Ass Backwards Page #3

hop, skip, and a jump in the wrong direction.

For some reason, Richard is thinking

we're going to Neptune, Canada.

Why would Richard think that? I don't know

if these tips plugged in the wrong address by

accident. [ Groans

] better not have.

Well, how long have we been

driving in the wrong direction for?

Well, just like... Just like

all of today. [ Groans ]

Are you mad? No. [

Laughing ] of course not.

Einstein couldn't cook a can of soup,

and you are exactly the same way.

Thank you, Chloe. Okay. Yes.

We are making tracks

starting... Right now. Yay!

[ Horn honks ]

Hey! Oh, look out, buddy.

[ Dog barking in distance ] Garden.

The terrace seems sort of dim.

Where's the... [ Door opens

] [ Insects chirping ]

Dad? Chloe? This

is your dad's new condo?

Oh, boy. Hup, hup! Oh!

Okay.

Good night, moneybags.

Good night, Bruce. Oh.

What? Whoop! Good night, stinker.

Good night, dad.

I love you, girls. Love you, too.

Love you, dad.

Don't let them bite! [ Women

scream, laugh ] good night.

Good night! Oh, my God.

Can you believe him?

I honestly... oh! Okay.

I can't believe that...

oh. Oop. Bruce, do you

need a hand with that?

Dad?

Whew! I mean, I don't understand.

He was always offering us money

in those rare cases of emergency.

Like when we needed your

business cards printed. When we needed

those publicity stills taken of you.

Obviously, the water bed. This doesn't feel great.

These are a lot of... Feelings.

Yep. I don't like this.

I don't like this one bit.

Okay. Let's play a fun game. Let's

pretend that we never came here.

No, come on. We're just at home, and

we're watching some of our favorite

programs. Let him you know that

you love him and that you support

him, okay? I'm not going to rehab!

Brian, you got two choices-

recovery or death, and I promise

you, it's gonna be one or the other.

Brian had such a sparkle when he was younger.

Can you believe it got so bad?

Actually, Chloe, I can. He was addicted to meth and sex.

It's a very tricky combination

for someone. Another Ambien?

Yes, thank you.

Both:
Boop! That's all you have

to do s say yes, and we're extending

all of our hands to help you. Um... Before

I go, I want to smoke this 20 bag I have.

If that's what it's gonna take to

get you down there, then that's okay.

All right, I'll go, man! Oh, my God!

He's going! Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God. See? I told you.

Rehabilitation always cheers us

up. I feel so much better, and,

Brian, sweet boy, you're in our

prayers tonight big-time. Here, here!

[ Microwave beeping ]

Sleep okay, dad? Like a king.

I don't think that's plugged

into anything. Wish I could spend more

time with you gals, but it's the busy

part of my season. I'm selling

gold nuggets on ebay.

I can't believe nobody's ever thought of it.

I misspell the word "nugget" on

the website. I'm sorry. Come again.

I leave the "g" out of the

word "nugget." This way, I get all the

traffic from the people that don't know

how to spell. I figured, I didn't know

how to spell it, so you bet your ass

there's a lot of people that don't

know how to spell it, either.

I mean, it's a surefire way to make money.

I mean, I have to...

I had to sell the mall kiosk,

unfortunately. Oh, no.

It turns out people, they don't want to

buy hats that are made specifically to wear

backwards. They'd rather just buy a

regular hat, you know, turn it around.

Pfft! Right! You win some.

You lose some.

The money will come rolling in soon.

I guess I was hoping maybe

you'd be gearing up for... Retirement soon?

No, I can't retire.

Having a daughter's too expensive, especially

if she's got a friend who's got a taste

for sharper image. [ Laughs ]

I'm just kidding with you,

Katie. [ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna help you guys.

You know what? No, no. If

there was ever an emergency,

this is it. I'm gonna get the two

of you to that pageant double-time.

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna get you some

of my credit cards. [ Hair dryer whirring ]

Okay, you know what, dad?

I'm... we're okay. Really?

We'll be fine. We're gonna

get there, anyway. So...

See, Chloe? It's not our fault.

Of course we thought he was

doing well.

[ Engine turns over ]

Okay, all right. Clearly, we got a little

bit too comfortable, but, honestly, that

stops today, Chloe. Enough is enough, and

this may have been a wake-up call for us.

We're very big girls, and we are going

to get to that pageant on our own steam.

And if all else fails, we can always fall

back on our real-estate investment property.

No! Chloe, we never

sell that real estate.

You know that.

We bought that property 10 years ago.

It's for our retirement, not to

get us out of a tough spot. It's where number

one and number one are gonna head when

we close up shop. Sheesh.

Thank God I'm here.

Otherwise, you'd sell that... [ Voice breaking ] Wait.

I'm, like, feeling some more

feelings... Big feelings.

Again?

[ Moans ] All right, okay.

Sh*t.

All right, Chloe, let's just start a

sing-along, and we can distract ourselves.

? Oh-oh-oh no, no. I

think I need to talk to

someone. Oh. Okay, shoot.

No, like, a... Therapist? Well, I

mean, I do work in the medical field.

Go on, Ms. west. So, after the

powder-puff game, when Stephen said, "let's

break up," it came as a

total shock to me. Mmm.

Because for starters, and this is really

bringing some stuff up right now, we were both

in "the sound of music." I mean, he was...

[ Girl laughs ]

...we'd just gotten back from the youth-group

ski trip, where he told me liked me on the lift,

and then he fingered me for the first time.

It's not so much that it hurt...

can I stop you for one second, Chloe?

I love where you're going with

this, by the way. I think

it's the right direction.

I just think it's gonna be important for you

to remember that you have a really special

friend in Kate. Speaking of her,

she sounds like a great gal.

She is. Honestly, sometimes

I wish she could see you.

Love to meet her. She's wonderful.

You know, let's get back to

Stephen, 'cause there's so much stuff to unpack there.

For instance, the look on his

face when he sees me with that crown on my head.

But why are we assuming that

you'll win? Oh, I mean, both me and Kate.

We'll both win.

Won't we? Actually, I've

never thought about it before.

I don't know that both you and Kate can win.

What are you saying?

I don't know. I think

that only one of us can win.

So, one of us will win, and on of us...

Will lose?

[ Horn honks ] [ Both scream

] [ Screaming continues ]

[ Both panting ]

[ Steam hissing ]

Listen. I'm starting to feel like

this pageant was a real piss-poor

idea. Why should we even go? I

don't want to win if it means

you'll lose. I couldn't bear a

second of success without you.

I feel the same exact way. You know what?

We are not going, and that's it.

You know what? That's it. We're not going.

We're gonna hitchhike our way

back to New York, and we'll stay with friends.

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