Ass Backwards

Mmm.

Oh, breathe that in.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Mornings in New York.

Got to tell you.

It's another gorgeous day.

Oh, I never get sick of

Mother Nature.

It's just so lush here.

I never understand why people

say it's so hard to live in

Manhattan.

I know!

Oh, spoke too soon.

Let's go over.

Hello, sir.

It's a pleasure to meet your

acquaintance.

I'm Kate.

And I'm Chloe.

Kate me, Chloe her.

Kate and Chloe.

Okay?

We've got some things for

you.

Yeah, buy one more and get a

medium frozen yogurt on me.

And this is a 12-hour energy

shot.

It just lets you keep your

sparkle.

Yeah.

All right?

Oh, well, thank you!

Honestly. It's who we are.

Thank you.

[ Effeminately ] Why don't

you go just put a f***ing animal

inside yourself and call

yourself a f*** party, 'cause

that's what the government's

doing to all of us.

Thank you. Have a great day.

Bye!

Thank you.

I got energy!

I got energy!

He's in a tough spot.

Homeless and battling sexual

identity?

That's a tricky combo.

And one I respect.

Absolutely.

Nice guy, too.

Oh, lovely.

B*tches!

I don't want to waste

anyone's time today.

There are a lot of people who

work in my industry who are

gonna make you promises that

they really can't keep.

But I feel I should tell you

that I've got a lot of other

couples who are banging down my

door, trying to do business with

these ovaries.

In fact, my eggs are some of the

finest that you will find in

Manhattan.

And right now... today... they

are ripe for the picking.

Ma'am, you cannot conduct

your meetings here any longer.

You can't sit here all day

without ordering a coffee.

This is my good friend,

Seth.

Listen.

I didn't hear a "no" from you

guys, so I'm gonna go ahead and

take that as a maybe.

And remember... Kate Fenner,

C.E.O. Of Fenner enterprises,

egg donor to the stars!

That's craigslist for you.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay. You must knock.

I cannot do what I need to do

out there if things are crazy in

here.

We're at places.

Thank you, places.

This...

[ Whispering ]

[ Mid-tempo dance music plays ]

New York City!

Stop!

[ Horns honking ]

Morning, sparkle. Morning, special lady.

[ Water bed gurgles ]

Whoa! Whee! Whee!

Okay, time for our horoscopes.

Yeah, what's mine say?

Uh-oh. Chloe? Hmm?

Is that what I think it is?

It's from the pageant.

[ Water gurgles ]

"The town of Neptune invites you...

Anniversary beauty pageant"?

[ Both laugh ] Um... Um...

No, thanks. I'm all set.

I'm good here. I'm okay, thank you, sir.

Oh, my God, when we tell Laurel

about this tonight, she's gonna die!

She's gonna be dead.

[ Sighs ] Thanks, but no spanks.

We're not going.

Yeah, we're not going, and

that's the end of the discussion.

So, the 50th anniversary... they're

just inviting everybody back to compete.

Wow. This is...

Really something.

I can't remember the last time I

thought of our pageant days. Oh.

Pssh! I haven't

thought about that in ages.

Little Kate, when you grow up, do you want

to be a mommy who enters the workforce or a

mommy who stays home? Um... Well,

can you maybe repeat the question?

When you're a mommy, do you want to enter

the workforce, or do you want to stay home?

Workplaces are where people work.

Are you a moron, kid?

[ Audience laughs ]

Such fun times. Here she is, singing

the song Tammy Wynette made famous.

Take it away, little Chloe! [ Audience

applauds ] [ Microphone feedback buzzes ]

[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand

by your man ? give him two arms

to cling to ? Jesus, kid, you're

blowing everybody's eardrums out.

Back off the Mike!

[ Loudly and off-key ] ? stand by

your man ? and tell the world...

[ audience boos ] All right.

Come on. That's enough.

How about some Mike technique, huh?

[ Booing continues ]

Those were the days.

It's little Megan! [ Audience applauds

] Spent four hours on that hair,

such a patient girl. And now the

moment you've all been waiting for.

Please give a big round of applause

to Neptune's newest little li'l,

little miss Laurel. [ Audience applauds

] ? I can dream about you ?

Little Laurel... it's her second win in this category.

This girl is just a winner.

Don't cry. I thought you

were really good out there.

I loved your answer. And you

really do have the voice of an angel.

Well, your answer wasn't easy, and

that scares people. [ Sighs ]

Honestly, Chloe, even if we did want to go, I

don't think we'd be able to find the time.

Okay, who has the time with our

careers blowing up the way they are?

And so, yes, up until then, my entire life

had been about winning... winning the crown,

winning the modeling contract, winning the husband.

But what I would soon learn is

that helping others would be my

greatest win of all. Wow.

Okay. Wow! That's...

Yes! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Shh!

The proceeds from today's sales will

go to Laurel's ladies, my charity,

which gives makeover to low-income gals so

that they can have the opportunity to look

like me... If only for one day.

Thank you, Laurel.

Wow! Thank you, Laurel!

People, get up!

You are such an inspiration. I'm a huge fan.

Okay, she gets it!

You're embarrassing yourself. Book, please.

Who am I making it out to?

Good one, Laurel! If you haven't bought

a book, I'm gonna have to ask you to...

silly goose. It's Kate and Chloe.

Kate and Chloe?

Kate me, Chloe her. Kate and Chloe.

ThaKate and Chloe, from my

pageant days? There she is.

She's on the page.

Yes, of course. I want you to know that

both of you have been in my prayers all

these years. Coming in dead

last couldn't have been easy.

Well, you know, that was then, and this is now.

So, I'd say we're doing pretty

good. Not too shabby.

Now, if we can let the

paying customers in, shall we? Yes, we should.

Guys, keep a single file,

okay? She does not have

all day, so, in and out.

Have your books ready. I'm

actually headed to Neptune next weekend.

They asked me to... compete

in the anniversary pageant?

Yeah, we got an invite, too. No,

they asked me to be a celebrity judge.

Can you even stand it? What have the two

of you been up to since the circuit?

[ Sighing ] Oh, God. Chloe, I know

for sure you haven't been doing anything

creative. Talent was never

really your thing, was it?

You know what, actually, Laurel?

Chloe's been performing every

single night for crowds of about 500-plus.

Well, you do.

Wow! That's really surprising.

What about you, Kate?

If times serve me, you weren't the

brightest bulb in the light shop.

Okay, Kate works in the medical profession now.

Got to have big-time brains for

that. What do you specialize in?

You know, I don't have a

medical degree, per se...

she's an egg donor. Yeah.

But she's got big dreams of managing other

girls' eggs when she inevitably ages out of the

field. That's long-term stuff,

but it's gonna be exciting.

I love the way the two of you aren't

embarrassed about where you are in life.

Thank you. Listen. If

you two need any help from

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