As Good as It Gets Page #2

SIMON:

Did you... do something to him?

MELVIN:

Do you realize that I work at

him?

SIMON:

(eyes downcast)

No, I didn't.

MELVIN:

Do you like to be interrupt when

you are danging around in your

little garden?

SIMON:

No... actually, I even shut the

phone off and put a little piece

of cardboard in the ringer so no

one can just buzz me from d...

MELVIN:

Well, I work all the time. So

never, never again interrupt me.

Okay? I mean, never. Not 30

years from now... not if there's

fire. Not even if you hear a thud

from inside my home and a week

later there's a smell from in

there that can only come from a

decaying body and you have to hold

a hanky against your face because

the stench is so thick you think

you're going to faint even then

don't come knocking or, if it's

election night and you're excited

and want to celebrate because some

fudge-packer you dated has been

elected the first queer President

of the United States... and he's

going to put you up in Camp David

and you just want to share the

moment with someone... don't knock

... not on this door. Not for

anything. Got me. Sweetheart?

SIMON:

Yes. It's not a subtle point

you're making.

MELVIN:

Okay, then.

Melvin enters his apartment and slams the door shut.

SIMON:

So the theory of confrontations is

that now he'll think twice before

messing with me?

Frank smiles affectionately. Simon turns serious.

SIMON:

He's genuinely upsetting, isn't

he?

FRANK:

Won't worry about it. You go

ahead.

Frank waits till Simon EXITS SCENE and then knocks loudly

on Melvin's door. There is a sharp change in his demeanor.

MELVIN (O.S.)

Oh, I'm pissed!! Now I am really

pissed!!!

Frank waits patiently as Melvin jerks his door back open.

Frank immediately grabs Melvin by his shirt and jerks him

forward... Melvin is scared. Operating on survival mode.

MELVIN:

No touch. No touch. No touch.

FRANK:

You may think you can intimidate

the whole world with your

attitude, but I grew up in Hell.

My grandmother had more attitude.

You don't intimidate me.

MELVIN:

(calling)

Police! Police! F***ing crooked

police... doughnut-munching morons

help me!

(to Frank)

Assault and battery and you're

black.

FRANK:

Shhhh now. I like Simon. I like

him enough to batter you

unrecognizable if you verbally

abuse him or so much as touch his

dog again. Meanwhile, I'll try

and think how you can make this up

to him.

(suddenly loud)

I hate doing this. I'm an art

dealer.

(beat)

Have a nice day. Party!

He tosses Melvin back and walks out. Melvin straightens

his shirt as he steps out into the hall. Frank smiles as

he re-enters the other apartment. Melvin appears

impressed.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET NEAR CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY

A crowded and dirty street and here comes Melvin. His

walk is brisk -- an animal wanting to pass through the

danger without giving off the scent of its mounting fear.

At times he places his palms together and extends his

arms cutting a path through people. We will be very

pointed in the fact that he avoids stepping on cracks.

CLOSER ON MELVIN

His eyes focused on the terrain.

INT. CAROL'S RESTAURANT - DAY

ANGLE ON WAITRESS

CAROL CONNELLY talks with another MOTHER -- a customer.

You would not guess it, but her working hours tend to be

the most carefree time of the day. She is telling a

story about her son for the umpteenth time.

CAROL:

(to the Mother's

little girl)

Look at you, you're all better.

MOTHER:

It's that new medication.

CAROL:

You know all my son's stuff,

right?

The Mother nods too sympathetically that she does, but

Carol interrupts her.

CAROL:

No, no, no, I got a date tonight.

I'm walking out the door this

morning and he says to me, 'Mom,

I promise not to get one of my

fevers or coughs during your

date.'

MOTHER:

Isn't that sweet.

CAROL:

Little blonde angle.

(to child,

affectionately)

Eat everything.

Melvin enters and moves past several empty tables to a

table towards the back and is obviously surprised to find

a MAN and WOMAN sitting at the table.

WOMAN:

It just came out of me. I said

you love me the way a remote

control loves a TV. As long as I

switch every time...

HER MALE COMPANION

Wonderful.

MELVIN:

People who talk in metaphors can

shampoo my crotch.

(on their look)

Eat up.

They turn away -- Melvin walks a few paces to the

waitress station where two waitresses, LISA and CAROL,

are talking.

LISA:

Pay me back next week.

CAROL:

I owe you. I told you today...

them's the rules. Oh, excuse me,

Melvin.

She puts two hands lightly on his waist to move him out

of the way. He gulps at the contact (since no one else

ever touches him) but covers his self-consciousness.

MELVIN:

I'm starving.

CAROL:

(firmly to Lisa)

Will you please take it?

Melvin intentionally moves a step in her path, with

stealth, so that she must touch him again to get him out

of the way...

LISA:

This way you take a cab home so

you have time to get ready for the

date.

CAROL:

"Ready" is not my problem.

She barks a mirthless though hearty laugh. If we could

read Melvin which we can't, we'd see him unsettled by the

date talk. To Carol he is as harmless as furniture.

CAROL:

(to Melvin)

Go sit down. You know you're not

allowed back here... Spencer's

more excited about it than I am...

He says, "Mom, I promise not to

get a fever or couch during your date."

The other WAITRESSES and the SHORT ORDER COOK all go

"awww ."

CAROL:

I know. He's just the best.

MELVIN:

I've got Jews at my table.

CAROL:

It's not your table. It's the

place's table. Behave. This

once, you can sit at someone

else's station.

The two waitresses signal their protests.

CAROL:

Or you can just wait your turn...

Melvin walks back into the restaurant proper... he hangs

near their table... his discomfort builds in this limbo...

then:

MELVIN:

How much more you got to eat?

Your appetite isn't as big as

your noses, is it?

WOMAN:

What?!!

MAN:

(to Woman)

Let's go --

The Woman starts to protest.

MAN:

Let's leave. We're going.

Melvin sits down at the table -- and takes from his

pocket a plastic eating utensil set wrapped and sealed.

As he opens his utensils.

CAROL:

Bryan says he doesn't care how

long you've been coming you ever

act like this again you're barred

for life. I'm gonna miss the

excitement, but I'll handle it.

There is in Carol's attitude toward Melvin some

ingredient of self-satisfaction -- that she is the only

one in the place who can handle him. She starts to clear

the table.

MELVIN:

The table's fine if it had some

cholesterol on it. Two sausages,

six bacon strips, fries, three

eggs over easy and coffee.

CAROL:

You're gonna die soon with that

diet, you know that?

MELVIN:

We're all gonna die soon. I will.

You will. It sure sounds like

your son will.

ON CAROL:

Stunned. Some crazy street-freak has slipped under her

perfect guard and momentarily devastated her. Melvin

senses that he's gone way too far. He wipes his knife.

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