As Cool as I Am

Everybody has two families:

The stable family,

we pretend to have

and then there's the real people

we are related to.

My best friend Kenny says stable

families make boring children.

And by stable families, I think

he means the kind where mom,

and dad and kids all live in

the same house all the time.

And by boring,

he means not as cool as we are.

Still and undisputed,

universal masters of the jungle gym!

I'm getting too old for the

super sonic death spiral.

Lucy, play is the great educator.

Alright, it's sole

purpose is to prepare

juvenile animals for adulthood.

It's not play if you puke

your guts out.

Hey, when'd you say your

dad's gonna be home?

I guess I'll see you in a week then.

Hey, I'm not going to ditch you

just 'cause my dad's home.

Lucy. It's fine... just go.

- It's fine... I'm cool here.

- Yeah?

- You go!

- Okay!

Mom says she fell in love

with dad because he was fun

and goofy and everything felt

bigger when he is around.

And he's still that way.

Except since dad's a lumberjack, he's

only home four or five times a year.

When dad's here,

we stop everything.

Mom stays home, I skip school,

it's like a vacation.

I don't know when

I first started to notice

the argument my parents

weren't having.

Hey, let's go out for breakfast.

I'm not a kid anymore.

It won't help.

Yeah, you are. And yeah, it will...

Come on!

- We're lucky your dad has a job.

- You always say that.

We're all doing the best we can.

Is lying to dad about your

job doing the best we can?

He's out there working his butt off to

support us. It would hurt his feelings.

So, should I lie to you about what

I'm doing to protect your feelings?

I'm surprised you don't

do it more already.

I would. If I did anything interesting

enough to actually lie about.

Don't worry honey, you will!

Just give it time.

Mom pretends she doesn't have

a job when dad's here.

She says it's because dad's kind of

old school about family roles.

If you ask me,

it's kind of lame that her

secret identity is

being a telemarketer.

Mom!

- Mom? What?

- Straight home.

I don't even have my license yet.

Oh! You're a natural! I mean, think

of all the kids you know with licenses,

are any of them more capable

than you? It'll be fun.

Well, wait! How are you going to get home?

If I can't find a ride in this

outfit, I deserve to walk.

So you're saying she isn't that great?

No, Scott! I'm saying you

don't have to say out loud

each random thought

that you have.

I bet you she's really great.

You can always tell

the ones that are gonna

be dirty, freaky sluts.

Oh yeah... Juicy Lucy.

Ooh... you like that. Ooh yeah!

- Huh?

- Yeah!

Ooh... yeah.

- Sorry.

- You're dead, Kenny.

You're... you're totally dead.

- You're deader than death!

- Hey!

- Hey!

- You're gonna wish you were dead!

I saw your dad leave this morning.

I'll tear your guts out and

feed 'em to the rats!

I'll rip your head off and

piss down the hole!

I'll bet if he did manually

decapitate you,

and position your body in just

the right angle,

- I'll bet he still couldn't

- You're gonna wish you were dead.

get a stream of urine going.

- Yuck it up, dead boy.

- Hey Scott, what if I kissed you?

For real! Would you leave Kenny alone?

- Yeah.

- Lucy, what are you doing?

Lucy. Oh, come on... Lucy.

So you promise you won't hurt Kenny?

You're a terrible kisser.

What the hell? Who would want

to get with you anyway.

We believe you are our

greatest resource,

and so to that end we plan

to invest in you.

I'm happy to introduce to you

one of the top telemarketing

performance coaches in the state,

Guy Carlsberg.

At the very base of our

lives is meaning.

And this meaning provides direction.

All of our actions are driven by

our most basic beliefs.

It's this base of meaning,

that prevents us from

drifting through an empty

existence at work, at home

in our relationships...

really in all aspects of our lives.

I can't believe I almost made it to

sixteen without seriously

kissing anyone.

And then the first one is

Scott Booker.

You know, memory is malleable.

What does that have to do with Scott

trying to lick the back of my throat?

It means that, every time

that you tell a story,

it changes a little bit in

your memory, so...

you could say that I was your

first kiss, and then after awhile,

it would be kind of like

Scott never happened.

Kenny, I still got dirt in my mouth.

Yeah, I know. You wouldn't have to

actually kiss me, I'm just saying.

I'm thinking of shaving my head.

Well, you'll probably

look pretty cool.

I don't want to look cool.

You'd have to kiss me.

- What?

- To change the memory thing.

You'd have to do it.

All right.

So of course when you start

your soffritto

what's really important

is to remember that

you're only as good as

your pantry ingredients.

Now there's always in my world,

two different kinds of olive oil.

The one that I cook with, keep in

mind that they're both extra virgin.

One that I cook with,

and one that I finish with.

The difference is about 30 bucks.

Then you gotta evaluate your

entire pantry ingredients.

I'm adding a little sea salt.

Sea salt from Trapani.

And then, I also like to use a

little bit of extra virgin olive oil to finish with.

Now this is... they're both

from a similar region...

You know the bad kid always

sits in the back of the class.

What? Are you calling me bad?

I bet the boring kids with the

stable families,

don't have the beautiful mom who

goes to work in stripper heels.

Bye, thank you!

Hey!

- Missing your dad?

- Yeah!

So now, we've got our

condiment going.

We've got our noodles in the water...

We had a seminary thingy

at work today.

Turns out I'm drifting through an

empty meaningless existence.

See... I tried to tell you.

Yeah.

- How is this show always on?

- I record it.

I kissed two boys today.

So I probably ruined my whole life.

- Was there tongue?

- What?

No, it's gross!

Okay.

Well, then you're probably

not ruined quite yet.

- Do you want to go down to the river?

- We could.

Could if you want.

It's not like we did anything wrong.

Yeah! I know.

Okay! So don't say stuff like

we could if you want.

What kind of way is that

to talk to me.

Holy sh*t!

Okay...

That's the one I'm gonna remember.

Kenny?

I think I just gave him a seizure.

Okay, so now the calamari is

perfectly tender...

Kenny... are you epileptic?

Chicken Caesar... yeah, you're

gonna have to dress it yourself.

If I dress it now, the leaves

will turn all soggy by lunch time.

I expect you to cultivate a deeper

basic meaning in your own life.

Okay, you're using actual

English words that I recognise

but I have no idea what you're saying.

I don't want you to end up like me.

Mom, that has always been

one of my life ambitions.

Okay! Good girl.

- I love you.

- Go!

I'll see you later.

Hello Miss Burgenham.

My name is Lainee

calling on behalf of

Premier Interworks.

Goddamn it. I'm on the federal no-call

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