Bad Moms

1

AMY:
I'm Amy Mitchell,

and I'm a mom.

I had my first kid

when I was 20 years old,

and I've been

running late ever since.

My days are filled with

dropping the kids at school...

Love you.

...then racing to work

where I have meeting,

after meeting,

after meeting.

I usually end up eating

a shitty lunch at my desk,

and I try to work

out once a week.

(SIGHS)

Why do I suck at Zumba?

Most days, I race back to

school for the kids' plays,

and poetry readings

and class projects...

Mom!

...Which I'm always late for.

(MOUTHING) Sorry.

And then

there's PTA meetings,

and volunteering and

parent-teacher conferences.

Jesus, Miss Wiggins

f***in' hates me.

At least once a day, I feel like

the worst mom in the world,

and I cry in my car.

(WAILING)

Then I shuttle the kids to

piano lessons and soccer games

and dance classes

and doctors' appointments,

before my daily trip

to the grocery store.

Ugh.

This chick seems like

she's got it all figured out.

But I feel like I'm

screwing up all the time.

Still, I love being a mom.

Here, baby. There's your

organic turkey club sandwich,

and Dylan, here's your peanut-free

peanut butter for lunch.

What's peanut-free

peanut butter?

I have no idea.

Baby, here's your American

history project I made you.

I hope you like it.

I love you.

I love you!

Oh, my God, Mom!

Not so loud! My God.

I love my babies so much!

God, they hate me.

Hey, Amy!

Hey, guys.

God, I just don't

know how you do it.

You just leave

your kids all day

and go to work?

You're so strong.

Yeah, thank you.

Don't you miss them?

I do. But I also

need, like, money.

Right.

STACY:
Hmm.

Oh, gosh, you guys, I'm so sorry.

I gotta go.

I'm really late

to work.

Well, you're

always late.

I know. It's basically

the only thing

I'm good at these days.

See you guys later.

God, I just love

how hard she works.

Oh, my God, I love

how hard she works.

I just f***in'

said that, Vicky.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

AMY:
I work at

a super-hip coffee company.

I love my job,

but I'm 32 years old and I'm

the oldest person here by far.

Most of these dudes

just play ping-pong all day.

TESSA:
Morning, Momma.

AMY:
Morning, Tessa.

Oh, my God, I am so f***ing

hungover, I might actually die.

(CHUCKLES)

That's probably something

you shouldn't tell your boss.

Oh.

Right. Except that I took like a

shitload of pills this morning,

so I don't totally

know where I am yet.

You're at work, Tess.

Oh, perfect.

Yeah.

May I have a vacation?

I'd like to go to Cuba.

Is that allowed?

No.

Good morning.

TESSA:
Hey, boss!

Good morning, Dale.

I had a dream

last night.

Ooh.

I was naked in a hotel.

I'm talking fully

naked, dick, balls...

Yep, got it.

No glasses. Everything,

fully f***ing naked.

We got it.

I walk over to

the coffee maker

and there is a bag of our

coffee in the hotel room.

Cool dream, Dale.

Thank you, Tessa.

(CHUCKLES)

Um...

Is this your

way of saying that

you wanna start selling

your coffee to hotels, now?

No. This is my way of

saying that I want you

to start selling our

coffee to hotels now.

But Dale, I'm already running

sales for supermarkets,

airlines and restaurants.

I mean,

I'm just part-time.

You are?

Since when?

Six years ago!

(LAUGHS) What?

No way.

She's here like every day.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I know, but I

have a family and stuff, so...

Hey! You know how important

family is to me.

I got it wrote on

my arm right there.

AMY:
Oh, wow.

It's dope, right?

So tight.

Oh, sh*t! I gotta go roller skating.

Do you wanna come?

Yes!

No, Dale!

I have lots

of work to do.

The History Channel

was right.

You guys are the

greatest generation.

AMY:
I live just outside

of Chicago with my two kids,

my dog

and my husband, Mike.

He's a successful

mortgage broker,

but sometimes he

feels like my third child.

Hey, babe.

Hey... Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Look at all the bags you're carrying.

That's hilarious.

You look like a Sherpa.

AMY:
Oh!

You guys. Thank you

for being super patient.

I appreciate it.

(GROANS)

Here we go, guys.

Thanks, honey.

All right, love.

How was work?

Oh, I had two conference

calls and then I took a nap.

It was exhausting.

I bet. I bet.

Uh...

Dylan, baby, how was

your science quiz?

Oh, I got a D.

A D? But we

worked so hard.

Baby, what happened?

Do you need extra help? Should

we get you another tutor?

Mmm, nah, I'm good.

Mike?

Did you hear? Dylan got a

D on his science quiz.

Way to go, bud.

What? Okay.

Um...

Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait! How

was your soccer tryouts?

(SIGHS) Coach is posting a list of

who made the team tonight at 9:00,

and I'm so nervous.

Baby, it's okay, relax. You will

make the soccer team, I promise.

Just don't freak out.

(GASPS) I'm freakin' out.

I am, too.

What time is it now?

8:
59.

(SIGHS) Come on!

(COMPUTER DINGS)

Oh, it's 9:
00! It's 9:00.

Go, go, go! Hit refresh.

Oh, my God. I made the team.

(SQUEALS) I made the team!

Oh, my God.

I am so relieved.

(WHISPERS) Thank you.

Oh, my God.

(GASPS) Baby,

I'm so proud of you!

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, my God.

This is gonna look so awesome

on my college applications.

Baby, it's great,

it's great,

but just remember you're

only 12, so it's...

Wait.

What if I don't play?

What if I'm a loser

benchwarmer scrub?

You're great, you're

gonna be fine, you're...

No! It's not fine, Mom.

Do you understand

how hard it is

to get into

an Ivy League school now?

I mean,

they turn away Asians.

That's a little

racist, but...

Oh, my God! I need to

practice my footwork.

Why'd you let me

eat dessert?

Oh, I know,

because you hate me!

Holy sh*t.

Hey, babe. It's late.

I'm going to bed.

No.

(GASPS) Oh, my God,

are you...

No, no, no, I was just checking

my prostate. (KEYS CLACKING)

You know, I've always wondered

what kind of porn you like.

Why won't this

f***ing window close?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God,

that's a giant bush!

Uh, who the hell

are you?

I'm his wife.

Oh, sh*t.

Are you masturbating

online with some chick?

No, no!

Well, then,

what are you doing?

(STAMMERING) Uh, um... I

was clicking and then I...

So then I was...

Yes, okay, I was masturbating

online with some chick.

What the f***!

Why are you doing that?

Hold on a second. I don't think

I've done anything wrong.

This is totally

mainstream now.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

I don't know,

I don't know, Mike.

This really

feels like cheating.

No, no, no, no, no, this is

definitely not cheating, honey.

I've never even

touched her.

Her giant bush

is 2,000 miles away.

But how long have

you been doing this?

Oh, I don't know.

Not long.

Ten months next Friday.

(MOUTHING)

What the f***?

Ten months?

Do you have

feelings for her?

(EXHALES)

You don't masturbate online

with someone for 10 months

without developing

some feelings.

I mean, I'm not

a monster.

Do you have

feelings for her, Mike?

Yes! Okay? I have feelings for her!

God!

(MIKE SIGHS)

She's actually

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