Ashens and the Quest for the Gamechild

Richard.

Ashens.

Well this is the place.

You sure?

Bet my left hairy bollock on it.

Thanks, Richard, that's a mental picture I'll treasure.

Come on.

I'm looking for Iqbal.

Who is looking?

I am.

I don't understand.

We. The two of us. Are looking for Iqbal.

Where is he?

Oh, why didn't you just say so?

No need to get your knickers in a tit.

He's in the back.

Oh, no, you wait here.

Again?!

Why'd you bring me?

You keep an eye on things, yeah?

Fine.

Are you Iqbal?

You know why I'm here?

Your very attractive friend tells me you're in the market for a Q-Mutt 17.

Correct.

Do you even know what that is?

The Q-Mutt 17 is a rip-off of the Dancing Digidog, the most popular Christmas toy of 2002.

It looks exactly the same as the real device, it was a quarter of the price,

and rather than dancing, it simply emitted a series of loud beeps,

and then fell over.

Very impressive.

So, can I see it then?

Yeah. You may.

Well can I see it then?!

Alright mate, calm down!

No need to get your knickers in a tit!

What does that mean?

Don't you worry.

Who's your mama?!

You are! Mummy!

Why does she always need the reassurance?

You guarantee that this is a rip-off Q-Mutt 17?

Course!

Look, do you want it or not? I've got ten buyers lined up, alright?!

This tail is translucent.

So? So what?!

The Q-Mutt 17 had an opaque tail.

This, is a genuine Digidog!

You know nothin'!

Oh, I think I do.

The pain is indescribable!

It's just water, mate. I was thirsty earlier on.

Oh, sorry, I thought 'cause of the whole context, it was horrible chemicals or something.

Oh, I can understand why you thought that, I mean, yeah, definitely tap water.

Not filtered, but it's tap water.

Do you want a towel?

A towel, that'd be great, cheers man, I didn't see that there.

Richard! Richard, he making a run for it!

Cut him off in the alley!

I'm on it!

Sorry! I have to go!

Remember me?

Wait! My Facebook!

Ugh! Not you!

You always were a bit slow, weren't you, Rashens?

Idiot!

You were supposed to head that guy off!

It turns out, that sniveling little turd, Nemesis was behind it all.

I'm in the pub!

Richard?

This is why I work alone!

# Nobody plays the game better,

# But no one could play it much worse.

# You alone know these rules to the letter,

# And they spell out your mission, and curse.

# Obsolete hardware from years ago,

# Finding it all is your aim.

# From thriftstores to eBay to Antique Roadshows,

# Adventure is your favourite game.

# Oh, and Ashens is your name.

# But where will this lead in the end? For no man is an island of tat.

# Perhaps what you need is a friend, could you imagine that?

# Your mission's about to begin, if you don't lose then you might just win.

# We're routing for you, you odd little bearded prat!

# Terrible hardware from years gone by,

# Worthless old relics, you claim.

# There's one left to get now, don't give in and cry.

# Adventure is your favourite game.

# Oh, and Ashens is your name.

# Or, is it Ashen?

# I'm confused about the 'S'.

# Ashen...s.

# Ashen... uh... s.

Hah! Stuart!

Stuart!

Sorry, do I know you?

It's me.

It's Chef.

Chef... What?

Oh my God... Geoff?

Geoffrey Excellence?

I didn't recognise you!

Yeah...

I didn't know you were back in town, and dressed as a chef.

But I am a chef!

I'm Chef Excellence.

Oh yeah! You're the mascot for that uh, Kid's food line, weren't you?

Yeah... Did you ever see any of my stuff?

A bowl for you... Oh yes, and obviously one for you, honey.

There you go, kiddies.

What's wrong? Why you not eat food?

Good kiddies, eat your food!

If you do not, then Chef will be pretty sad.

And when Chef gets sad.

Chef get angry.

Chef get angry!

Angry! He gets so angry!!!

Eat your food, kids! Eat it all up!!!

Eat your food, please. For Chef.

Very, very angry! Eat your food! Eat your food.

Yeah, alright mate, calm down.

I'm going to grab a bite to eat, so it was lovely to see you again... Yeah?

I know a great place.

Fine.

When did you move back?

A few months ago, I lost my job.

If you lost your job, why are you dressed as a chef?

I'll always be a chef. A true chef, is a chef regardless of his employment status.

Fair enough.

I loved that job. I had a company car in the shape of a baguette.

The ladies loved it.

Then they went and replaced me with...

Ooh... Calm down, there. You were the Ronald McDonald of cheap italian food. I get it.

Oh right, Stuart!

I've seen the stuff you do on YouTube you know.

Reviewing bits of tat on a brown sofa.

It's not exactly The Matrix, is it?

Maybe the Third one...

See, Geoff?

This is exactly why we don't-

Look um, it's getting late, I've got loads of stuff to do. Nice to see you again.

Are you going? I mean... w-w-w... Do you live around here?

Umm... Yeah, yeah, just up near the park.

Anyway, see you later.

Geoff?

Hey!

How's it going?

You don't have anywhere to sleep, do you?

What?!

Please can I stay with you?

Uhh... I'm not really a "come and stay on my sofa" kind of guy.

Oh, come on Stuart!

Please, just for old times sake. Please!

Ple-ple-ple-ple-ple-please! Please!!!

Please let me stay with you!!!

Okay! Okay, but it's just for one night, yeah?

Just for one night. Just one night.

Come on.

I have one question.

Why were you there, when you had that right next to you?

Don't judge me!

Come on! Come on, you're letting all the heat out.

There's heat?!

I'll give you the tour.

This is the living room.

Wow! You sure do have a lot of crap.

Yes, I do!

Don't touch anything though, I like things a particular way.

You won't even notice I'm here.

Good.

Come on, I'll show you the rest of the house.

Okay, sink's here. There's the cooker. That's the fridge, obviously.

Dining room is through here.

You've seen the living room of course.

What's in here?

That's just a room I use for storage, don't worry about that.

Oh... It's locked.

Can I have a look?

Oh no, no I just remembered I've lost the key.

Let's get you sorted-

Why is it locked?

Just leave it alone! You're going to damage something.

There's no reason for you to go in there.

C'mon Stu, why is this locked?!!

Oh, wow!

No! Don't go down there!

Come on, Geoff!

Hello?

Yeah, hi. It's Stuart from next door.

Could you keep it down a bit please? I've got somebody over.

Oh, sorry, I must have got carried away.

Yeah, thanks, bye.

It's my neighbour. He's a bit of a weirdo.

Some kind of improvisational jazz musician or something.

You never see him without his costume on.

Weirdo.

Come on, Geoff. Nobody is allowed in here.

What is all this stuff, is this all the tat you've reviewed?

No. No. This is something... Different.

What is it?

There's something you don't know about me,

something very few people know.

I'm a collector.

I collect very rare, but absolutely worthless collectibles.

That's so cool!

What's this?

It's nothing!

What is it?

Look, it's a long and boring story, and I'm tired.

Come on, Stu.

What's the Game Child?

It's the one thing I have always desired, and never gotten hold of.

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