Ass Backwards Page #4

Or new friends that we meet

until we find a place. We

are not going. Nope.

I'm not going. See, what I hate

about this is putting our young, supple

bodies on parade on the open road.

If we hitchhike, we have to

be prepared for what everyone's gonna want.

[ Sighs ]

Like, when do we get some peace, people?!

Leave us alone.

Whoa.

Ha-cha-cha. Mama Mia.

Who is that dark knight?

? Dime-store diamond ? dime-store

diamond you little ladies need some

help? I'll send our

resident mechanic out here.

She'll fix your van up in no time.

Where exactly do you live?

In a safe haven, where the fraudulent

chains of patriarchy don't bind you.

Aah! ? dime-store

diamond [ Insects chirping ]

That was amazing. All right.

You all right there, Chloe?

I'm okay. Okay, just...

I'm okay.

Ah, the classics.

Oh! Ah. Neat.

Good for her. Hey, come on in!

Come on in. There they are.

Sit right down here. Thank you.

Looks delicious.

Wow. Well, take and pass along.

Who has the salt and pepper?

So, where were you women headed when I picked you up?

Well, we are headed back home

to New York City. We were originally

headed to compete in this beauty pageant.

Beauty pageant? The very same men who

would put women up on a stage to degrade

and judge them are the very same men

we wear these whistles in protest of.

I was admiring those. The moment a

man is sighted... or, as we call them,

rapists... the whistle is sounded.

It should be.

And punishment is duly administered.

I never thought of it like

that. Ah, we live in a world very

far removed from the competition

of beauty pageants. Here, we don't

compete against other women.

We share our talents together. We share everything.

Now, let's bow our heads in

pagan prayer. You know what

they're really saying, don't you?

Yeah, they're not coming out

with it, but the message is clear.

...keep our sisterhood safe.

They want us to go to that pageant.

Yep. And we're going. ...This

place, where there is only love...

I love you, sister. ...Friendship...

I love you, too, sister.

[ Drum beating ] Oh-ah!

Oh-ah! Oh-ah! Oh-ah!

[ Chanting ] Haaaa! [ Roars ]

Damn! Wow! Whoo!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go! Wow! God.

Who will lend a talent now? Ooh, Chloe will.

Chloe will. Oh, no, not tonight.

She's being so modest, you guys.

And all of you will be able to

say you knew her when, because Chloe

here is about to blow up any second.

[ Groans ] Go out there!

Okay, okay.

Chloe, Chloe! I will be performing

a piece by en vogue, entitled

"my lovin'" or

"you're never gonna get it."

[ Whispering ] ? you're never

gonna get my lovin' ?

? never gonna get my lovin' ? I remember how

it used to be ? you never were this nice

? maybe next time... What did

I tell you guys? Is she a star?

[ Monotone ] And now it's time

for a breakdown. [ Whispering ]

? Never gonna get it ? never gonna

get it [ Insects chirping ]

[ Light applause ] Not too shabby.

So nice to have young blood

here. Yeah. Sister

solstice is gonna go the

way of the dodo bird unless we find

another way to market it to young people.

I mean... Oh, my God, that's so sad.

[ Gasps ]

I'm sorry. You guys, everybody here

knows that Kate is, like, a hugely

high-powered c.E.O, right? I

don't like to talk about it.

No, no, no. Kate could help you guys

come up with a new business plan in her

sleep. Kate, would you get

up there and do what you do?

Help them. Go! Kate!

Because I like you guys.

Because I like you guys. Kate!

All right, all right.

Um... [ Clears throat ] Okay.

Let me think. Let me think. Um...

Okay, so you need younger

members. That's the problem.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, we can do that. So, what do you do?

What do you do? What do you do?

You could go to another country, and you

round up... you round up a bunch of women.

So, you fly them over here. No, I'm

so sorry, actually. You don't.

Because part of a successful business

plan is keeping the costs low.

So, you put them in a bunch of big boats.

You really just stuff them in

there. Then, they have a

nice, cozy ride over here.

And then, voil, they're here. They work the land

by day, and at night, maybe they develop new

types of music. They become very popular.

And, eventually, everyone wants

to be just like them. [ Light

applause ] [ Insects chirping ]

You're welcome. That one was free of charge.

Not the next time.

Ooh! [ Clears throat

] Anytime, you guys.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Knock on door ] Knock, knock, knock.

Come in!

Ooh! [ Chuckles ]

Well, your van's ready.

So, you'll be all set in the morning.

Oh, thank you so much.

Listen. We don't have

any money just right...

oh, stop! Your money's no good here.

You know, it's been so nice

having you both here. Night-night.

Night-night!

[ Chuckles ] [

Door closes ] Wow.

There it was. Oh, God.

I'm no dummy.

Vans for free? Nothing in

this life is for free, Chloe.

Looks like it's time to pay the Piper.

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman snoring ]

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Whistle blows ] Rape!

Aah! Oh, my God!

[ Women screaming ] Come on! Go, go, go, go!

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Rifle fires ] Aaahhhhh!

I don't understand. Why are they so upset?

Qwen was asking for it.

She should have said, "thank

you." Right! I mean, right?

I don't know. I guess maybe there's

a possibility that they didn't

like us like that. There

was a remote possibility.

I mean, look. Even if we weren't quite

their cup of tea, they had no right to

treat us like we're animals. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no, no, no! What?!

Andrew!

Oh, my God! Who's Andrew?!

Save our bunny! What

happened to him? Um...

He... Well...

It's so terrible.

We saved him from the wild. He was...

And then, he wouldn't eat or

drink. He, like, refused to get

out of the back of the van.

It can get really pricey if we have to perform surgery.

[ Voice breaking ] There is

not a price we could put on the

life of our pet! All right.

I can't believe we almost killed sweet,

little Andrew. We almost raped qwen.

We...

she practically begged us.

[ Sighs ] Wish we could

get on the road. Yeah.

Let's get to stepping here.

Magic waits for no man... Or beast.

[ Snickers ] Hey... So...

Since it doesn't matter who

wins... and don't take this

the wrong way. Never.

If you were to, say, hunker down, really just

kind of refine anything before we get there...

and don't take this the wrong way.

Chloe, I couldn't.

I would give a little more thought to the q&a

portion, simply based on the proposal you

outlined for the sisters. I just feel like

sometimes you have so many brilliant ideas...

and don't take this the wrong way.

Mnh-mnh!

That sometimes it comes off like you don't

have a clue what you're talking about.

Hmm... You know, what you saw

with the sisters, that was idle

chit-chat. Okay. Yeah,

because when I get to

the pageant, I'm gonna be blowing it out.

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