Bad Moms Page #3

quarter mile at a time.

Is that from... Yeah.

The Fast and Furious.

I f***ed Vin Diesel when he

was in town doing Furious 6.

You f***ed Vin Diesel?

Yeah.

Vincent Diesel?

It might not have been

actually Vin Diesel,

but I definitely

f***ed a bald guy.

Salud.

Salud.

Yep.

To Vincent Diesel.

Oh, my God.

Jesus.

Kiki, get your sh*t together.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what I hate?

Mmm?

There are so many

f***in' rules now.

Yes, God.

"Don't punish your kids."

"Don't say no to your kids."

Yeah. "Go to your

kid's baseball games."

"Tell your kids

you love 'em."

"Don't f*** the janitor

at your kid's school."

I mean, what the

f*** is this? Russia?

We're killing ourselves, trying to be

perfect, and it's making us insane.

In this day and age, it's

impossible to be a good mom.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Screw it.

Yeah.

Let's be bad moms.

Oh, I'm in.

Right?

Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting.

I'm in!

Yes! To bad moms. Whoo!

To bad moms!

Aw.

I love you guys.

Mmm.

Oh, dude.

We love you, Kiki.

We just met, Kiki.

Forever.

I love you forever. I'm

not into this kind of...

Oh, gosh, honey, we

gotta go get you home.

We gotta go.

Yeah, let's go.

We gotta go. No, I can't. I

have to go to the supermarket.

(KIKI SIGHS)

Let's go

to the supermarket!

(INAUDIBLE)

(ALL GASPING)

Oh, my God.

You're so cute.

KIKI:
Adorable.

Oh, I wanna

eat her face.

Hi, bunny.

All right, let's go!

Where is she?

(GROANING)

Oh, it's so bright,

you guys.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm awesome.

What did you

do last night?

Nothin'.

But we may need to

find a new supermarket.

(AMY GASPS)

Oh, my God. I made

nachos last night!

Oh.

Amazing.

Mmm.

The cheese is so hard.

(GRUNTING)

Um...

Aren't you gonna

make us breakfast?

Oh.

No.

But what are we

gonna eat?

You guys are really smart.

You can make

your own breakfast.

I'm just gonna

take these to go.

Peace!

All right,

get in the car.

You know what?

On second thought,

let's take your

daddy's special car today.

Won't Dad be mad?

Yeah.

Probably.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Whoo!

That was so awesome!

All right.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What is she driving?

Have a great day

at school!

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Your lunch!

(GASPS) Thanks, Mom.

You're the best mom ever!

Aw, I love you, guys!

Is that Arby's?

I love their

hot fish sandwich.

Hey, Amy. Hi.

Hey, we're having

a PTA meeting today

to discuss the upcoming

election at 2:
00.

Will we see you there?

No.

Oh.

That b*tch is

playing a dangerous game.

Amy plays football?

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Amazing!

Oh, this is Amy.

Amy, where are you? The morning

huddle started an hour ago.

Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that.

It's a total waste of time.

(SNICKERING)

Are you feeling okay, Amy?

Are you having

a senior moment?

I've actually

never felt better.

I'm having a quiet breakfast

and reading the newspaper

for the first

time in 12 years.

You need to come into

the office right now!

No, I don't. I don't, Dale. I only

work for you three days a week.

If you want me to work more, then

you should pay me to do that.

Okay, Amy, you're kind of

making me look like a dick

in front of everybody

in the office right now.

Have a great meeting!

Goodbye, Dale.

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.

Hi!

Um, I was actually

calling to see,

uh, if you'd like to join

me at the movies today.

Are we allowed to do that?

Well, I don't see why not.

I can't. I mean, I have

to iron Kent's underwear.

What? Why?

I don't know. He likes

really stiff underwear.

Come on, Kiki,

live a little.

(CRYING)

Uh... Okay. Okay, okay.

I'll do it.

(CHUCKLES) Awesome.

Okay, I'll call Carla.

Oh, fun! I like her.

I'm also

very scared of her.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

Ow! Ow!

CARLA:
Yo!

Hey, it's Amy.

Um, I'm calling to see

if you'd like to join

Kiki and I at the

movies this afternoon.

I'm already here.

Hey, lady.

Get off your phone.

Guess what?

She dies in the end.

Yeah, cancer gets her.

What?

Yeah, what do you

b*tches wanna see?

(SLURPING)

Love is stronger

than space.

You guys, lady boners over here.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPING AND CHEERING)

Cheers, ladies.

Mmm.

Mmm.

This has been

so much fun.

Thank you, girls,

for coming out with me.

Are you kidding me?

This has literally been the

best day of my entire life.

Oh, honey.

My ex is picking up the kid,

so I can go all night if...

Oh. Hey, did you

hear that?

My ex has my kid.

AMY:
Hey, hon, I've got

a question for you.

Is it hard to share your

son with your ex-husband?

(LAUGHS) F*** no.

No?

Have you seen my kid?

He's like nine feet tall

and all he cares

about is baseball.

Do you go

to all of his games?

No. No, I don't.

(AMY LAUGHS)

The last game I went

to was six hours long

and the final score

was one to two.

So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan

than another kids' baseball game.

Cheers.

How do you think that your

divorce affected your kid?

How are things

in your home, Amy?

Oh, it's fine.

(SCOFFS) Everything's fine.

Ugh.

I caught Mike having an

affair online with a woman,

and I guess it's been going

on for like 10 months.

Oh! Did you drive

a spike through his nuts?

(LAUGHING)

No. Here's the truth.

Our marriage has

been over for years.

I don't even remember

the last time we had sex.

Kent and I have sex every

Friday night after Blue Bloods.

(LAUGHS)

I find Tom Selleck's work

to be extremely erotic.

I feel like everything that comes out

of your mouth is a cry for help.

(CHUCKLES)

Kiki, you're so weird.

CARLA:
No, wait,

why did you marry this

shithead in the first place?

He sounds like

an a**hole.

Because we were

young and in love.

I mean, he wasn't always an a**hole.

I promise you.

It's true. Listen, I got

pregnant, we got married.

I was only 20.

You know what? Mike and I

never got our twenties.

Like, you know, the

fun twenties, and...

I feel like

maybe he missed that.

Oh, my God.

Maybe I did, too.

When I was in my twenties, I

would just walk down the street

and it would just be raining

d*cks wherever I went.

It was just dick,

dick, dick, dick,

dick, dick, dick,

dick, dick, dick.

It was, like, forecast,

lot of cock!

(INDISTINCT)

Kiki?

Hi. Kent, hi.

What are you

doing here?

I'm just having lunch

with my new friends.

Who's watching the kids?

Rosie.

Isn't that your job?

Whoa! Who the f***

are you?

Yes. Yes, Kent.

It absolutely is my job, and I

was just about to leave, so,

um, thank you guys

so much.

I can't, uh,

do the math right now.

Just take that and have a

wonderful day, you guys.

I really enjoyed it.

Thank you.

Oh, my...

Nice to meet you,

Ike Turner!

That's really

disturbing.

Yes!

But on the plus side,

she left way too much cash,

so I think I'm gonna

get f***ed up!

(GROANS)

Yeah, donut holes!

I love these things.

How much are they?

Um...

Five cents.

How about a dollar?

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