Arthur Newman

All new planes...

Congratulation Mr. Avery.

You're in the system, you're

good to go, so by next week.

I can't come next week,

I have a business prospects elsewhere.

Oh, good for you, sir. Are you

going to go work at another FedEx?

Should go to window seven...

In here.

Is everything ready?

It's $3,000, as discussed.

The exact name you asked for.

It's not a real...

I mean, these numbers belong

to a real human being?

Arthur J. Newman, born

Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1964.

Died Visalia, California,

A real human being.

Good luck, Mr. Newman.

I already did the mustard.

By the way, did I mention I'm

going camping this weekend?

Talbot Island State Park.

well, it's right on the beach,

about 16 miles from

Jacksonville proper.

No, you didn't.

Well, it was more or less a

spur of the moment decision.

You see, I was thinking what

is the most economical

vacation that I...

that we could take...

on my limited budget and, well,

it dawned on me I used

to be a Boy Scout leader,

and I had a tent, and a

sleeping bad, and...

well, actually, I didn't think

you'd want to come, what with

the sand, sea creatures, and...

like I said, it was more

or less a spur

of the moment decision.

Thanks for the hot dog, Wallace.

I got to go back to work.

This is Arthur J. Newman calling

in reference to the

380SL convertible I'll be

purchasing tomorrow.

I was hoping I could

come in at...

at 9 AM instead.

I have an important

business meeting

tomorrow, and I was hoping...

No problem.

I'll see you at noon.

Thank you very much.

Hey.

We saw you spying on

us again last night.

I just came by to say I was

going to Talbot Island State

Park today.

Campground on a beach near,

uh, Jacksonville.

Anyway, I brought you a gift.

Just 'cause, uh...

Hey, I'm Arthur Newman.

Uh, how's it going?

How's life treatin' you, friend?

I'm Arthur Newman!

Hey, there!

Yep.

Yep, it's Arthur New...

Yep, it's Arthur Newman.

That's me.

I don't have a permanent

address yet, friend, but as

soon as I get one, I'll

mail it to you so

your form is complete.

Good.

Excuse me.

I do not choose to partake

of pornography, sir.

This is an extremely

inappropriate subject matter

for public venue.

OK.

Get out of the car, miss!

You stole my car, you

f***in' crazy b*tch!

We're going to have to get you out

of there, now!

Whoa!

God!

I know my rights!

I have a college education!

Uh!

Uh oh, here's trouble.

Just call your wife, see if

she wants her car back!

I just borrowed it!

Show's over.

Everybody go home.

Yeah.

My ex-husband.

Actually, spying.

You know what's crazy?

When we were married, he avoided

Kevin like the plague.

Well, and now...

it's a strange way to

feel connected.

You know what's so

sad about it?

He was kind of great once.

Good times!

Yeah, good times!

I want to have some good times!

I like 'em fat, I like 'em tall,

I like them stubby, I

like them all.

I like them stubby.

Hello?

Are you OK?

Show's over.

Go home.

Um...

Don't touch me.

OK.

You need to see a doctor.

Don't touch me.

I'm going to try

to help you, OK?

I won't touch you.

I won't use my hands.

You lift your arms up, like this, up.

Put your arm around my neck.

That way I can life you up

using my own body weight.

No contact whatsoever

with my hands.

Can you do that?

Put your arm around my neck.

OK?

There, good job.

No hands.

OK, now, give me your...

give me your other arm.

OK, ready?

I can feel your hand.

My name is Arthur Newman.

Arthur J. Newman.

Driver's license, Social

Security, any form of ID.

Are you Michaela Fitzgerald?

They need to know your name.

Are you Mic... are you Michaela

Fitzgerald without peroxide?

Call me Mike.

How's life treating you?

No complaints.

Yeah, that's what

we like to hear.

Hey, just out of curiosity, did

you happen to hear about a

car theft around here

this evening?

Woman allegedly stole a Chevy?

You just admitted the gal.

Actually, I...

I'm just going a good deed.

I don't know her.

The guy with the Chevy didn't

know her either.

Picked her up at the Beach

Comber, took her

Had to drop the charges when the

old Mustang Sally fixed to

call his wife from jail.

Mr. Arthur Newman?

Overdosed on what?

It's a morphine-based cough

syrup, very powerful narcotic.

She drank two bottles of it.

When I asked her why, she said

she had a bad cough.

We're cleaning her our with

an intravenous feed.

She should be fine

in the morning.

Cough syrup?

She's in there.

Hey now, don't you look

sharp as a tack?

In case you don't remember,

I'm Arthur.

I brought you here.

Did I have sex with you?

No.

Absolutely not.

Anyway, I just can't buy to...

Don't leave me alone.

...how you were getting along.

Stay here with me.

And then take me with

you in the morning

when the sun is shining.

Please?

OK, OK.

I'll stay.

For a while.

I'm not asleep yet.

Hello, Mike.

Well, maybe you don't

remember me.

I'm Arthur.

Arthur J. Newman.

And I...

I saved you.

Well, I...

I helped you.

You said you'd stay.

You left.

Where would you like

me to take you?

Should I put the top up?

No.

Would you like a hot

dog or nachos?

No.

OK.

Forgot something.

Is that where you

hide your money?

I'm not hiding anything, Mike.

Arthur?

Yes, Mike?

What's your story?

My story?

What kind of a human being am I?

I mean, what's your story.

I'm a golf pro.

You mean...

you're no Tiger Woods.

Actually, Mike, I've won

quite a few prestigious

But to tell you the truth, life

on the road is wearing me

down, so I'm taking a gig.

Resident pro at a course in

Terre Haute, Indiana.

Were are you going, anyway?

I don't know.

Would you like a ride

to Terre Haute?

No, I wouldn't.

Where are the real hot dogs?

Um, we don't have

them anymore.

Just the tofu dogs.

How is that possible?

Not all of us want the

healthy alternative.

Look, Mike, tofu dogs.

Because I choose to be

health-conscious.

I got you a small token.

Thank you, Wallace.

I love alligators.

It's my pleasure.

What did you call me?

Wallace.

Wallace Avery, right?

I found it in the side pocket

of your golf bag.

The trunk was locked.

I locked it.

I used to work at Lock & Key.

I was really good.

You know, on second thought,

I think I will ride to Terre Haute with you.

Payments.

Yes, this is Ms. Mina Crawley.

Yes, I do know a Mr. Wallace

Avery, and you can tell him

that I took the bus to

work this morning.

Park what?

What are you saying to me?

Look, so you're phony.

What's the big deal?

One-way ticket to Durham,

North Carolina, please.

I saw it in your driver's license.

That's... that's not my...

look, I hate Durham!

Does the lady want

her ticket or not?

I reject the ticket!

Get your hands off me!

I reject the ticket!

I feel dizzy.

You're fine!

My hands are numb.

I got a sick man here.

Is anybody a doctor?

Wait, wait.

Hang on here, now.

He just started convulsing

or something.

Who can help him?

Someone's got to help him.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes