Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Houston, this is Condor.

We are doing an E.V.A.

of the payload.

We are about to present

the module with--

What the--

Oh, my gentle Jesus.

Houston...we have a problem.

Launch procedure commence.

Oh, God!

And Im spent.

Do you smoke after sex?

I don't know, baby.

I never looked.

Oh, Austin!

What shall we do now?

Well, Ive got an idea.

Why dont we shag?

-Again?

-Sure, baby.

We're only up to chapter eleven

in the "Kama Sutra."

Dont you want to try

the wheelbarrow...

or the praying donkey...

or the Chinese shag swing?

Im going to get us

some more champagne, jungle boy.

Im going to get us

some more champagne, jungle boy.

Are you OK?

Ive never felt better, Austin.

All right, then.

Im just gonna go watch a movie.

"In Like Flint."

That's my favorite movie.

Vanessa.

What's going on?

I don't know what you mean,

Austin.

Im the same Vane--

You must be--

Tu imaginacion

esta jugando con ti, querido.

Oh, my God!

You're a fembot!

No sh*t, Sherlock!

Machine gun jubblies?

How did I miss those, baby?

Perhaps next time

you should try foreplay.

Right. Oh, my God!

Here's your wedding present,

Mr. Powers.

A kamikaze bride from me--

Dr. Evil.

Oh, thank God.

I can't believe Vanessa...

my bride...

my one true love...

the woman who taught me

the beauty of monogamy...

was a fembot all along.

Wait a tick.

That means Im single again!

Oh, behave!

Yeah!

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Halt!

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Look!

How are you?

Good to see you.

What's that?

Yes. Yeah, that.

Good one, man.

What's goin' on here?

Good to see you guys.

Good to see you.

Rabbis, how are you?

Nice meat.

Photo op.

L'chaim!

Yeah, baby.

Keep a close eye

on that Kreplachistan situation.

Yes, sir.

Jerry! Jerry!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

If you just joined us,

today's topic is...

My father is evil, and he

wants to take over the world.

OK, let's meet Scott Evil.

Hi, Scott.

Nice to have you with us.

Tell us about your father.

My dad is the head of

a worldwide evil organization...

with aspirations

of world domination.

Pretty serious stuff.

Where is he now?

He's, like,

cryogenically frozen...

orbiting the earth or something.

That's what you think.

We have a surprise for you.

Let's bring out

Scott's father Dr. Evil!

What?

General,

we've got a situation here.

What is it, Sergeant?

Hello, Scott.

Daddy's back.

How could you do this to me,

on national television?

Well, throw me

a frickin' bone here, Scott.

Why'd you run out on me?

Because you're not quite

evil enough.

Well, it's true.

You're quasi-evil.

You're semi-evil.

You're the margarine of evil.

You're the Diet Coke of evil.

Just one calorie.

Not evil enough.

What are you,

some kind of freak?

-Shut up, you--

-OK, come on.

Ill kick your...punk.

Bring it on, skanky--

All right, come on.

No one talks to my son

like that. It's OK, Scott.

You mother--

You were born in your mother's--

Im OK. All right.

You were born in your mother's--

Ill kill you both!

There you go!

Great!

I got your hood!

Settle down.

Its OK.

Its only a television show.

Calm down.

Im all right. Im easy.

-Everything OK?

-OK.

Get this jerk out of here.

Ill give you--piece of--

He's biting me!

The...is biting me!

The world is mine, you--

You've got mail.

Hello, Basil.

Hello, Austin.

How was your honeymoon?

It turns out

that Vanessa was a fembot.

Yes. We knew all along, sadly.

Anyway, I have

a new assignment for you.

You're scheduled for

a photo shoot...

and one of the models

works for Dr. Evil.

Groovy, baby!

Shaguar, ho!

Show me to the models, baby.

Let the magic begin.

Who have we got today?

OK, great.

Austin Powers,

Ive heard a lot about you.

Im Rebecca Romijn.

I don't believe

Ive had the pleasure.

Well, of course

you haven't had...

the pleasure, Rebecca.

We just met, baby. Yeah.

Who are you, baby?

Ivana.

Ivana Humpalot.

Excuse me?

And I vanna toilet

made out of solid gold...

but it's just not

in the cards, is it?

You know...

OK, everyone, let's get started.

Yes, beautiful. Feeling it!

Let's get some smiles.

Its all in here.

That's it. Yes!

Let's let the inside out.

OK, you're an animal!

Yes, there we go.

You're a tiger!

You're Tony the Tiger!

You're grrreat!

Very good. Loving it.

Now you're a lemur.

Running as a pack.

We go left.

We go right.

There's a predator

out of the jungle.

What's going on?

Burrow!

That's right, youre a lemur.

That's all you've got.

You don't have sharp teeth

capable of biting.

Make an interconnected series

of tunnels like the Viet Cong.

And look.

Im not even shooting you.

Its crazy.

And Im spent.

Right, thats a wrap, everyone.

Miss Humpalot.

Da, darling?

Shall we?

Give me moment, hmm?

Dr. Evil, several years ago...

we invested in a small

Seattle-based coffee company.

Today Starbucks offers

premium quality coffee...

at affordable prices.

De-lish!

If we shift our resources...

away from evil empires

and towards Starbucks...

we can increase

our profits five-fold.

Number Two,

I make the decisions here, OK?

I demand a little respect.

Dr. Evil,

you have a little of the...

Silence!

I will not tolerate

your insolence!

Frau Farbissina,

wie geht es ihnen?

Sehr gut, Herr Doktor.

How are things?

I have come to embrace the love

that dare not speak its name.

To my right is my lover.

We met at the LPGA Tour.

Her name is Unibrau.

Right on.

Welcome, Unibrau.

What?

A little milk...nose...mustache.

I know.

Meant to.

That's how we drink it

in Belgium.

Called a Belgian dip.

While you were frozen...

we began a program to clone you.

Cool.

Send in the clone!

He is exactly like you

in every way.

Except one eighth your size.

Breathtaking.

I shall call him...

Mini-Me.

Your stock is rising,

Number Two.

Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.

Mini-Me, are you hungry?

Something to eat?

Not even a Hot Pocket?

An Eggo?

No,we don't gnaw on our kitty.

Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth

alone.

Just love him and stroke him.

As you know...

every diabolical scheme

that I have hatched...

has been thwarted

by Austin Powers.

And why is that,

ladies and gentlemen?

'Cause you never kill him

when you get the chance to...

and you're a big dope.

Down, Mini-Me.

Austin Powers always defeats me

because he has mojo.

Mojo?

The libido. The life force.

The essence. The right stuff.

What the French call

a certain...

I don't know what.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ive developed a device

for traveling through time...

which I call a time machine.

Using this time machine...

Im going back to the Sixties

and steal Austin Powers' mojo.

If you have a time machine...

why not just go back

and kill Austin Powers...

when he's sitting

on the crapper or something?

How about no, Scott?

OK?

Why not use your knowledge

of the future...

to play the stock market?

We could make trillions.

Why make trillions

when we could make...

billions?

A trillion is more

than a billion, numnuts.

All right, zip it.

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