Bad Match Page #3

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- I'm gonna be late.

- Just a second.

It's important.

Fine, what is it?

The Falling

Still concert is tonight.

You called me at my

office to see if I want

to go to a concert with you?

Well, you said

that you would take me

when they come to town.

Yeah, you know what,

it's kind of short notice.

Look, Riley, I've

gotta go, okay?

Maybe we could

do something else then?

Like, dinner and a movie?

Yeah, you know what,

I think I'm just

gonna take it easy tonight, so.

So, maybe

just Netflix and chill?

I could bring wine?

Yeah, I'm not feeling so great.

So I'm just gonna stay

home and get to bed early,

but we'll hang out soon.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Feel better.

- Okay, I will.

Thank you.

Oh, sh*t.

What the f***, guy?

Sorry, everyone.

All right, let's go again.

It's called oil pulling.

Oil pulling?

Yeah, you swish

coconut oil in your mouth

for 10 minutes every day.

It's supposed to be

really good for you.

Yeah, I don't see how

that could possibly be true.

It's true!

Uh-huh.

See, it says right here:

"Swishing with coconut oil

for 10 minutes every day"

"will strengthen gum and

help fight tooth decay."

Yeah, okay, but look

at the name of the site.

It's althealth.net.

All right, that doesn't

sound like the most

reputable site to me,

I'm sorry, it's true.

Yeah, but look at the comments.

Everyone says it works.

Comments?

Anyone can write.

I have an article

right here which says

that oil pulling has no

proven effect on oral health.

Oh, yeah?

And what site is that?

Healthdaddy.com.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Totally better.

- Most trustworthy source.

- What?

It's...

Oh, my god, you've

gotta be kidding me.

What's up?

It's this girl, she's obsessed.

I mean, she's certifiable.

I'm just glad I

don't have any pets.

- Oh, come on.

- I'm serious!

Man, okay.

She called me today.

No!

She is insane!

Did she use a landline?

Arm yourself, Harris.

This is all a joke

to you guys now,

but when I'm found dead,

I hope you think about this,

and it makes you very, very sad.

Okay, Harris, I'll bite.

How can we help you?

I wish I knew.

Here's an idea.

Stop f***ing every

girl you meet online.

I'm serious!

This girl, what's her name?

- Riley.

- Riley.

Did you ever actually

wanna date Riley?

Or did you just use

her because you thought

she'd be an easy lay?

Okay, I didn't use anybody.

Mm-hmm.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but the order of

events seems to be

you met her, you f***ed

her, you ignored her.

What does that

sound like to you?

Chuck, a little help?

Uh, yeah, uh, look.

I think that she

has a point, Harris.

I mean, look, it doesn't

seem like you want

anything more from these girls

other than to just,

you know, have sex.

Okay, okay, 'cause

you two have been

out of the game for so long,

let me give you a

little refresher.

Nobody is doing this sh*t

because they're in

search of true love.

They may say they are,

but they're lying.

- And what do they want?

- They want to meet someone,

get laid, and bring their boring

lives a little excitement.

It's like going to a

bar on a Friday night

minus everything that sucks

about a bar on a Friday night.

Or maybe that's what you want.

Ever thought about that?

Or were you just too busy

thinking about yourself?

Okay.

You know what?

You're right.

I screwed up, I admit it.

Thank you!

I screwed up by being

a slave to my genitals

and sleeping with the

same lunatic twice

against my better judgment.

- Harris?

- Riley?

I thought you

said you were sick.

Uh, how long have you

been standing there?

Who's Lydia?

Okay, uh, you know what?

We should step outside.

How did you know where I was?

Some girl named Lydia

checked you in on Facebook.

Who is she?

Um, Lydia is my best

friend's girlfriend.

Chuck, Lydia, this is Riley.

- Hey.

- Hi.

So you're not sick?

Uh, I was feeling,

but, you know, I

kind of felt better...

Oh, God, just stop it, Harris.

You think because

I'm some lunatic

you can lie to me

and I'll believe you?

Heard that, huh?

You said you liked me.

Yeah, yeah,

totally, you're great.

You don't give a

sh*t about me, do you?

You just wanted to make

your boring, little life

a little more exciting,

is that it?

Or was it my life

that was boring?

Okay, can we just,

can we just calm down?

You think I'm just some f*** toy

you can have your way with

and never call again,

is that it?

Whoa, just relax, all right?

I never meant to

hurt your feelings.

Oh, I'm sure you didn't.

I'm sure you never thought

about my feelings at all,

did you?

Did you, you f***ing

piece of sh*t?

You f***ing a**hole.

Riley!

You can f*** off

and die, Harris.

Way to go, Lydia.

Sorry.

Hello?

If anybody's in here,

I'm calling the police.

Hello?

We were supposed

to be together forever.

Riley?

If I can't have you, no one can.

That's why it's good to

have a good woman

to go home to, you know?

Someone who could rub your feet.

Oh, shut up.

All right, man, I'll see you.

Yeah, dude,

my keys are in your pack.

Oh, yeah.

I guess you will

be needing those.

I will be needing those.

Keys.

Mm-hmm, thank you.

So, I mean do

you want this phone or...

Ah, you can

keep that, that's fine.

All right, man, I'll see you.

All right, see you, man.

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

What?

Riley, she's still harassing me.

She was texting me the whole

time we were up hiking.

Whoa, what she say?

I don't know,

man, I'm not gonna read 'em.

I'm gonna delete 'em, gonna

block her, and move on.

Oh, no, no, no, come on, man.

It's not like you gotta respond.

Hey, hey, I'm curious.

- Oh, you're curious?

- Yeah.

Please, go right ahead.

Have fun, just delete

'em when you're done.

This is like

the highlight of my life.

She says Bye.

Oh, well, finally, she gets it.

Bye!

Whoa.

Whoa, you might

wanna look at this.

Dude, I

honestly just don't care.

No, no, no, Harris.

I'm serious.

What the f***?

She's not trying

to say she's gonna,

she's gonna kill herself?

Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Oh, come on, this

is just f***ing ridiculous, no.

Whoa, whoa,

you're not concerned?

No, man!

Why should I be?

She's just trying

to get my attention.

Okay, that

doesn't mean she's lying.

Dude, come on.

Who sends a suicide

note by text?

Well, I read

about this woman in Taiwan

who live streamed her suicide.

This stuff happens.

Hey.

- What, there's more, right?

- There's a video.

Okay.

- Oh, wow.

- What the f***?

No, no, no, I mean, come on.

Say this is real, what the f***

am I supposed to do about it?

- You gotta help her.

- Help her?

She's not my

responsibility, man!

Come on, you

can't be serious, Harris.

F***, just, f***!

Look, just call 911.

I'm not calling 911, man.

This is a f***ing prank...

No, then call her.

No, that's what she wants.

That's exactly what

she wants me to do.

Okay, so let

her die, let her die

just so you don't

have to see her again.

No one's gonna die!

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