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That's Gene Krupa on the drums,

folks. And if you believe that...

No, that's yours truly on the skins.

Sometimes wish I was Gene Krupa.

- I think I was born in a different era.

- Robert Crane. Robert...

Enough! This is KNX-CBS, 1070

on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial.

Enough! This is KNX-CBS, 1070

on the AM dial, 93.1 on the FM dial.

It is beautiful in Hollywood,

they tell me. 72 degrees outside...

...9:
25 on the KNX clock...

Yes, Jack! I know!

I'll get to him.

That's Jackie Chapman,

our engineer, knocking.

Jack will be appearing later

today at the Ralphs market...

...in the fresh fruit section,

if I'm not mistaken.

As regular listeners know,

from time to time...

...we have special guests,

and today, somebody truly special.

Mr. Clayton Moore,

the Lone Ranger, right over here!

And I've always wanted

to do this with you...

- Hi-yo, Silver. Away!

- I never get tired of that.

Do people recognize you

when you're out in public?

No. No, not really.

Can we get you to expose

yourself today on radio?

- Mask off? Reveal your identity?

- For you, Bob, sure.

Coming up next, a KNX first. We've

got the Lone Ranger, and he's naked!

- Don't tell Tonto.

- No, of course not.

First, a word from our sponsor,

Lucky Strike cigarettes.

I always wanted

to make an impression.

You know the type.

There's one in every class.

The cutup. Eddie Cantor once told

me like ability is 90% of the battle...

...and he was right.

Well, that's me.

I'm a likable guy.

Bob, sit!

Please?

I'm emceeing a lunch in an hour.

Humour me.

- Those the contracts I need to sign?

- Sit!

Your ears would've been

burning this morning.

I had breakfast with

the boys from CBS.

Got something very interesting.

This could be what you're looking for.

- What?

- A television series!

- Goodbye, Lenny.

- Listen to me. Stop running, will you?

I thought you were gonna get me

a Jack Lemmon role.

A feature. It's a critical time for me.

I need something big.

I can be Jack Lemmon.

You are Jack Lemmon.

And Jack Benny.

- Then get me a role.

- That's what this is!

Lemmon and Benny combined.

They want you for the lead.

Just promise me

you'll keep an open mind.

You ready?

It's set in a German prison camp.

- It's a drama?

- No! That... It's a comedy.

Oh, with the funny Nazis.

- It's a POW camp.

- With a laugh track?

Hey. This is first-class

all the way, my friend.

Bing Crosby Productions doing it.

Sounds like it could be

a career-killer.

Just read it?

He suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, died and was buried.

He descended to the dead.

On the third day, he rose again.

He ascended into heaven and is

seated at the right hand of the Father.

He will come again to judge

the living and the dead.

- You need a little bit of this.

- There you go, Bobby.

I think it's perfect for me.

I mean this character, Hogan...

...he's quick on his toes,

he's hip, he's a con artist.

I think it's what I've been

working toward my whole career.

You've been working

towards Holocaust comedy?

- Anne!

- What, Bob?

Not in front of the children.

They look up to me.

They're small.

They look up to everyone.

- That's funny. I gotta use that.

- Bob, for 15 years...

...l've followed you from job to job.

I'm your number one supporter.

I believe in you. But you expect

me to keep quiet when I see you...

...about to do something

that could ruin your career?

No, not me! Oh, no!

Help! Help!

Those are the right words...

All right, honey. You're right.

Family comes first.

I guess it's more important

than some TV show.

You really like the script?

It runs circles around

the other stuff I've been offered.

I know.

I read it.

You did?

It's funny.

Are you saying what

I think you're saying?

You'll quit KNX?

First I'll do both, like we did on

Donna Reed, but if it works...

Well, Donna Reed was part-time.

I just hope I can pull it off.

Hogan's in almost every scene.

You worry. You always worry,

but in the end you succeed.

Easy for you to say.

Hello, Henry.

Now, we're all professionals here.

You've all been working on your

characters, each with his own slant.

We have to keep in mind

this is a gang comedy.

It's funny to the extent the gang

is funny. Like an athletic team.

A great quarterback

without his offensive line...

...ain't gonna complete a pass.

Did you hear about the

Greek quarterback...

...who hated to leave

his buddies behind?

I think we get the point.

Let's pick up with Klink and Hogan.

The great disciplinarian...

...knows when to reward

and when to punish.

Now, my leniency

is a legend, right?

Wrong. You've got a reputation

to uphold, colonel.

You know that. I mean,

you're running the most brutal...

...prison camp in all of Germany!

Okay.

Let's back up.

Bob, don't try so hard.

You're the hero of the show.

It's named after you.

And heroes don't try and be

heroes, they simply are. Okay?

Let's do it again. Same place.

The great disciplinarian knows...

- when to reward and when to punish.

Now, my leniency is a legend, right?

- Wrong.

- What do you mean?

You've got a reputation

to uphold, colonel.

You are running the most brutal

prison camp in all of Germany.

- I am?

- In the world! You're ranked third...

...behind Devil's Island and Alcatraz.

- Good.

And you're the toughest

Kommandant.

In the last war it was "Kill the Kaiser."

Today it's "Kill Klink."

"Kill Klink." I like that.

Mel Rosen. I do a little radio show

out of the Quad Cities.

I've actually heard

good things about that.

- Coming from you, that's high praise.

- You gotta give me a tape for that.

- Something to drink?

- A grapefruit juice.

- With vodka?

- No, straight. Last of the straight men.

I'll have another Tom Collins.

Doing a show on the new TV season.

Never pass up one of these junkets.

- Well, I'm with you there.

- So this new show...

I loved you on Donna Reed,

by the way.

It's set in a concentration camp.

A comedy?

Prisoner of war camp.

Yeah, it's got all your typical comedy

elements:
Gestapo, police dogs.

So I guess if you

liked World War II...

...you're gonna love Hogan's Heroes.

- No, let's not...

- Actually, I got what I want.

Mel, what...?

I thought you were a fellow entertainer.

I'm also a Jew.

It's the same thing.

Thank you.

Are one of those for me?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Bob! Look what I found.

- Hiya.

- Hiya.

This TV reviewer, he just...

I don't mean to offend anybody.

Forget it. Do you see this spread?

Yeah, I gotta hand it to CBS.

They did it for one reason:

The affiliates have seen the pilot.

They love it.

- You play Hogan, don't you?

- I sure do. You want an autograph?

- I've got autographs.

- Darling, you just stop that.

Mr. Crane is a happily married man.

You wanted to see my room, right?

It's right this way.

Did you catch the radio show

this morning? Guess who was on.

Were you listening?

Johnny Winters.

I swear, he's gotta be the funniest

human being ever born.

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