Ass Backwards Page #2

Laurel's ladies, you'd

certainly qualify. So...

Bye, Cheryl. Bye, faith.

Thank you.

I don't think Laurel got the full picture

of where we are. How could she have?

She only got a snapshot. I mean, I

don't want to go back to the pageant.

No, thanks, right? The only reason I

could even think of to go is to just get

some much-needed vacation time for you and me.

Yeah, we barely get to see

each other. I mean, look.

We don't need to go back for

ourselves. That's clear. I

mean, we could go back for

the other girls, you know? Sort

of raise the bar, so to speak?

Elevate the proceedings? Yeah.

I mean, not that it matters.

'Cause it doesn't. Okay,

but if we did go back there...

Both:
We would win. [ Introduction

to aha's "take on me" plays ]

[ Horn honking ]

? Take on me [ Cd skipping

] ? take on me ? take on me

? take on me ? take me on-on-on-on-on

? I'll be-be-be-be-be gone

in a day or two-two-two-two-two-two

two-two-two-two-two ?

Bye-bye, Manhattan!

Until we meet again!

You know, it's great to be completely untethered.

Unfettered, with only our

most prized possessions on our backs.

I got to say.

I'm glad we got evicted. Oh,

I'm loving this. Confession?

What's up? I'm starting to feel a

little bit badly about our competitors.

I know. They have no chance. Should we pray for them?

I have already been sending

prayers up to the big guy all morning.

You got to surrender it, you

know? Just throw it up

and then give it to him.

You know? It's hard for them, because

you are gonna kill the q&a portion.

I know. And you're obviously

gonna destroy on talent.

It's just hard, 'cause they're nice.

Oh, they're so sweet.

If they weren't nice, it would

be different. So sweet.

You are off course. Please turn around.

Please go in northern

direction. No, I want British Richard.

Let me give you a hand,

'cause I need these babies to stay pristine.

Thank you, Chloe, but I need

to learn to work with these tips.

These are the face of my

business. You got to look

the part to play the game.

That's just that. [ British

accent ] Calculating roads.

Starting navigation. Wow, that voice.

He is hot. Gorgeous.

I'll direct you to Neptune, Canada.

I feel like he's someone you

could trust.

Yeah, Richard's a good man.

Baby girl? Hey. You okay?

I'm okay.

Just it comes in waves. Listen.

I don't want you to think that

in the midst of all this craziness of today

that I've forgotten it's a really hard

anniversary for you.

It's a tough day. Yeah!

I mean, how long has it been since you

and Stephen broke up? It's about 9...

91/2 years. Very fresh.

Like yesterday.

Yeah. Oh. [ Exhales deeply ]

Okay, that's doing something. Good.

Good! It might be too soon for me to

make a call, but I got a pretty good

feeling he's circling back any day now.

Yeah? Yes!

He is, isn't he?

Yeah! He is. He's coming back.

He's coming back!

Yes, he is! He's coming back! I know he is.

Per Richard, we have got a

very long drive ahead of us to Neptune.

So, that means no stops that

aren't absolutely necessary, okay?

We stop to eat and pee.

Right. And I say

we don't even do that.

No matter what, the end. Perfect.

I like candy when I can get

it. There's an exit!

There's an exit!

Get off! [ Tires screech ]

Chloe, we need this.

This place is a gold mine. Oh, my God,

Kate, that girl looks just like you.

She looks like she could be your daughter.

Oh, my God, Chloe.

That is hilarious. She's like my mini-me.

She could be your egg baby.

Ever wonder how many you have

running around out there? Mama.

Huh. This. And that one. Good.

I'm sorry, but do you have

another card? What?

It's probably just the strip.

You know what? Actually... I got one.

I got another one.

Why don't you try 9723?

Yeah. [ Beeping ]

No dice. What? That's craziness.

I am shocked right now.

You know what? Let's not mess around.

Bring out the big guns... 8765.

No more fooling.

Yeah. No.

Do you want to try 6439?

No. No, she's no good.

That shabby chic sale at target

totally did her up. 6253?

Are you on crack? Okay, she bottomed out

when we morphed our faces with celebs'

to see what our babies

would look like. 8765?

No. We drained her on the Nigerian

prince who e-mailed us about all

that trouble he had getting home. Kate...

That's the last of our

girls. All right. I am

going to call credit-card

companies. Lady Einstein's

got to figure this one out.

Sh*t. Chloe? It went buh-nuh-nuh-nuh.

I can't believe you went

buh-nuh-nuh-nuh at a time like this.

Give me your phone.

My phone's out of juice 'cause I left the

charger behind in order to make more room

for... your scrapbooks, right.

Um... Do you have cash?

Cash. Now, how would that work?

All right, okay.

We just need to figure out a way

to, like, live. [ Gasps ]

Look! A little, old bunny.

Can we keep him?!

Please! Chloe, we're not

keeping a wild animal.

That's insane. So, we just leave...

Andrew out here to die, in this foreign

wilderness? We do not

need a pet right now.

We need cash. I'll

take amazing care of him.

Chloe... [ Sighs ] ...You

honestly think that being

responsible for another life is what we need right now?

Actually, being responsible for

another life could be exactly what we need right now.

Yay! We're parents!

[ Cellphone ringing ] Ahoy!

Hi, dad.

Hey, Bruce. What can I

do for you girls? Listen.

Kate and I are in a little bit of a pickle, and

we could use some help... specifically, some

sweet cash money. [ Receiver

clicking ] oh, sh*t balls!

Bruce? I bet he's out on the yacht.

He gets, like, no service.

[ Sighs ] Chloe... Isn't

his house on the way to

Neptune? Yeah, it is.

Let's surprise him.

He just moved to this new, fatty condo in

this, like, super-exclusive gated community.

We stay the night in the lap of luxury,

which we deserve after all this driving.

He gives us money, which he loves to do.

We're back on the road in the

morning. Refreshed,

refueled, refinanced!

Careful. You want me to?

No, okay. Here.

Yeah, but... It's really tight with

the whole family in here together.

No, one more time. Try this way.

I'm really starting to

understand why people don't use these anymore.

It just doesn't make sense.

? All these people talkin' 'bout you

now ? ? they don't make no difference,

no ? thank you.

Both:
One, two, three.

Mmm... [ Both mumbling ]

one, two, three...

Both:
Juice. Juice?

I said, "Jews."

One, two, three... Both: Basketball.

Wow. That was weird.

We are, like, so on the same

page sometimes. Damn it!

? All night long, believe

me ? ? let that beat

control your body ? ? you and

me ? there's no one watching

? come on

? we can rock this party

'mones. My hormones. Wow!

I guess I never knew you gave them to yourself like that.

Oh, yeah, every 12 hours.

These eggs don't cook themselves.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh. [ G.P.S. Beeping

] everything okay?

Uh... Changing destination.

Yes, totally.

Just, um, appears that we may have driven a

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