As Good as It Gets Page #16

CAROL:

(to Simon)

Let me see... Ahh, gorgeous!

MELVIN:

Do it then. Get the dog picked

up. I can't believe you let it

stay there.

Melvin hangs up the phone.

MELVIN:

Good-bye.

(to Simon)

Well, your luck is holding. They

sublet your place. You're

homeless. Frank's got a line on

another place you can use for now.

SIMON:

Another place where?

MELVIN:

Does it matter?

Melvin gets in -- goes to the glove compartment for a

special CD labelled "For Emergency Use Only." As it

PLAYS a confessional love SONGS:

CAROL:

I don't want to hear that music

right now.

MELVIN:

What do you mean? You said you

liked it.

CAROL:

I don't.

MELVIN:

This one has a special meaning.

CAROL:

It's your car but I don't want to

hear it. If that means anything.

Melvin hesitates and then turns OFF the SONG in mid-

proclamation of love.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - NIGHT

As the car arrives... They get out...

MELVIN:

Here are the keys to my apartment.

I'm going to park you in my place

while I take Carol home.

CAROL:

(hefting bag)

I'll take a bus.

MELVIN:

I'll take you... why not?

CAROL:

I don't care what you did for me.

I don't think I want to know you

anymore -- all you do is make me

feel badly about myself.

(turning to Simon)

You have my number.

SIMON:

(hugging her)

I love you...

(sotto)

Let him take you home.

CAROL:

Don't want to. I love you.

She shakes her head and walks off. Simon looking at

Melvin with some sympathy.

MELVIN:

Don't say anything.

INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT KITCHEN - NIGHT

Where Verdell's ears prick.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

As they enter.

MELVIN (O.S.)

I told you to go on in.

SIMON (O.S.)

Look, I've got to get a hold of

Frank and see where I'm hanging my

hat 'cause...

The door opens, revealing them:

MELVIN:

I think you gotta camp it here...

SIMON:

What are you talking about?

The dog vaults toward them -- all else forgotten as the

dog greets his two favorite people and they talk to him.

SIMON:

(to Verdell)

I know the feeling -- you feel

like your ol' self again, huh? --

Mommy and Daddy are home.

Melvin reacts.

SIMON:

Sorry... You're fun to mess with.

Melvin gets up... Simon notices some of his paintings.

MELVIN:

They took your place furnished.

Jackie said she grabbed your

personal stuff -- they were

supposed to set you up here.

(leading the way)

There's this extra room -- I

never use. It gets good light.

No other answer really.

Simon follows.

INT. SIMON'S NEW ROOM - NIGHT

As they enter... the room clean and organized -- a small

but lovely garret.

SIMON:

Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm

me.

MELVIN:

They did a nice job... Cozy, huh?

SIMON:

I love you.

Melvin looks at him finally -- pretensions fall.

MELVIN:

I'll tell you, buddy, I'd be the

luckiest guy alive if that did it

for me.

INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Carol unpacks, she gives gifts to her mother and

Spencer. But clearly something gnaws at her psyche.

INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Melvin's two digital clocks are two minutes apart... each

around 1:
55 a.m... He sits in a chair still fully

dressed... forlorn... Verdell in his lap. A beat then we

hear Simon's whispered voice.

SIMON (O.S.)

Where is my big hairy boy?

Melvin is alarmed. He stops breathing as his gay houseguest

approaches.

SIMON (O.S.)

Verdell, sweeties?

Melvin breathes again. Simon enters the room.

SIMON:

Sorry, didn't know you were awake.

I just thought Verdell shouldn't

get too used to sleeping in here

'cause then...

MELVIN:

Look, we both want the dog --

and...

The PHONE RINGS... they look at each other. Melvin

doesn't move.

SIMON:

Should I get it?

Melvin nods. Simon walks into the next room... several

beats as he finds the phone. We hear him pick it up and:

SIMON (O.S.)

Hello.

ON SIMON:

SIMON:

(into phone)

Hello. It's me. He took me in.

Did you know? Hold on, I'll get

him for you.

He walks back to Melvin's room.

INT. MELVIN'S ROOM - NIGHT

As he enters.

SIMON:

It's Carol.

Melvin is quickly out of his chair -- the dog in one

mitt... he thrusts it at Simon.

MELVIN:

Here. Take the dog.

As he speeds him out...

SIMON:

Good luck.

INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

As Melvin picks up the phone... He clears his throat

loudly. Following is INTERCUT between Carol and Melvin

-- the first such CUT showing Carol blasted by the throat

clearing.

MELVIN:

Hello.

CAROL:

Yeah... Well...

MELVIN:

(very concerned)

How you doing?

CAROL:

I can trust my brain.

MELVIN:

That seems like a good choice.

CAROL:

I don't know whether I'm being

sensible or hard on you.

MELVIN:

The two might go together.

CAROL:

See. There's an example. I don't

know whether you're being cute or

crazy now.

MELVIN:

(what the hell)

Cute.

CAROL:

You don't have to answer

everything I say. Just listen to

me. Okay?

He nods his head, "yes."

CAROL:

It's really something that you're

looking after Simon. And what I

said on the street. That was a

bad thing to say. And it made me

sick to my stomach. It was a bad

thing to say. And I'd be lying if

I didn't say that I enjoyed your

company... but the truth is you do

bother me enormously and I know --

think -- that it's best for me to

not have contact with you because

you're just not ready and you're a

pretty old guy to not be ready...

and I'm too old to ignore that.

But there were extraordinary

kindnesses that did take place.

So thanks for the trips...

She's just broken up with him but she's being nicer than

ever. It's hard to know whether to die or not.

MELVIN:

Okay to say something now?

CAROL:

Go ahead.

MELVIN:

I should've danced with you.

CAROL:

Okay. Good-bye.

MELVIN:

So long.

Carol hangs up. She feels strange. A shoe hasn't dropped.

Oh, hell... she missed him.

INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Melvin walks in anxious circles in the living room. He

is impatient.

MELVIN:

You going to come talk to me or

not?

SIMON:

I'm coming.

We enters the room carrying Verdell who strains to be

allowed closer to Melvin. Simon releases him.

SIMON:

What did she say?

MELVIN:

I'm a great guy --

"extraordinary"...

(before Simon can

celebrate)

... and she doesn't want contact

with me.

(a beat)

I'm dying here.

SIMON:

Because...

(gently)

... you love her?

MELVIN:

(sharply)

No... and you're supposed to be

sensitive and sharp.

SIMON:

Okay... you tell me why --

(mimics him)

"You're dying here."

MELVIN:

I don't know... Let me sleep on it

and figure it out.

(then)

Because I'm stuck! Can't go back

to what I had... She's evicted me

from my life.

SIMON:

Did you like it that much?

MELVIN:

(furiously)

It was better than this... Look,

you, I'm very intelligent. If

you're going to give me advice or

conversation or consolation or

hope, you got to be better than

you're doing. If you can't be at

least momentarily interesting than

shut the hell up. I'm drowning

and you're describing water.

SIMON:

(getting pissed)

Picking on me won't help.

MELVIN:

Well, if that's true then I'm

really in trouble.

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