Bad Moms Page #2

a pretty amazing woman.

You know, she runs

her own dairy farm,

she's developing

an app.

Get out!

What?

Get the f***

out of my house.

So uncool.

(DOOR CLOSES)

SHARON:
You know, Amy,

I just feel like

Mike is feeling

really trapped right now...

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Okay, so your dad had to go

outta town on a business trip,

so I'm gonna try to do

everything myself today,

which should be fine,

as long as everybody does

what they are supposed to do.

Right?

(WHINING)

Oh, no.

Why is Roscoe

walking like that?

He's fine.

He's totally fine.

(GASPS) Oh, no, buddy!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

Lookin' good, Jeff.

Oh.

Thanks. Yeah, you

been workin' out?

No, not for

like 10 years.

Your beige windbreaker is

really lightin' up my board.

Oh, uh, thanks.

Do you know what I mean?

My vagina.

(SIGHS)

Bye. Jeff!

Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

Tell all your friends.

STACY:
(GASPS)

Oh, God.

There goes that little weird

stay-at-home mom.

Emergency PTA meeting tonight.

Tell all your friends.

Oh, I don't have

any friends.

Oh. I'm pretty isolated at home.

I have four kids.

Okay, good. Please move along.

Thank you.

Emergency PTA

meeting tonight.

Thank you

for inviting me.

Oh, my God. She just got all

her sadness all over me.

Oh, sh*t!

Here comes

the hot widower.

Hey, Jessie.

Hey, guys.

VICKY:
Hi.

GWENDOLYN:
Hi.

Cute backpack

you got there.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I'm such an Elsa.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You're hilarious!

You really are!

God, he's so

f***ing hot.

Here you go.

VICKY:
I know.

I'm so glad his wife died.

You know what? I saw him install a

car seat yesterday in two seconds.

I'm tellin' you, it was like

boom, boom, click. (MOANING)

It was so hot.

Oh, gosh.

You know what? I think I'd

let him put it in my butt.

I mean, in theory, I'm not

really into the butt thing,

but I would let him

go to town back there.

I'm with you.

Emergency PTA meeting.

AMY:
Okay, I got four minutes

to get Roscoe to the vet,

so I love you kids, get out,

get out, get out, get out.

I love you so much.

I'm so sorry.

Bye, Mom.

(GASPS)

Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh!

F***, it's so hot!

Can you roll down...

Can you roll down the window?

Okay. Okay, okay.

Hey. Hey, babe, listen.

Hi.

There is a emergency PTA

meeting today at 5:00.

It should be about

two to three hours.

Awesome. Awesome.

Okay?

Your dog's wearing a helmet.

Okay, I know.

Yes, it's... Thank you.

Okay.

F***!

Your dog has vertigo.

That can't be a thing.

And you are gonna have to

carry him until he gets home.

Are you shitting me

right now?

I don't sh*t.

But he will, uncontrollably,

for the next 36 hours.

(WHINING)

I'm here.

I'm here. Amy's here.

You missed

the meeting, bro.

Oh, no.

F***, f***, f***,

f***, f***.

(INDISTINCT)

(PANTING)

(GASPS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

I know, I know.

I'm sorry, I'm late.

Get in, get in, get in.

I can't believe I'm gonna be late

to my first soccer practice.

Baby, I'm doing

the best that I can.

Yeah, that's what

makes it even sadder.

Oh, God.

Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey.

How was your day?

I swallowed

a pen cap again.

Oh, God.

DYLAN:
Ooh!

Crap.

Was that a hit-and-run?

Nope.

Nope.

That was nothing.

Jane, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Excuse me, Coach?

I'm so sorry that Jane is late.

It is all my fault.

You look wrecked.

You having a bad day?

Oh, God, it literally

could not get any...

Ah! (GRUNTS)

Sh*t.

(GROANS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hey...

Hi, guys! Guys, um...

For those of you who have been

living under a rock... (CHUCKLES)

I am Gwendolyn James.

I am the president

of the PTA,

but most importantly,

I am the proud mommy

to two beautiful daughters,

Blaire and Gandhi.

Now, I called this

emergency PTA meeting

to address an issue that radically

affects the safety of our children.

The bake sale.

Is this a joke?

Now, this is a list

of the toxic ingredients

that are absolutely banned

from the bake sale.

No BPA,

no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.

Plus no soy, no sesame,

and, of course, no nuts

or eggs or milk or butter

or salt or sugar or wheat.

Okay?

Sorry, what ingredients

can we use?

Anyway, I will be putting together...

Thank you.

...a special bake

sale police force

that will monitor the food. That

will destroy any offensive treats

and prosecute

the wrongdoers.

Yes.

So who will be

my first volunteer

for the bake sale

police force?

I think we're gonna

have Amy Mitchell!

What?

That's what you get

for being late, sweetie.

No.

(ALL GASP)

(CHUCKLES)

What's that now?

I've had a really long day.

I have been

bruised and burned,

knocked unconscious.

I screwed up my daughter's

first day at soccer

and I hand-searched

my son's poo for a pen cap

and my poor dog

has vertigo.

I mean, who knew that that was

even a real thing, you guys?

God, I'm drowning

at work

and my boss

is a f***ing moron

and... (CHUCKLES)

Three hours ago

I may or may not

have committed

a felony hit-and-run.

(GASPING)

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry.

I'm done.

I quit.

(INDISTINCT MURMURS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, what can I get ya?

Oh, Scotch.

Oh, hey, I know you.

You're that chick that always

picks up my kid from school

when I forget/don't

want to.

Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla.

Carla Dunkler.

Jesus, you look like

a bag of d*cks.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks.

Hi.

I'm really sorry to interrupt,

but, um, I just have to tell you,

what you did back there

was amazing.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

It's Kiki, right?

Yes.

She knows my name.

(STUTTERS)

I feel like

Beyonc Knowles.

Why don't you sit down

and have a drink with us?

What do you mean "us"? Honey, I

was just sitting here by myself.

I would love to,

but I can't.

I have to go to

the grocery store

and then I have to go home and

clean out my son's hamster cage,

'cause he gets so

mad when I forget.

Have a drink, Kiki.

Okay, yeah.

Okay. Yes, I'd like

an apple juice.

Why don't you

have this instead?

Excuse me?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, do you know what my

favorite mom fantasy is?

What?

Uh-oh.

Having a quiet

breakfast by myself.

Oh! That is so hot!

Oh!

Sounds glorious.

Oh.

(SIGHS) Sometimes when I'm

driving all by myself,

I have this fantasy that

I get into a car crash.

Not a big one with fire and explosions,

but just like a little one.

But I do get injured

and I get to go to the

hospital for two weeks

and I sleep all day and I eat

Jell-O and I watch so much TV

and it's all

covered by my insurance.

My kids bring me balloons, and

the nurses rub cream on my feet,

and oh, my God,

it's so amazing.

(SIGHS)

Is that like something you

guys fantasize about, too?

No.

No.

You're bat-sh*t crazy. Yeah.

And I'm never gonna get

into a car with you.

Is it fun

being a single mom?

Yes!

I go to the casino.

Yeah.

You know, I'm

learning karate now.

Plus, I have, like, a stable

of hot dudes to call right up

whenever I want

some D in my V.

I wanna be a single mom.

No, it's f***in' awesome.

Bottom line is,

I have to live my life one

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