Bachelor in Paradise Page #3

she did say that.

Hi. I'm Linda Delavane,

your next-door neighbour.

Hi! - I came in to

grind my garbage.

What's matter with

your own garbage grinder?

Oh, we don't have one.

See, you get your choice of

garbage disposer or dishwasher.

So we choose a dishwasher,

because the disposer was a little extra,

and Larry didn't feel we ought to

obligate ourselves too heavily.

Larry?

- My husband.

Don't tell me you're married?

Better be...

I've got two children.

Larry's a senior

inertial control systems analyst...

very important position.

Yes, especially if you want

your inertial control system analyzed.

Yeah... - You're southern,

aren't you?

Savannah, Georgia!

- Shoo!

But I met Larry at school at Michigan,

I was on scholarship.

Basketball?

Oh! Romance languages.

I was going to teach,

but we got married

the day we graduated.

Then Stevie came along,

and then Dougie,

and now I'm settled down here

in Paradise Village as a hausfrau.

You're a living

soap opera.

Don't you like it here?

For the children

it's marvellous,

but there's so little

cultural stimulation,

and I'm sure the good Lord didn't intend

for me to use my Phi Beta Kappa key

to punch holes on top of

a grated cheese can.

What are you doing there?

I'm trying to loosen this, so it'll start again.

Rosemary showed me

how to do it.

She's terrible sweet person.

When theirs gets stuck, she takes

in garbage from the whole neighbourhood.

Nice of her to find the

location like this for me...

right in the middle of things.

How can I help you?

Now, hold it firm and

try to move it around. That's it!

Sort of like stirring

the fudge, isn't it?

O.K.

Hold it!

You got it on high?

- Wait!

O.K.

They get kind of vicious when they haven't

been fed for a while, don't they?

Yeah.

Hello, men!

- You broke my drum!

...you shouldn't leave

it here lying, anyway.

Let's turn this down!

- Whew!

David Douglas Delavane!

Hey, who put your cage on?

- Mommy did.

He started eat

a bottle of nail polish.

He did?

Are you little billy goat, you?

Stevie, take his gloves off and

let's get him mammy for dinner. Linda?

I'm home!

- I'm here, honey.

Y... your birthday?

- Hmm-mm.

Our anniversary?

- No.

My birthday? - No, it's our new

neighbour's idea, Mr. Adams.

He rented Rosemary's house.

- Yeah?

He says a man likes to come home

and see his wife in a pretty frock.

All fresh, with her hair combed.

- Know something? He's right.

You'd like him.

He's quite nice-looking,

kind of cute, very mysterious.

And speaks french.

What's so mysterious

about speaking french?

You've got a husband and two

sons to feed, baby. Let's eat!

In a while, give me 10 minutes.

- Ten minutes?

I guess I just sort of

lost track of time.

Jack and I got to chatting.

I was transported to

all sorts of romantic places.

Forgot all about

dirty dishes and diapers.

So that's the equation, is it?

Mr. Adams equals mystery and romance.

Mr. Delavane equals

diapers and dishes. - Larry!

Some stranger moves in,

starts filling' my wife with a lot of talk

about romantic places, and changing

your clothes, and speaking french.

I never did

trust that language.

Larry, don't be so sensitive.

Are you jealous?

- Me? Jealous?

But there are some

jealous husbands around here,

and if your Mr. Adams starts

transporting their wives,

there's gonna be more trouble in Paradise

than Eve started with that apple!

Say, would you please send a cab to

22931 Katherina street?

Right away.

Thank you.

BENNYS DRIVE IN:

Are you in a hurry,

Miss Howard? Yes, I...

have an appointment

at eight o'clock, but I...

Just bring me a hamburger and

coffee to go, Thelma. - O.K.

I can't tell you when

I'll be free for the next call.

I don't know

how fast this nut eats.

Roger!

- Yeah.

Well, guys and gals, if that didn't

get you out of bed, you're dead.

How the Americans Live,

chapter one.

The din dawns with the day.

Throughout most of

the civilized world,

the new day is born

in a silence so profound,

one can imagine he hears

the morning glory open its petals

to greet the rising sun.

Hour-conscious, minute-counting,

time-saving America...

is blasted from sleep

by the explosive screams of

the alarm clock radio,

which may largely explain

the frenetic pace

that jangles the nation's

nerves throughout the day.

Timed to the split second,

an entire community...

prepares for the day in a seemingly

well-regulated schedule that...

first dispatches

the adult males...

into the aorta of the

city's traffic system...

those marvels of engineering

called freeways...

that have contributed so much

to american progress.

The next major movement of which

the objective observer is aware...

comes after an interval

during which the adult females...

have attended their

basic household chores.

They're emerge to run errands, walk dogs,

stroll babies,

borrow, lend,

exchange, and discuss.

And during the period

from sunup till sundown,

the typical american community

is completely matriarchal,

dominated entirely by females...

a no man's land more

foreboding than ancient Scythia,

home of the Amazon.

Hi, stranger. - Well, Mrs. McIntyre,

why aren't you in school?

I had to stay home today.

My husband is sick.

Oh, that's too bad.

What's the matter?

I think he's pregnant.

Bye.

Go this way, stranger.

What you gonna buy, stranger?

Lots of things.

- Then you better get a wagon.

Sissy, I thought I told you

to wait in the car.

I have to

help the stranger.

You're Mr. Adams,

the new gentleman.

I'm Bertha Pickering,

Sissy's mother.

I hope she isn't

too much of a bother?

Not at all. She can help

if you don't object.

Well, mind you

behave now, Sissy.

Pardon me.

Aha! I was just about to

call the auto club.

I'll be in fresh vegetables.

- Stranger, what will you buy?

Well, let's start with coffee.

Where's that?

Down this way.

Can I have one?

Oh, sure.

Be my guest.

No. no. Not from the bottom.

No... no.

Can I have

some for my husband?

Yeah. But let me

get it for you, honey.

Floor man,

accident on aisle 14.

Big brother is watching you.

He did it!

Where do you get eggs?

- From chickens!

Eggs are this way.

Yes, but you, you help the nice man

put the cans together, huh?

Here. That's for

her husband.

Are there any more

small broilers?

Sorry, ma'am.

Not until the next delivery.

Oh, dear.

Allow me.

- Thanks, just the same.

But take it.

I can't cook, anyway.

Why'd you buy it?

To practice on, but I can

practice with eggs, if I ever find them.

No, you take it,

I'll find something else.

I tell you what, we'll split it.

- Split it?

You can't split...

- Quite simple!

You take it home and cook it, and bring it over

my place, and we'll share it.

You're very generous, Mr. Adams.

What's matter? Don't you think

I'm worth half a chicken?

Thank you. I haven't thought of you

in terms of chickens.

I haven't thought of you,

period. Good day.

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