Coast

again. What's your name?

She's sensational!

She does have a certain

Eleanor Roosevelt quality.

What's your address?

The address, Chester!

I'm not fooling!

I saw you put a tie in that bag!

What did you say?!

All right, that's it!

I want a cop!

Get me a cop!

We need a cop here!

Don't move from where you are.

I don't want you out of my sight!

Get me a cop!

Get your hands off me.

I'm Arthur Bach.

I'll straighten this out.

Mr. Bach, you really should

stay out of this.

Well, he's in it, Chester.

Tell him, Alfred.

I know this woman.

We're shopping together.

Where the hell have you been?

I'm sorry darling.

I got caught up.

She's a friend, Mr. Bach?

He just said that, Chester.

You're such a schmuck.

I asked her to pick out a tie.

I was going to put it on my bill.

- You didn't pay for it?

- I forgot. I'm sorry.

Chester, what can I say?

I had no idea.

May I look at the tie?

Oh, God, that's really lovely.

- I hope you like it.

- You're really wonderful.

Not in front of

all these people, dear.

They might think you're an animal.

Mr. Bach, you understand,

it's my job.

Would you ask the lady at

the counter to put this on my bill?

I'll take care of it, Mr. Bach.

Thank you very much.

Were you scared?

Why are you smiling

at me like that?

I see.

You're a little strange...

...but cute.

How are you?

Have a nice day. Thank you very much.

I'll go to the bus stop now.

Why did you steal that tie?

I don't know.

I'm a wonderful person!

I'm serious.

I'll be with you in a minute.

He's getting on my nerves.

Will you stop smiling

at me like that?

You look like

one of Santa's helpers.

Is he with us?

My name is Arthur,

and this is Mr. Hobson.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon?

My name is Linda.

I'd like to thank you very much.

You did a nice thing.

That was an interesting kiss.

- You kiss your wife like that?

- I'm not married.

Keep smiling. 688-5549.

Don't expect big things

on the first date.

Yes, it's been a distinct

pleasure meeting you.

Arthur, we really must be going.

Thank you for

a memorable afternoon.

Usually one must go to a bowling alley

to meet a woman of your stature.

Wouldn't it be funny

if he called me?

Arthur, I see no reason

for prolonging this conversation.

Unless you're planning...

...to knock over a fruit stand

later in the evening.

Good luck in prison.

Who was the tie for?

A guy.

Look how he stopped smiling.

My father. It's his birthday.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

I don't know.

I have plans for tomorrow night.

What should I wear?

Steal something casual.

- I like him.

- Likewise, I'm sure.

I'll have Bitterman

drive you home.

You don't have to do that.

Bitterman doesn't

have to take me.

I really hardly ever

take the bus, ever.

- But it's so hard to get a cab.

- Of course.

I'm sure we know a lot

of the same people.

- Get in.

- Right.

Tell Bitterman where to take you.

And make sure...

...you give him your address

and phone number.

Take care of her, Bitterman.

Good afternoon!

You'd think they'd never

seen a car before.

Hey lady, where

did you get the car?

Could you children please

allow us our privacy?

Could I sit here until

one of my neighbors walks by?

I want someone I know

to see me get out of this.

I understand.

Here comes Mrs. Nesbit.

This should kill her.

Don't touch the door.

I'll do it.

Mrs. Nesbit deserves

the entire treatment.

Thank you, Bitterman.

Well, hello, Mrs. Nesbit!

Will that be all, madam?

I think so.

Have a nice evening, Mrs. Nesbit.

- Could be a big tie.

- It is a tie.

Then guessing would be

out of the question.

- It is a tie!

- Surprise!

I love it!

It goes with everything I own.

I hope you like it.

If I don't get a job soon, you may

get it back on your birthday.

Dad, shut up.

A funny thing happened

to me today.

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