Bad Asses Page #3

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rounds before I really get started.

And if you're good, you

can bring your friend.

I like threesomes.

Carmen.

He was like a son to me.

He was gonna do big things.

They took his life.

I can't let 'em get

away with that.

And neither would you.

I mean it, Frank. You cannot take

any of this stuff out of here.

Don't do like you did last time.

Do not take this

stuff out of here.

God, I love you, Carmen.

Well, I'll leave my door

open this evening...

so you can show me just

how much you love me.

And bring Green

Machine with you.

I told you about that outfit.

Look. He's got a pickup

from some guy named Hammer.

Yeah, I see.

And here's his address.

Hmm.

Ya

Ya

Holy sh*t. Hey, fellas, this

is E.B.M., not A.A.R.P.

We're looking for Hammer.

He's busy right now.

Well, you best tell

us where he is...

before I put my

foot up your ass.

I thought you said there

was no need for violence.

Different situation,

different measures.

Listen, Social Security.

This is a fraternity rush party

for freshman students...

in the year 2014, not 1932.

So if I were you, I would get

the hell off my property...

before I put my

foot up your ass.

Where's Hammer?

Okay, okay, okay. He's, uh-He's-He's-.

Upstairs, third floor, room five.

Room five!

See? It wasn't

that hard, was it?

This here's a hip-hop anthem

Everybody in this

motherf***er stand up

Ladies in the place

put your hands up

Fellas, make a loud

noise like a handgun

F*** off! I'm busy!

I'm here for a pickup!

Screw you!

What the hell?

- You Hammer?

- Get the hell out of here!

Hey, little lady.

What's your major?

Where can I find Adolfo?

F*** you.

Didn't anybody teach you

to respect your elders?

Okay.

Let's take a little off the top.

Where can I find Adolfo?

So I'll probably score a double

major and graduate in five.

I mean, what's the rush, right?

The real world's not

going anywhere.

I couldn't agree with you more.

I'd do the same thing.

Don't! Help!

Okay, okay, okay.

He has a beach-He has a

beach house in Malibu.

- Okay. Where in Malibu?

- I don't know!

Okay.

No! It's called.

It's called Villa

Costa or some sh*t.

But he's only there on weekends.

Just stop!

Nice cut. Mazeltov.

Give me that.

Hey, Bernie!

I like you, Bernie.

I like you in that "I've

never had a father figure",

so now I'm trying to

overcompensate...

"by getting with an older

man" type of way.

Bernie, let's go!

Okay!

I'm sorry.

I gotta run, Jessica.

Oh, so soon?

Well, Facebook me!

We got big issues.

You're interrupting Adolfo

during his me time.

Not in the mood for

issues, Big Black.

And you know I wouldn't if it wasn't

important, but this sh*t's important.

Okay. Come on. Out with it.

Looks like one of our highest profiting

distributors just shut down today.

Sorry?

That old dude came in and kicked

the sh*t out of everybody.

What old dude? You know.

The old dude. Bad Ass.

I thought we had eliminated him.

We almost did.

Then some other old

dude came in and-.

What? Came in and what?

Came in and kind of

kicked all our asses.

Excuse me? You're saying a couple of old

dudes beat the sh*t out of our guys?

Yeah. But they're not

your typical old guys.

Trust me.

They're more like bad asses.

I don't f***ing

care who they are!

Okay, well, this is simple.

If you can't take out a

couple of geriatrics,

then I'll bring in

someone else who will.

And then I'll have

them kill you.

That sound fair? Huh?

Now, you're cutting into

my seaweed-wrap hour,

so get the f*** out of my face.

Hey. Did somebody call

for a secret door?

Yay!

So I put all

your apps in their own personal folder.

- What's that?

- The family tracker app.

I linked it with

my mom's phone...

so you can always know

that we're safe and sound.

My brother used to

do that with us.

Look, your brother

really loved you,

and just because you can't see

him doesn't mean he's not here.

So you got to remember...

that no matter what you

do or where you go,

he'll always be

watching over you.

Really?

Really.

Knock, knock.

Hey there.

I thought you two might be thirsty.

Perfect.

So, how's it coming along?

We're ready for the

big unveiling.

Come on. Ooh!

Voila! Oh, wow!

It's so cool! I love it.

I exactly know where I'm

gonna put my Barbie jumper,

my American Girl and

my Blue's Clues!

So cool.

Okay, you've got a

broken head gasket,

three dead spark plugs, a

busted radiator and no gas.

- And what about this gun?

- Boy, put that back.

I'm not even sure that

thing even works anymore.

Yeah, that's what she said.

Okay, so besides

everything you said,

what kind of shape's it in?

Look, Coach, it's a lot of work.

It's gonna take some time.

Well, get to it.

Yeah. Get to it.

I guess I'll get to it.

Yeah, I don't get it.

What's that?

That-That's

not a child.

I mean, why you putting

that dog in a day care?

Well, Baxter's more

than just a dog.

He's my best friend.

Best friend, my ass. In Korea,

they'd be eatin' him right now.

Don't

listen to him, Baxter.

He's got emotional issues.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Aw, sh*t.

Ooh.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Lasts a

couple of minutes,

then... I'm good as new.

Okay.

You know, they got people all

over that'll... donate like a...

kidney or lung or

something, man.

Man, I'll give you a

piece of my liver.

Who you-You kidding?

Yeah, you think I

want a 69-year-old...

tequila-soaked organ of yours?

And forget about 6 months.

I'll be dying in 6 weeks.

- You okay?

- What?

Baxter.

Yeah.

If it's any consolation,

mine looks worse.

This is all that's left.

Drink up.

Yeah.

I'm assuming you got some

good insurance coverage.

I got insurance.

I don't know how good.

What are you doin', Frank?

Hey.

I'm not in the mood for a Malark

lecture right now. All right?

Oh, yeah?

Well, the people you're dealing

with are extremely dangerous.

You're lucky you weren't

here when it happened.

Not to mention those kids.

It's a sign, Frank.

Leave it alone and let

Homicide deal with it.

Actually, Officer,

it was my fault.

Excuse me?

Uh, yeah. You see,

it was my idea.

And my man Frank here, he was

just along for the ride.

Are you kidding me? You're teaming

up with the grumpy old man?

I'm not that grumpy.

He's gotten less grumpy. Okay.

Just lay off the case.

You hear me?

I don't wanna hear about you guys stepping

anywhere near it. You understand?

You fellas need a place to stay?

No. No, we're all right.

It's okay.

Iay, Dios mio!

Frank!

Are you okay? Yeah.

He's Bernie. Bernie.

Hey. Rosaria.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

All right. There you go.

I'm gonna bring in some extra blankets

'cause it gets colder in this room.

A bunk bed? You gotta be sh-.

You know what? This is great.

Thank you so much for bringing us in.

Are you kidding?

It'll be nice to have a

little company around here.

Not to mention how much I

appreciate what you both are doing.

All right. Looks like

I'll take the top bunk

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