Athletes Who Rock the World Page #4

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by his king in ancient Greece.

- Like Sir Walter Raleigh. The same fate.

- James the First.

Even someone as bright as you

must be aware that, uh,

there's a certain pattern

emerging here.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn?

Yeah, I heard of him. Didn't he play

hockey for the f***in' Red Wings?

- That's the chap.

- Get this straight, pops.

I don't like you any more

than you like me.

But I'm here to make you

a legitimate offer.

You wanna hear what

I have to say or not?

By all means, dear Paxton.

By all means.

We got a problem in a place

that I think you know.

There's a hostage situation

on Alcatraz.

- Hostage?

- Eighty-one tourists.

The Rock has become

a tourist attraction?

Why don't we cut the sh*t, huh?

You know the Rock.

- You broke out.

- Yes, successfully.

Yeah. So why don't you do yourself

a favour while you're helpin' us?

I mean, it'd be nice to get out of jail

while you're still vertical.

Hmm? While you got a little lead

left in your pencil.

While I'm considering

your offer,

I want a suite

in the Fairmont Hotel.

You know I'm here

to cut you a deal.

I am not here to bend over

and take it up the ass from you.

Here. Here's a quarter.

Do yourself a favour. Call your lawyer.

You're goin' back to jail.

- Y-You're sending him back to jail?

- I'm not sending him anywhere.

I'm just givin' him

somethin' to think about.

With all due respect, sir,

I don't think we have time...

for him to just sit around

and think about it.

- Oh, really?

- No, Goodspeed's right.

- You go talk to him.

- Me?

- Yes.

- Sir, I'm not qualified for that.

- You're an FBI agent!

- W-What is your specialty again?

- Chemical weapons.

Don't mention that!

- You want me to lie?

- Yeah, lie.

We got less than 24 hours.

Give it a shot.

Okay.

Hi.

I'm an agent with the, uh,

uh, F-Federal...

FBI. Uh...

- Eh, well, my... I'm Stanley Goodspeed.

- But of course you are.

Well, at least

he got his name right.

- Of course I am. Huh.

- And you have an emergency.

That's right.

And you need my help.

Exactly right.

- Coffee.

- No, no, I'm fine. Thank you.

Offer me coffee.

Oh, yes! Well, that was,

in fact, gonna be my next...

Can we get a cup of coffee

in here, please?

And offer

to take these off.

Mr Mason, really.

- All kidding aside.

- As a gesture of your good faith.

- Prisoner requests to have

his handcuffs taken off.

- No, no, no, no.

Why don't you go ahead and have

his handcuffs taken off, please?

Well, I guess

that's one way to go.

This is a pardon and release contract

from the attorney general's office.

Now, it makes you a free man

provided you cooperate.

So if you'll just, uh, sign,

uh, at, uh,

where it says...

- "Signature"?

- That's... Yes. "Signature."

Well, timeo danaos

et dona ferentis.

"I fear the Greeks

even when they bring gifts."

Oh, an educated man!

That rules out the possibility

of you being a field agent.

In point of fact,

I am a field agent, Mr Mason.

- Really?

- Yes.

- In which field?

- Antiterrorism.

Then you're trained in weaponry,

explosives and mortal combat.

Well-trained.

Then it's

the Fairmont Hotel.

Okay.

I want a suite,

a shower, a shave...

and the feel of a suit.

May I also suggest, uh,

a haircut?

- Am I out of style?

- Unless you're a 20-year-old

guitarist from Seattle.

- It's a grunge thing.

- Grunge?

Yeah, well, uh, uh...

Okay, thank you very much.

All right. Call the Fairmont.

Close the floor if necessary,

but I want him sealed off.

And he gets two hours max.

- Great job, Goodspeed.

- Why didn't you throw in a trip

to Tahiti while you were at it?

- I'll deliver this

to the attorney general.

- Uh, no, you'll give it to me.

And take Attorney Reynolds

outside. There's a car

waiting for you. Thank you.

That's a signed federal document, sir.

Isn't that illegal?

You're not acquainted

with the full facts, Goodspeed.

With all due respect, sir, I'd like

clarification. I gave that man my word.

Damn it! You're on a need-to-know

basis, and you don't need to know.

It's, uh, it's, eh,

kind of curious, but, uh,

Sir Walter Raleigh,

Alcamedes, Solzhenitsyn,

they, um, well, they were all

wrongfully imprisoned.

Womack! Now, why am I not

surprised, you piece of sh*t!

Eh, peace! Peace!

Hey, we're not home.

Leave a message.

Hi, darling, it's, uh,

it's me.

Uh, listen, don't come

to San Francisco.

I repeat, do not come

to San Francisco.

- Stanley, no!

- Carla.

- Wha...

- Carla.

- Like hell I'm not coming!

Wait. Car...

Who's Carla? And why don't you want her

to come to San Francisco?

You're on a need-to-know basis,

and you don't need to know.

Watch it, he'll bite you.

Good. Mobile Command

is fully operational.

- We'll be there in

approximately two hours.

- I'm not armed, sir.

- I am unarmed, sir.

- Well, where's your issue?

I left it in my,

uh, my sock drawer.

A gun?

For what?

You're a chemical freak.

No, I'm a chemical super-freak,

actually. But I still need a gun.

Give him a goddam gun.

Have you fired one of

those things since the Academy?

- Wear some

- If you're going to

- Flowers in your hair

Don't forget to wear

flowers in your hair

- If you're going

- If you're going

- To San Francisco

- To San Francisco

- You're sure to meet some

- You're gonna meet

- Gentle people there

- Some gentle people there

- And you come for...

If you're going

to San Francisco

Uh, uh, room service?

Ah, listen. This is the penthouse.

Do you do snacks, drinks? Huh?

Hello!

- You the barber?

- No. Stylist.

Barber.

- Just clippers. No scissors.

- No scissors? You've got to be

kidding me, no scissors!

I mean, did they tell Picasso,

"No brush"?

With scissors,

this man could kill you.

I can't cut anyone's balls off

with a trimmer now, can I?

Why don't we do this outside?

Get some sun.

Oh, who did this to you? This is just

not right. In fact, it's nasty!

Well, it's a grunge thing.

Well, it's some kind

of thing.

Do you think we have time for a sea kelp

protein pack and maybe some colour?

No.

Okay.

Not very nice, is he?

No, he's not.

'Cause I'm leavin'

Hey, somebody ordered it.

Can't let it go to waste.

- Don't know when I'll be back again

- Don't you ever stop eatin'?

Not when it's free.

- We're supposed to be on duty.

- Hey, don't worry. He's an old man.

The boss is watchin' 'im. Come on,

have... Try some of this lobster.

- Mm-hmm.

- My secretary here will settle the bill.

So what do you have in store for

me, Womack, when this is over?

You'll get your life back,

Mason.

But you could've given me

my life back years ago.

- Why should I trust you now?

- You've got my word.

Will you shake on it?

- Freeze, mister!

- Oh, man!

Help!

Drop the gun

or I drop your boss.

You will not!

Get!

- He's getting very heavy.

- Then pull him up.

Please don't!

Help! Sh*t!

Come on, have a scallop.

Come on, catch.

You hoist him!

Help! Help! Help!

- Where's Mason? Where is Mason?

- Help! Hang on!

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