As Cool as I Am
Everybody has two families:
The stable family,
we pretend to have
and then there's the real people
we are related to.
My best friend Kenny says stable
families make boring children.
And by stable families, I think
and dad and kids all live in
the same house all the time.
And by boring,
he means not as cool as we are.
Still and undisputed,
universal masters of the jungle gym!
I'm getting too old for the
super sonic death spiral.
Lucy, play is the great educator.
Alright, it's sole
purpose is to prepare
juvenile animals for adulthood.
It's not play if you puke
your guts out.
Hey, when'd you say your
dad's gonna be home?
I guess I'll see you in a week then.
Hey, I'm not going to ditch you
just 'cause my dad's home.
Lucy. It's fine... just go.
- It's fine... I'm cool here.
- Yeah?
- You go!
- Okay!
Mom says she fell in love
with dad because he was fun
and goofy and everything felt
bigger when he is around.
And he's still that way.
Except since dad's a lumberjack, he's
only home four or five times a year.
When dad's here,
we stop everything.
Mom stays home, I skip school,
it's like a vacation.
I don't know when
the argument my parents
weren't having.
Hey, let's go out for breakfast.
I'm not a kid anymore.
It won't help.
Yeah, you are. And yeah, it will...
Come on!
- We're lucky your dad has a job.
- You always say that.
We're all doing the best we can.
job doing the best we can?
He's out there working his butt off to
support us. It would hurt his feelings.
So, should I lie to you about what
I'm doing to protect your feelings?
I'm surprised you don't
do it more already.
I would. If I did anything interesting
enough to actually lie about.
Don't worry honey, you will!
Just give it time.
Mom pretends she doesn't have
a job when dad's here.
She says it's because dad's kind of
old school about family roles.
If you ask me,
it's kind of lame that her
secret identity is
being a telemarketer.
Mom!
- Mom? What?
- Straight home.
I don't even have my license yet.
Oh! You're a natural! I mean, think
of all the kids you know with licenses,
are any of them more capable
than you? It'll be fun.
Well, wait! How are you going to get home?
If I can't find a ride in this
outfit, I deserve to walk.
So you're saying she isn't that great?
No, Scott! I'm saying you
don't have to say out loud
each random thought
that you have.
I bet you she's really great.
You can always tell
the ones that are gonna
be dirty, freaky sluts.
Oh yeah... Juicy Lucy.
Ooh... you like that. Ooh yeah!
- Huh?
- Yeah!
Ooh... yeah.
- Sorry.
- You're dead, Kenny.
You're... you're totally dead.
- You're deader than death!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- You're gonna wish you were dead!
I saw your dad leave this morning.
I'll tear your guts out and
feed 'em to the rats!
I'll rip your head off and
piss down the hole!
I'll bet if he did manually
decapitate you,
and position your body in just
the right angle,
- I'll bet he still couldn't
- You're gonna wish you were dead.
- Yuck it up, dead boy.
- Hey Scott, what if I kissed you?
For real! Would you leave Kenny alone?
- Yeah.
- Lucy, what are you doing?
Lucy. Oh, come on... Lucy.
So you promise you won't hurt Kenny?
You're a terrible kisser.
What the hell? Who would want
to get with you anyway.
We believe you are our
greatest resource,
and so to that end we plan
to invest in you.
one of the top telemarketing
performance coaches in the state,
Guy Carlsberg.
At the very base of our
lives is meaning.
And this meaning provides direction.
All of our actions are driven by
our most basic beliefs.
It's this base of meaning,
that prevents us from
drifting through an empty
existence at work, at home
in our relationships...
really in all aspects of our lives.
I can't believe I almost made it to
sixteen without seriously
kissing anyone.
And then the first one is
Scott Booker.
You know, memory is malleable.
What does that have to do with Scott
trying to lick the back of my throat?
that you tell a story,
your memory, so...
you could say that I was your
first kiss, and then after awhile,
it would be kind of like
Scott never happened.
Kenny, I still got dirt in my mouth.
Yeah, I know. You wouldn't have to
actually kiss me, I'm just saying.
I'm thinking of shaving my head.
Well, you'll probably
look pretty cool.
I don't want to look cool.
You'd have to kiss me.
- What?
You'd have to do it.
All right.
So of course when you start
your soffritto
what's really important
is to remember that
you're only as good as
your pantry ingredients.
Now there's always in my world,
two different kinds of olive oil.
The one that I cook with, keep in
mind that they're both extra virgin.
One that I cook with,
and one that I finish with.
The difference is about 30 bucks.
Then you gotta evaluate your
entire pantry ingredients.
Sea salt from Trapani.
And then, I also like to use a
little bit of extra virgin olive oil to finish with.
Now this is... they're both
from a similar region...
You know the bad kid always
sits in the back of the class.
What? Are you calling me bad?
I bet the boring kids with the
stable families,
don't have the beautiful mom who
goes to work in stripper heels.
Bye, thank you!
Hey!
- Missing your dad?
- Yeah!
So now, we've got our
condiment going.
We've got our noodles in the water...
We had a seminary thingy
at work today.
Turns out I'm drifting through an
empty meaningless existence.
See... I tried to tell you.
Yeah.
- How is this show always on?
- I record it.
I kissed two boys today.
So I probably ruined my whole life.
- Was there tongue?
- What?
No, it's gross!
Okay.
Well, then you're probably
- Do you want to go down to the river?
- We could.
Could if you want.
It's not like we did anything wrong.
Yeah! I know.
Okay! So don't say stuff like
we could if you want.
What kind of way is that
to talk to me.
Holy sh*t!
Okay...
That's the one I'm gonna remember.
Kenny?
I think I just gave him a seizure.
Okay, so now the calamari is
perfectly tender...
Kenny... are you epileptic?
Chicken Caesar... yeah, you're
gonna have to dress it yourself.
If I dress it now, the leaves
will turn all soggy by lunch time.
I expect you to cultivate a deeper
basic meaning in your own life.
Okay, you're using actual
English words that I recognise
but I have no idea what you're saying.
I don't want you to end up like me.
Mom, that has always been
one of my life ambitions.
Okay! Good girl.
- I love you.
- Go!
I'll see you later.
Hello Miss Burgenham.
My name is Lainee
calling on behalf of
Premier Interworks.
Goddamn it. I'm on the federal no-call
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"As Cool as I Am" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/as_cool_as_i_am_3148>.
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