Arthur Page #3

Do you know why...

...girls marry so badly?

Is this a joke?

Are these Polish girls?

The reason is, there

are so many girls...

...and so few princes.

You met a prince?

I met a nice guy. With my help,

he could become a prince.

- Who is he?

- Just a guy.

What does he do?

Nothing.

Another beauty.

How does he make a living?

Look, I have to make dinner.

I take it this bum

will be calling you.

Dad, he's a millionaire.

You have my permission

to marry him.

Roses. Yellow.

She'll drop dead. She'll love them.

Yellow roses. Two dozen.

I think something else

would look nice too.

Red roses. With the yellow.

She won't know what hit her!

You'll be aces with her.

You're a nice boy.

Two dozen red, okay?

- Do you know what happened?

- No, I don't.

Yesterday I met her

outside Bergdorf's.

I can't stop

thinking about her!

Are you married?

Once. She's alive.

- What's that?

- A yucca plant.

- I'll take it.

- How many?

Four.

Where were you

when I was selling cars?

How did you know

when you fell in love?

How does anybody know?

I was on a train.

From Washington to New York.

What's that?

- A fern. You need five.

- Right!

A girl got on the train.

Skinny. She gave me a smile.

By Baltimore, I was a dead duck.

Did you whistle a lot?

I find I whistle!

I whistled.

Did you feel funny?

I feel funny.

You may have a cold.

Send all this and anything else

you can think of to this address.

Send 2 dozen roses

to your wife.

The skinny one on the train.

Here, keep the change.

You're the rich one?

The one who drinks?

How does it feel

to have all that money?

It feels great.

A dumb question.

What do you do?

I've never asked.

I'm an actress.

I mean, I'm studying to be one.

But I'm working as a waitress.

A lot of talented girls do that.

What's it like being a waitress?

It's fun. I mean, you know.

This guy came in and pulled out...

A guy came into the diner

and pulled out...

- He pulled out what?

- Pulled out a gun!

I love this song!

I love it too!

When do I get a turn?

Can't you see I'm going

for a new world's record?

After only 12 games,

I have 80 coupons!

I knew it would be different

spending an evening with a millionaire.

Two more and I'm 20 for 20!

That's another 35 coupons!

Could we have a little quiet here?

You nut!

Look at him with his gun.

Are you cute!

God, I missed!

Nineteen.

For 19, you get 15 coupons.

We really have to go now.

Space Invaders!

Do you want the orange one?

Enjoy it!

Now take care of it.

I already named it!

I named it after my grandmother

on my mother's side.

Arthur.

Here's a rose.

I stole it from the restaurant.

Thank you.

I've never taken care of anyone.

Everyone's always taken care of me.

But if you got sick, or anything...

...I'd take care of you.

Then I'll get sick.

This Vermeer just arrived today.

It's called...

..."Woman Admiring Pearls. "

The dealer jerked me around

on the price a little.

But what the hell.

We live once.

Martha...

What's the matter, Arthur?

I can't marry Susan Johnson.

- Really?

- I met this girl!

You are a charming boy.

Unfortunately...

...every time you have an erection,

it makes the papers.

Goodness!

I sound like a dime novel.

Peanuts!

Isn't my grandson handsome, Harriet?

- Yes.

- Thank you, Harriet.

Is it wonderful to be...

...promiscuous?

At your age, Martha,

it might just be dangerous.

Who is she? This one you met.

I don't know.

She lives in Queens.

She's nobody.

But there's something

about her, Martha.

Make no mistakes.

You are too old to be poor.

You don't know how.

We are ruthless people.

Don't screw with us.

Arthur, I love you.

If you don't marry Susan

I'll cut you off without a cent.

You're a scary old broad, Martha.

And you are a delightful child.

Marry Susan and cheat

with the nobody from Queens.

How are you?

I got off work early.

Listen, do you like lasagna?

- Yeah.

- Oh, thank God.

I know this is last minute...

...but something came up.

I can't make it tonight.

Fine. No problem. What?

Listen, the truth is...

...I'm getting engaged tonight.

The easiest thing would be

to lie, but I like you...

Look, no sweat.

We had some laughs. Good luck...

I wanted to tell you

the other night, but I...

Don't worry about it.

I have to go. Okay? Bye.

Would you like a beer?

I'll get you a beer.

I'll be all right, sweetheart.

I just have to be

alone for a minute.

Oh, God! I can't bear it.

Come in.

Shall I get the car, Mr. Bach?

No thanks, Bitterman.

Tonight I'll drive myself.

How often does

a young man get engaged?

Where's Mr. Hobson?

Mr. Hobson was tired, sir.

He's resting.

He's been tired

quite a bit lately.

I'm sure he's fine, sir.

Will you cut it out?

I didn't mean to tell you,

but I've got a tumor.

Did the lights go off?

Just talk to me, okay?

With a tumor in my head?

Listen, Arthur.

There are three books...

This is important.

Take them back...

...to the library.

Don't die anymore.

It's getting very boring.

I've only got a cold.

Now go and get engaged.

I just told Linda

I was getting engaged.

I don't know why.

A tart like that could

save you a fortune in prostitutes.

Listen, old man.

Don't ever talk about

her that way again.

She's the best person I know!

Goddamn it,

why are you such a snob?!

I raised my voice to you.

I've never done that before.

That's quite all right.

You know, you may be growing up.

And I'm sorry for what

I said about Linda.

Do you want anything?

I want to be younger.

I'm sorry.

It's your job to be older.

- Good evening, Mr. Bach.

- Good evening, Mr. Butler.

I'm here to get engaged.

Won't you come in, sir?

How are you?

Susan! You get down here

this minute!

Miss Susan is expecting you.

She's dressing.

I will inform her you're here.

Tell her Chief Inspector Flanigan

from homicide is here.

That should get her

down in a hurry.

Nothing. Offer to take my coat.

You don't have a coat.

Well, offer to take my tie.

It's a little joke.

Take the rest of the week off.

You're obviously

under a lot of tension.

Would you care to wait

in the library?

Yes! The bathroom is

out of the question!

That's another little joke.

Follow me, please.

I'm a little nervous.

I'm getting engaged.

You may wait in here.

Thank you!

Is there anything you

care for while you wait?

Do you have today's Pravda?

I like to keep up with Russia.

Then fill a glass with scotch.

Are you sure you want

to be a nightclub comic?

Marty, he's pouring a drink.

I'll get back to you!

If you're going to be like that,

let's call the whole thing off!

God, these people!

I'm glad we had this time together.

You're a funny guy.

You have that trouble too?

This must be awfully

embarrassing for you.

Hello, Arthur.

Hello, Mr. Johnson.

I haven't seen you lately.

The reason you haven't

seen me is because...

...I normally pick Susan up

at her apartment in town.

And you live here.

Want a drink?

I never drink.

- No one in my family drinks.

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