As Cool as I Am Page #2

list. Get a new job, you loser.

All right, let me hear what

you guys got.

They're restructuring our

work schedule...

- ...you know, because of the new trial...

- Overtime on a Sunday?

- I won't be late, I promise.

- Mom, I made a pork and lamb ragu!

- More people are home on weekends.

- Yeah, okay.

You know it makes more sense to call.

I'm really, really sorry, Lucy.

- Yeah, me too.

- Okay, bye!

Okay!

Hey, want to stay for dinner?

- I can't.

- Please?

You know my mom doesn't

like to eat alone.

So invite her over!

What? Are you ashamed of

me or something?

I'll give you some sauce to take home.

I wish my dad were here.

You know how I say about dreaming big?

Yeah?

Well, in my bigger life... I get to eat

dinner with you every single night.

I'm gonna cook you the most

amazing meals.

So, the penne is just about 30 seconds

left to being perfectly cooked.

What you want to do at

that point is take it out.

Maybe if I found dad a job here,

we could be a real family.

Mom would have to quit working.

Everything would be perfect.

I lost my parents at 16.

And there is my boyfriend, Ron.

And Chuck... I mean my husband.

And I had Lucy at seventeen.

I was pretty much a total mess.

You probably hear this all

the time but

you've made me see myself

in this whole other...

Shh...

It's so much loss at such a young age,

and we all heal at our own pace.

Is this something I'm gonna

need to lie about?

Lucy, what're you doing?

What am I doing? It's 5 a.m.!

Oh, I- I'm sorry, Lucy.

I should've called.

I fell asleep at my desk.

And where were you

calling, Uzbekistan?

I just came home to shower,

and change clothes

and then it's straight back to work to start

the whole thing all over again.

And that's the best you can do?

"I fell asleep at my desk?"

You know...

it's been a long night.

Yeah! It's been a long night here, too.

Nice clogs.

Nice transsexual

beauty queen costume.

- You know school's back today.

- I knew that.

I was just checking.

I didn't know how

much you'd forgotten

about your alleged family life.

Well, have a great day, honey... okay!

I'm gonna be back home early tonight.

Are you gonna need to be

congratulated for that?

All right, so just, um... remember,

no sexual energy. Okay?

I mean, if these people even sense that we're

going out, we'd be ripped to shreds.

Hey! We're going out?

I don't... I mean, I don't know...

I thought we might...

Why? Because of all the massive

spring break makeout sessions?

- Yeah, because of that!

- It was 100 percent platonic.

Just become invisible. Try to keep

your animal desires under wraps.

Oh... it'll be a tremendous struggle.

Stop...

I mean, we're just these trained poodles

jumping through hoops.

High school's not intended to

challenge our intellect,

it doesn't even prepare us

for anything real in life.

I mean what? After four years of

poodle-training we graduate,

and if we're really lucky

ours parents get to spend thousands

of dollars on four more years

- of higher poodle education...

- Hey... what's up, Lucy?

Hi...?

Where have you been?

I never see you out or anything.

There's a party after

the game on Friday.

I don't go to parties.

You should definitely

start going to parties.

I'll text you the address.

I'll see you there.

How can you go off

about poodle theory,

when you're Mister Straight-A 4.0?

How does Justin Havens

have your cell number?

I don't know.

I don't even know how

he knows my name.

I don't get a 4.0,

- I always get a B in something.

- Why?

- I got the power!

- That's very "gangsta" of you.

We're doomed.

You're too beautiful to be invisible anymore.

Please don't say that!

Beautiful people are

shallow and self-absorbed.

And come on... they never grow up.

Geez, Kenny!

Aah... geez, Kenny...

- So you're lookin' for a job?

- Maybe.

And you think you have a shot at

General Contractor?

Just taking a look at what's

out there.

- How was school?

- The same.

The seminar thing was

about pride today.

Go figure.

You're what I take pride in

you know... raising you.

I don't know how much

credit I can take

but I'm really proud of who you are.

Mom, what is the

deal with hand jobs?

How do you know if you're

doing the right th-

Lucy, please. I'm sorry, okay!

I'm going to a party

Friday night with Kenny.

Well, that sounds like fun.

Probably not.

But I do feel strong parental

avoidance phase coming on.

This is epic.

You know there are people who

actually look back on high school

as being, like, the best time of their lives.

- Arm flying.

- Hey, I knew you'd come.

- Hey... Kenny, right?

- Hey ya, Timmo. Get us beered up, buddy.

Man, I thought the catcher

was going to cry after

he miffed the tag at me on home plate.

I know!

- You were amazing.

- I did it all for you.

We drinking here or what?

- Rage!

- Rage?

To rage!

It's like I was saying at break, homie,

don't be sleepin' on

the sophomores, man.

To Lucy Diamond. The hottest

b*tch in North Central High.

Hey, who are you calling a b*tch?

You're adorable.

Make a hole. Vomit express!

- Kenny!

- He's fine.

He's fine. He just needs a little air.

- Hey!

- What?

Hey, you have a delusional

sense of confidence.

Kenny!

One... step... at a time.

You okay?

Can you please don't do that?

Okay...

- I love you, Lucy. I do!

- Oh, Kenny... Kenny!

Kenny! You are not in love.

You're drunk.

Justin said that... that you're

hot and you love him now.

Justin's a meat-head. I mean, he's cute

but dumb! He doesn't even get sarcasm.

- You know... you think he's cute!

- No. I don't think he's cute. Come on!

No, I don't think he's cute.

Okay, you are so heavy.

Don't step in that!

Yeah...

Hello!

I'm home!

- Chuck?

- Lainee?

Hey, babe.

Come here! There's my girl.

How are ya'?

- Make me a muscle.

- Dad!

No more sawing.

I wanna be a chef.

All done being daddy's

little lumberjack, huh?

- Welcome home.

- So... what's happened?

So... you left March 12th at

eight fifteen. Mom and I went

to the diner's. She got an omelet,

I had pancakes and they...

- Yeah... okay, then what?

- I drove home!

- You drove home?

- Yeah!

In town?

Well, mom told me to come straight

home, but I did go to the park.

Wait, mom let you drive alone?

Dad, I was... I was just trying

to impress Kenny.

And there was this other guy there

who made me kiss him, so...

What!?

Some b*tch-tarded assholian

- made you kiss Kenny?

- No, dad!

Some skanky guy, Scott, and I had to!

He was gonna beat up

Kenny if I didn't...

- Scott! Scott who?

- Dad, it was nothing.

It was just stupid

playground stuff and he...

All right... okay! Where was

the person formerly known as

your mother when all this kissing

and driving was going on?

Dad! She was going to be late so

- I had to drop her off...

- Late? Late for what?

- Good morning.

- Lainee... what the

hell is going on?

I don't know what I was

thinking, Chuck.

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