Ass Backwards Page #5

Totally!

Totally. And the only reason I said

anything is because it doesn't

matter who wins.

Right.

Since it doesn't matter who wins... oh, you know what?

I don't want you to get upset.

Shan't. Well, I do feel I need

to tell you, as your best friend...

I don't want you to get upset, but I think

you may want to work on the singing a little

bit. I'm just not sure that it's

totally as in the bag as you

think it is. How do you mean?

Well, I don't want you to get

upset because I think that you have

such a beautiful voice. Thank you.

But I don't know if it's all that time you spent

in the box or what, but I think it's gonna

be super-important day of that... We hear it.

Your voice, that is.

Well, I was conserving for

the pageant, so... Ahh!

Well, that makes sense.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Thanks. Hello, ladies.

Andrew...

Is recovering nicely. Oh!

Oh, praise to j.C.!

Oh! Oh! 2,000 bones?!

Are you kidding me?

Kate, we got to sell that real estate, okay?

How else are we gonna get Andrew

out and get to the pageant? Chloe Elizabeth

west, I have told you a million times, we do

not touch that real estate.

You know that. Okay.

Well, beyond selling our most prized possessions,

I have no idea how we're gonna get there.

Stuffed bears and dogs, hot-lips phone,

cheap China figures, cassettes, dishes,

"babysitter club" books. You

brought a lot of stuff. Wow!

Is this everything? Everything

but my scrapbooks. They stay.

Oh. I mean, scrappies or no,

we are about to make a mint.

Got some pretty nice pieces. All right, sweet

baby dolls, I totaled up all your trinkets,

and I can give you all... $40 even for it.

I'm sorry.

That can't be right. I've spent

thousands of dollars on my things.

Your numbers are way off. Well, puddin',

I can't tell you what you spent on it.

I can only tell you what it's worth... $40.

This sh*t is her life.

This is her entire universe. So, I guess I'm

just to infer that this person standing beside

me is worth $40? Mm-hmm.

No.

You're not making this easier. $40, sweet peas.

Take her or leave her.

Wait, Kate. Which prized

possessions did you bring?

Maybe they can sweeten the pot. Oh.

Yes. Right. But what's in it?

Do you mean, besides my hormones?

What's your prized

possession? Right. But what are we selling?

That's all you brought on a

road trip, sugar? [ Sighs

] Just give it to me.

Bye. I'm gonna pray on them girls.

Pray on them hard.

She made it seem like we don't have

anything, but I don't think that's true.

Me neither. We have a lot

of stuff, Chloe. Yeah.

Like what?

[ Insects chirping ] Poor, little Andrew!

This place is so depressing.

Ugh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! My

leg, my leg, my leg, my leg,

my leg! Chloe? There.

It's okay, Andrew.

Okay.

This is a really nice motel. Oh, yeah.

I don't mind this.

I mean, so what if we couldn't

afford a room? Totally.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Yawns ]

We'll be okay, right? At the pageant?

Yeah!

I mean, definitely. [ Insects

chirping ] I mean, we've come so far,

right? Have we? I mean,

I thought so, but...

Yeah, me too.

? I got my party dress on ? I

got my shoes that get me gone ?

? and if you want... Chloe.

Spring break.

Must be nice. Got to go.

Yeah.

Let's go! Having fun.

? it's been a day

excuse me, young lads. A

lady is present. Thank you.

? I'm doing okay ? 'cause

if it dumps, I bump it back

and bump it back till

it's play ? hi.

Hello. ? something

feeling good is money ?

? I got my party dress on ? I

got my shoes that get me gone ?

? and if you want, you come

along ? ? I got... I got...

[ laughs ] ? I got my

party dress on ? I got my shoes

that get me gone ? cute suits.

Hey, ladies, you're blocking

our sun. What are you

guys even doing here?

Yeah, this isn't a sexiest geek convention.

You guys are, like, just so,

just... Old. [ Laughs ]

? I got my shoes that get

me gone ? ? and if you want,

you come along ? ? I got

...I got [ Laughs ]

Yeah.

You know, I feel like those

girls must have been on something.

I mean, the kids these days. They're so

hopped up, they don't know what's going on.

[ Gasps ] Katherine

Maxine Fenner, look. $500!

That's enough to get us all the way there!

"Amateur nite."

Chloe, it must be a karaoke contest!

Your sign called for

amateurs, which so clearly implies

youth, which we have in spades.

Fine. Whatever. Who cares? Who's

dancing first, "blue eyes" or "big tits"?

Oh. [ Audience cheers ]

All right, everyone, give it

up for Mercedes benz. That's

the way she likes it, fellas.

Suck it! Now, welcome to the

stage two new girls, blue eyes and

big tits! Nice to meet you.

Hi. Kate Fenner.

Fenner enterprises. Nice to meet you.

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

? Please believe... ? Barry?

Boost up the music.

[ Music gets louder ] ? 'cause I'm the

boy, baby ? ? yo, 'cause I'm the boy ?

Do something! ? ...On the street

? ? 'cause I'm the boy, baby ?

? 'cause I'm the, 'cause

I'm the ? 'cause I'm the ?

[ Light applause, cheers ] [ Audience

hoots ] [ Audience applauds ]

[ Audience cheers, whistles ]

Oh-oh-oh!

Yeah! There you go.

There's something... crawling.

Right? We like crawling.

[ Cheering continues ]

? 'Cause I'm the boy, baby ? ?

'cause I'm the boy, baby ? ow!

Ow! [ Gagging ]

You're choking her.

You're choking her. ? 'cause I'm

the boy, baby ? 'cause I'm the ?

'Cause I'm the ? whoo!

? 'Cause I'm the boy, baby ? ? 'cause I'm the

boy, baby ? ? 'cause I'm the boy, baby ?

Enough of the Beyonc sh*t.

Take something off!

That ain't legal. We're

gonna lose our license again.

[ Cheering continues ]

Thank you very much.

If you hadn't taken your pants off,

we'd be on the way to the pageant by now.

How was I to know that it was merely a topless bar?

And, by the way, I had to do

something out there. I turn around.

The next thing I know you're

shaking your tatties everywhere. And the people loved it!

Don't fight, pretty ladies.

Is that... No. Brian

from rehabilitation?

A meth addict with a heart of gold!

Just a splash of sex

addiction. Well, who

could blame him for that?

Comes with the territory. All right.

Okay. Honestly, Chloe, just try to be

cool in front of him, because celebs really

don't like you to drool all over them.

You, too, okay? Just remember... Brian

and I are titans of the same industry.

We're both stars. May we join you?

Is anybody sitting here?

No. Okay. Um... Hi.

I'm Kate fenner.

Hey, I'm Brian. I know who you are.

Can I just say, you're just as

good-looking as you are on TV, and I know that

sometimes that doesn't happen with everyone.

So... I'm Chloe. Hi.

[ Laughs ] Yeah, so, I keep getting

picked up by the cops for sh*t I

didn't do. God! How

dare they persecute you,

Brian, when the entire world saw you get clean.

Small town, small-minded

people. Yeah, I'm a sex

addict, not a sex offender.

Exactly! Two different things.

Brian hickman?

That's me! So nice meeting you.

You too.

Oh! [ Breathing

heavily ] Oh!

Kate fenner and Chloe west. Thank

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