As Cool as I Am Page #3

- I just...

- Mom, I told him about the job.

A job?

What do I need... Do you want

me to send more money?

Are you having trouble

paying the bills?

It's something to do, Chuck!

It gets really lonely.

What exactly do you

picture me doing

when you're gone?

I picture you raising

our daughter.

I have been raising our daughter

by myself for nearly 16 years.

Kenny?

- Lucy.

- I'm freezing. Move over.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Lucy!

- You know I love you, don't you?

- That was sex, Kenny. Not love.

- Lucy, I'm serious.

- I gotta go!

Hello? Lucy?

Kenny?

PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Lucy! You got company.

There was a really bad famine

in the 3rd century.

And this butcher lured 3 little boys

into the shop,

murdered them, and soaked

them in a barrel of brine.

- That must have been, like, a huge barrel.

- Well, he chopped 'em up!

He was gonna sell 'em as hams.

But then Saint Nicholas...

brought the little boys back to life.

Saint Nich-- like

"Santa Claus" Saint Nicholas?

Yeah, a lot of people don't

know that about him.

I didn't. So what, then they were like

little boy zombies or something?

Well, you really didn't believe

in Santa elves, did you?

No I didn't,

- No... no, you gotta...

- I guess not, yeah.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Hey, I thought we should

get a head start on our homework

so it's not hanging

over our head all weekend.

- Yeah... um, there's cookies inside.

- Yeah.

So, there's a pill you can take

to keep from getting pregnant.

It's a emergency contraception plan B

pill. I got it at Planned Parenthood.

You went there?

So even in the spirit of Easter,

you're saying bringin'

people back from the dead

is not such a good thing.

Well, I mean if it's a

full on miracle with no

side effects like brain damage,

or motor control,

then yeah... it's a good thing but

I think the grey area

moralistically

is in the quality of life

after resuscitation.

Sure! Like if you smelled like pickles.

Right! See... that's no good,

you know.

- I got that!

- Homework?

- Hello!

- Chuck, this is Libby.

Oh... hey, how're you doing?

It's best to take the pill

before 72 hours from this morning.

I already took it.

I tell you what,

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you guys come

over here for brunch?

Are you sure? That's

kind of you, but...

Yeah! Lucy always makes

a mountain of food,

and they're like brother and

sister already, so...

- you know, we're already like family.

- Okay!

- 11 o'clock on Sunday?

- All right.

Fantastic! All right, I'll see you then.

We're gonna have Easter brunch on

Sunday together. How great is that?

Did you know that I used to

babysit your mom?

Of course she does.

Remember I told you

about the babysitter

- who puked in our jack o'lantern?

- Oh, I'd forgotten all about that!

- And weren't you the one... didn't you...

- What?

give Lainee's cousin the

teething toy

that you found in her mother's

underwear drawer?

I was 14. I had no idea

why the women were

so upset and the men couldn't

stop laughing.

It was a vibrator.

Yeah, I got there on my own.

Thank you.

So then Lucy, winds up

having to kiss this

shitdiculous kid Scott

something, Scott...

Booker.

Scott Booker.

Scott Booker. Scott

McSmell-ass Booker. Yes!

Apparently to save Kenny

from getting a beating.

See, that's completely unfair.

Hey, uh, let's do that thing where

we all go round

and say what we're thankful for.

- I don't understand, what's unfair?

- That's Thanksgiving...

Teenage boys have feelings too.

Did it occur to you that

Scott or Kenny might have been

embarrassed or upset by what happened?

I'll start! Uh, I am thankful

to live in a country...

I can tell you all about teenage boys

and their penis-centric feelings.

...nonfiction novel and

- reality television.

- Ooh, that's such a

stupid over-generalization.

I am thankful for the Molto Italiano

cookbook which I got directions...

It's just as hard to be

a teenage boy as it is

to be a teenage girl.

Isn't that right, Kenny?

As a former pregnant teenager,

I have to say it's way tougher being the girl.

Lainee, I know you were

lost in your grief

and your anger when your parents died.

And... and even Chuck dropped

out of high school.

Everyone said he'd a chance

at playing college ball.

I don't want Kenny to have to give up

his life like Chuck did.

Kenny has just as much at risk in a

sexual relationship as Lucy does.

What the effing sh*t?

I think the issue isn't so much

who has a more difficult time,

I think it's challenging for

all adolescents...

- Lainee, you didn't know?

- All right...

I don't need you to tell me what

you think my daughter is doing...

Nothing is being taught

in the schools...

And I don't have to

standby and pretend

that there's nothing I can

do about it.

The real issue is how do we

hold society more accountable?

That's enough!

Are you making accusations

against our daughter?

How dare you?

And I didn't give up my life.

My family IS my life.

You know in the eastern religions

they, uh... they believe that our entire

lives are just an illusion, you know,

that none of this is actually real.

The Buddhists call it samsara.

Hey... hey!

Who's a good boy?

- Well... Happy samsara Easter.

- You know I didn't tell her anything.

I know.

Our parents are never to be

within 500 yards of each other.

That's an absolute imperative.

I don't want to have sex again.

It's not because of your mom

or my dad.

I just want to wait till we're older.

Okay.

That's it? Okay?

Hello, Chica.

Do you know how long we've

been doing this?

Easter leftover feast for the dogs?

Since we were eight.

Right, and we've been friends

since we were six.

That's ten years, Lucy. You know, most

marriages don't even last that long.

I just want us to last.

I thought guys were supposed to have

a sexual thought every 30 seconds?

I didn't say I wouldn't

think about it.

- Hey! No alcohol.

- Agreed, but...

you realise this make us

like thoroughly abnormal, right?

We could always take up smoking?

Yeah, or um, latex bondage.

I hear that's fun.

Scott?

Hey, Lucy. Look what I went and found.

Here you go.

Scott.

I was raised in

Saint Bartholomew's orphanage.

And while I realise that

was a pretty strict

upbringing and a different time...

we didn't force girls to do

things back then.

Yes, sir!

Dad, it wasn't even his i--

Do you know what happened

to Saint Bartholomew?

No, sir!

They took a knife and they

skinned his feet.

And he's alive, he's watching this

happen. Now, they just want

one big piece of skin.

So, you know...

they're taking their time.

One long slice up the leg...

and they carefully peeled the skin

away from the muscle.

Now, most people would die when they

reached the mid-section, but Bartholomew

is one of the apostles.

He's still alive, even after they

skin his face off his skull.

Dad... come on! There

is no reason he...

Your apology should be so sincere,

that it breaks my heart.

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