Ass Backwards Page #7

myself ? ? oh, I don't want

anybody else ? ? when I think

about you, I touch myself ?

? I touch myself ? I touch

myself ? I touch myself

I love you all! ? I

touch myself ? I touch myself

? I touch myself ? I don't

want anybody else ? oh, no

? oh, no ? oh, no

all right! Give it up for everyone

we've seen today and for yourselves

and for our sponsors.

Well... If it isn't Kate and Chloe.

Where the sh*t have you two

girls been?! Is there any way we

could still just run in there real

quick? Baby lils, li'l lils, and

little missus are almost done!

Okay. Ms. Neptune is up next.

We have done tech, dry run,

dry run with tech, dress,

speed-through dress, no costumes,

speed-through dress, props, costumes,

no makeup, walk the curtain call, and

lunch. If the audience sees you,

it's because I'm lighting you.

If they hear you, it's because I'm miking you.

If they applaud, it's because

I'm working my little heinie off.

So, if you want to be in my

pageant, you better be here to

win.

Whoa!

Places!

Places for models in motion!

How about those teen gals? Okay. Weren't they great?

Now, what can I say about this

next group? Um, let's hear it for

the ripened beauties competing for

the Ms. Neptune award! [

Audience applauds ] Excuse me.

? The world's got so dark, I need some guidance

to see ? ? 'cause this pain in my heart

is taking everything from me ? [

Material rips ] [ Audience applauds ]

F***! ? please

give some love to me ?

? 'cause I'm feeling so alone

right now, it's suffocating me ?

? God, give me strength to keep on

walking ? ? God, give me strength

to keep on walking ? ? God, give

me strength to keep on walking ?

? God, give me strength to keep on

walking ? ? the air's got so thick,

I find it hard... ? all right, let's

hear it for all our potential Ms. Neptunes.

Yeah. That's it. Move it.

Sidestep out of here.

Thank you. Up next, the

talent portion of the show.

[ Irish folk music plays ]

[ Audience applauds ] Let's hear it for Tara.

Competition is stiff this

year. That was her

Nana's favorite song.

Hot in here. Fenner, you're up for talent.

You look like sh*t.

Kate fenner is up next,

performing an original tap dance.

[ Audience murmurs ] Hi.

Oh, my God... her 'mones. She

must be off her 'mones! Hi.

[ Murmuring continues ]

Oh! [ Glass shatters ]

And that was Kate fenner,

everyone. Let's welcome

Ms. Jennifer Pagano, with a

rendition of

"we didn't start the fire."

[ Panting ]

I'm here. I got a b12 shot

from first aid. I'm fine.

Just leave me here. I just need to be

with the ground for a little while.

Just go. You're gonna win.

I'm very happy for you.

What are you talking about? You have to get back out there.

This is what we've been waiting

for. This is what we

came all this way to do.

It's okay. You have less competition.

Kate, if you're not competing

out there, then I'm not

competing, either.

Really? Yeah.

I don't feel well.

Chloe? What is it?

You're the best friend I've

ever had. And you're mine.

Ooh!

That feels good. Bet that feels nice.

Yeah, there she is.

Chloe west, you're up next for talent.

Got to go!

Chloe? Chloe? Yeah.

Just make sure they can hear

you out there.

[ Audience applauds ] Ha ha ha!

A juggler with a message... how

often do you see that? And now,

here to perform Whitney Houston's

"the greatest love of all," Ms. Chloe west.

[ Audience applauds ]

Bright up here.

[ Singing unintelligibly ] ?

never to west in anyone's shadow ?

? if I first, if I...

At least I live

as widespread red ? ? eee-eee-eee,

eee-eee-eee ? no mattered

what they take from smay ? ? they

can't take away my rentity ?

They can't take away her dignity.

? the greatest love

of them ? ? is jealous to my friend

? not here to rest your fill

conclude! ? it is the

greatal you stun fell ?

? st [ Light applause

] ? e-e-e-east

[ light applause ] Thank you, Neptune!

Chloe west, thank you.

That's... that's... that's our talent portion.

Let's move on to q&a.

Fenner? Fenner, move your arse.

Q&a is next. Go, go, go!

Nothing we like more than questions and answers, huh?

Let's get some people out here

to answer questions. Listen,

listen, listen, listen.

Just stick to what you know

out there, okay? Okay.

All right. [ Clears throat ]

Uh, Ms. fenner, if you would,

please, describe for us the strides women

have made in the last half-century.

Don't screw it up. Whoa!

Fenner gets a tough one!

Uh... The strides women have made.

Okay.

Uh... Well, you know what? I'd like to open

up this discourse with a definition from

Webster's dictionary, which would

posit that women are not men.

I'm sorry. Actually, I'm gonna head in

from a different angle, because this

is reminding me of an old military adage.

You know what?

Has anyone seen the movie "an

officer and a gentleman"? [ Sighs ]

I don't have a f***ing clue. I have no idea.

I don't know.

There's nothing happening right now.

Nothing.

I don't know. I don't know!

I have no idea!

I don't know the answer.

Thank you! Thank you!

You're welcome.

Yes! Wow!

Let's get on to the next... I did it.

You didn't know.

I had no idea. You had nothing.

Nothing!

[ Both sigh ] Yes!

Time to line up. This is it.

This... Is it.

This is where it started, huh?

Yep.

This is where it all began. He was, like, talking.

I was a good singer, you know?

Okay, here we go. Here we are. We're ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my

supreme pleasure now to introduce to you

the legendary, undefeated small-town girl

turned superstar,

Ms. Laurel Kelly.

Gorgeous, Laurel! There she is.

Look at that, huh?

Whoo! Knows how to walk downstairs.

Still looks great.

No, not standby! Now! Now!

All right. Now, the moment

you've all been waiting for.

We got the results in. All tallied up.

See if they're written in

English. [ Audience laughs

] In third place...

[ Drumroll ] I just have to say

that I was so proud of you up there.

Thank you. Ms. Amanda Solnick.

[ Audience applauds ]

Pretty lady, all right. In second place...

[ Drumroll ]

I am so proud of you. Oh, thank you.

Let's hear it for

Jennifer Pagano! [ Audience applauds

] So close, almost... second

place. And in first place...

[ Drumroll ]

I just feel so good to be honest with each other.

And feel the feelings, even

if they're big feelings. And it

doesn't matter if we win or lose.

I'd like to introduce you to your

new Ms. Neptune, Colleen Mcniff!

[ Audience applauds ] ? she's

the one everybody wants ?

? will I be the lucky one? ? could I

be the only one? ? and she's the girl

that's once, once in a

lifetime ? ? and I found her

? now will she be mine? ?

will she be mine? No!

[ Audience gasps ] No! No!

Why do you win?! I wanted to win!

When is it our turn?!

Why?! Why?! No! Why?!

It should have been us! Why do you

get to decide if I'm pretty?!

Sherry, faith. [ Roars

] Oh, you better run!

Aaahhhh! [ Both

yelling ] why?!

Why are you doing this?!

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