Ass Backwards Page #6

you so much, officer Fitzgerald.

I've got good news and bad news.

The bad news is, your car's been

impounded. The good news? It

looks like that crackhead is

about to post your bail. [ Sighs

] He really does have a heart of

gold. Aw! I can't

believe we're at Brian's

house! Oh, my God, it looks so

much smaller than it does on TV.

[ Gasps ] That's the hole he punched

in the wall after he lost custody

of Taylor and Lesean! Chloe,

I totally recognize that pipe.

No, it was here!

F***! Bri?

Goddamn motherf***er! Cocksucker!

Bri guy?

Oh! Whoa! Motherf***er!

Hey.

Everything okay, buddy? Who the f*** are you?

Get the f*** out of my goddamn

house! Brian, it's Kate and Chloe.

You know, Kate and Chloe?

Kate me, Chloe her. Kate and Chloe.

Oh, yeah!

Why didn't you say something? We should have.

I thought there was intruders

in my house. I was like,

"I'll f***ing kill you!"

How'd you find me here? You invited us, sweetie.

You brought us here.

Yeah. Oh, God, that's so good.

Hello.

Hi. Hi! Um...

You want a drink?

I would love one. Whatever you want to do.

I'll, uh, I'll get some

drinks for you. Soda water with

a splash of cran would be great.

All right. How's whiskey?

That's fine. Okay.

It was after I got kicked out of "promises," I

hit rock bottom. Sorry to interrupt you, but

lower than we saw on the show?

Oh, yeah... way lower. Wow!

Then, I sort of... I got... I got to

stop you for a second, because I'm just

struggling to imagine what you could mean when

you say lower, because I could stake my life on

this. I thought we were

at rock bottom with you.

Was I wrong about that? Oh, yeah.

Things got worse for a while.

Wow! Wow. It's unbelievable.

Whoa! Okay.

Okay, continue. Yeah, talk

about it, man. Continue.

Rock bottom came for me... Yeah.

...When I started selling my

sperm for a dirty f***ing buck. [ Sniffling

] I'd get so f***ed up and loaded,

cracked out of my f***ing mind. And

I'd show up to band practice and...

You can tell us, Brian! I'd

whisper the words so soft...

No one could f***ing hear me.

[ Crying ] There, there.

Just hug me. It's gonna be okay.

You guys give me strength.

[ Unenthused ] Great. I'm so happy.

[ Unenthused ] Yeah.

I'm gonna get my journal. I should

write this down. Okay, okay.

[ Sighs ]

Wow! Sounded eerily familiar.

It did.

Guess celebs really are just like us.

[ Sighs ]

What the hell am I sitting on? Oh, come on!

Brian's reading it?!

It's that goddamn pageant!

It f***ed us up. We lost...

And then we just kept on losing.

Maybe we are losers!

Chloe... I mean, maybe

we can change that.

I mean, look at Brian. Look at

what he's done with himself.

Brian, no! [ Coughing ]

What is in that pipe, and I

want you to be honest with me right now.

Are you retarded?

It's crystal. You went to rehab.

You got a second chance.

You started over! Yeah,

keep telling yourself that.

Some of us? We're just born f***ing

losers who will die that way.

That is not true, Brian! We can

go back, and we can change things.

Nobody changes. Recovery?

Recovery's f***ing bullshit.

Brian, pass the pipe.

That's good.

Thank you. ? take on

me ? take on me, take on me,

take on me ? ? take me on-on-on-on

? I'll be-be-be-be-be-be gone

in a day or two-two-two-two-two two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two

two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two

two-two-two-two-two-two-two-two

two-two-two-two ?

Let me lead. We're turning, Chloe.

No, we're not turning, 'cause

I'm not ready to turn.

We're turning now. Turn!

Will you just f***ing

stop it already?! Brian.

I thought I knew where rock bottom was.

You guys are sick.

What are you talking about? No, you got to go.

I'm not gonna watch it anymore.

I am not enabling this disease for one more second!

If it's some f***ing stupid

beauty pageant that made you do this,

then you got to go and deal with it.

Now go! Get out of my house!

Aah! Aah!

Go! Get out! Jesus!

[ Siren wails, dog barks

[ in distance ] Oh! I have to pee.

Yeah, well, so do I. Where

the f*** are we?! I don't know!

This isn't exactly how I pictured

rolling into the pageant.

Uh, yeah. Me neither. But I would have

been there by now if it weren't for you

wasting an entire day driving in the wrong direction!

We wouldn't have even gotten

this far if it hadn't been for me!

This far?

I could have gotten us this far. Well, I guess

I'll have to take your word for it since you

have to drive once! Oh, perfect.

Grab your locket again, Chloe.

You're so delusional. You honestly

think that a guy who broke up with you

91/2 years ago is even gonna remember who you are?

The only reason I think that

is because you're the one who's always

telling me he's gonna call any day now.

I feel like you told me that because

you don't want me to leave you.

You think selling your eggs

is a business. [ Scoffs ]

You call them my product.

You're not a businesswoman, Kate.

You're a hen. Human livestock.

Actually, no.

You know what you're the c.E.O.

Of? What? Say it!

You're the c. E.O...

Of dum-dums.

Well, at least I've tried. Come on.

You're the one who's always

telling me my career is gonna blow

up any second. Your career?!

What career, Chloe?! People stare

at you from outside a glass cube.

Not a big star, Chloe. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

What am I? Come on. Come on.

You're a human oddity.

[ Gasps ]

[ Both urinating ] I'm starting to think

I could do a lot better getting to this

pageant on my own. Yeah. I'm

thinking I should have been

on my own a long time ago. [ Vehicle

approaching ] Hey, sir?!

Sir? Sir? So sorry. We're

just really turned around.

See, we've been driving for four days from New

York City, and we're trying to get to Neptune.

Four days? You're only four

hours outside of Manhattan.

Neptune's only a town away.

Okay.

We're going to be... Just fine.

Hello. You've reached 411 connect.

Please deposit 50 cents to

continue.

[ Sighs ]

Hello? Hi, sweetie.

Hi, little girl.

Listen. Maybe you could help steer me

in the direction of, I don't know,

civilization? Maybe you could take me

back to your house, and I could talk to

your daddy or your...

Mommy? Oh, God.

Okay. So... Is your school around here, or...

Hey, do you talk at all?

? I love myself ? I want you

to love me ? when I feel down,

I want you above me ? ? I search

myself ? I want you to find me

? I forget myself ? I want you to

remind me ? I don't want anybody else

? when I think about you, I touch

myself ? ? ooh, I don't want

anybody else ? ? when I think

about you, I touch myself ?

? oh, I don't want

anybody else ? ? oh, no

? oh, no ? oh, no

? you're the one

who makes me come runnin' ? ?

you're the sun who makes me shine ?

? when you're around, I'm always

laughin' ? ? I want to make you mine

? I want you ? I don't want anybody

else ? when I think about you,

I touch myself ? ? oh-oh ? oh

? oh-oh ? oh ? I don't

want anybody else

? when I think about you, I touch

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