Bad Moms Page #4

(GASPS) What?

Hey now, big spender.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Thank you.

Mmm.

Why are these so good?

Caramel number six.

Is that what it is?

Mmm-hmm.

They're tasty.

She's adorable.

Thank you.

Mmm-hmm.

Good to see you.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.

What do we have here?

Are these store-bought

donut holes, Amy?

What? No.

Gosh, no,

I made them by hand

and then I put them in the

weird plastic container.

Oh, thank God.

'Cause we do not

allow store-bought

holes.

Seriously, Vicky? AMY:

Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.

Who cares what

food people bring

as long as it

raises money, right?

Oh, did she just... Oh. She did.

Hit her with it, G.

Well, you see,

I care, sweetie.

I don't... I don't know what's

been going on with you,

I mean, with your

weird outbursts

and your terrible style,

but it ends now.

Okay? I run this school,

and no one takes

a class or kicks a ball

or plays a f***in' clarinet

without my say-so.

And I can make life

a living hell for you

and your dirty

little children.

Do you understand me?

Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely think

you should just relax a little bit,

I mean, have a donut hole.

They're delicious.

They're from a gas station.

They're... Mmm.

You have crossed

the line, little girl.

And I am going

to destroy you.

Winter is coming.

(CHUCKLES)

Gwendolyn.

Oh, my God.

You are so f***ed.

What...

Bye.

Bye.

Out of my way!

I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.

You psyched for

Mandarin class?

No!

No.

Mandarin class

is so stressful.

Everyone just

barfs the whole time.

Did you say "barfs"?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Wha...

Why are we doing this?

What are you doing? Mandarin

class is back that way!

I know.

But we're gonna

play hooky today.

JANE:
We cannot

afford this place.

AMY:
Don't worry.

I've got a plan.

Shh. Get in here, you idiots.

We totally snuck in.

I know! Shh. I can't believe

you have a real job.

You're a lucky girl, Becky. I

would never do this for my kid.

Yeah. My mom's

pretty cool.

Also, my name's Jane.

Okay.

All right. Showers on

the left. Have fun, guys.

Bye, Becky! Shh.

Okay, thanks, Carla.

This place is fancy.

Gosh.

Oh, look.

Free soap.

No, honey,

don't take that.

(GASPS) Oh, no, that's some good soap.

Take it, take it.

This is what the tub looks like

after your brother takes a bath.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You look like Kung Fu Panda.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

This is amazing.

Mmm-hmm.

We should get matching

tattoos after this.

(LAUGHS)

I'm really glad

we did this, Mom.

I haven't felt this

relaxed in, like, ever.

God, you needed a break from

school and soccer and...

(GRUNTS)

This whole Dad thing.

What whole Dad thing?

Nothing. Nothing!

(GASPS) Does Dad

have a brain tumor?

What? No!

No, no, no, no.

God, no. Um...

Your dad and I are going through

a rough patch right now.

Are you guys

gonna get divorced?

What? No, no, no.

No. We're not getting

divorced right away.

I just want you to know that

no matter what happens,

it's not your fault.

Why would it be

my fault?

Why would you even

say that?

I don't know!

Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry!

I suck at this!

I just don't

wanna be weird, okay?

Baby, please don't cry. Please...

No, no, no, no, no.

Honey, I need you to look at

me, just look at me, okay?

Baby, baby...

I need you to know

that your dad loves you.

That I love you.

And I promise you,

you will be fine.

(SOBS)

How do you know?

Because I'm your mom,

and I know you

better than anyone,

and I know what

you're made of.

Oh, honey.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, Coach?

Coach!

F***!

Hi, Gwendolyn.

Hi, how are you?

Listen, um,

I wanna talk to you about

the starting lineup of

next week's game. Mmm-hmm.

In particular, Amy

Mitchell's daughter, Jane.

You know I can't discuss

specific players with you.

And you know that

I chair the hiring

and firing committee,

right?

So let's stop clicking around and

let's get to the f***ing point.

Please don't get

me fired, Gwendolyn.

My cat just died.

Oh.

And I'm really very

fragile right now.

Bench the little dork.

Yeah, she's f***in' gone.

I need this. This is my time. Do you

know what I mean? (CELL PHONE RINGS)

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(EXHALES)

Go for Carla.

Hey, it's Amy,

I just found out Mike is staying

with his Internet girlfriend.

Oh, f*** him!

We need to get you laid.

I wanna get laid.

I'm on my way.

I'm so excited.

CARLA:
Honey, I don't know,

what are you gonna wear?

It's like a nun's closet.

(GASPS) No, no, wait.

I got it, I got it.

Let's see this!

It's my favorite.

I love it.

No! No! Are you trying

to get laid or adopted?

Oh.

Fair point.

Ooh.

Okay.

That's what a lonely

person gets buried in.

F***, you guys, I literally

have nothing, then.

I have mom clothes,

I have work clothes.

Okay, you know, let me get

in there one more time.

I'm gonna find it. Move. Move.

Move, move, get me in here.

I have jackets, I have lots of 'em.

We'll find it.

We'll find something, honey.

Don't get discouraged.

AMY:
Okay. Okay.

You can do this.

I mean, Jesus Christ!

This is something that

Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.

I love that movie.

(GASPS)

Me too.

Okay.

KIKI:

It's such a good film.

Wait a minute,

I see a spaghetti strap.

No, hold on. This was, like, my slutty

Halloween costume from college.

I like the word "slutty."

Put it on.

Just try it.

Try it.

You guys are ridiculous.

I'm telling you...

Holy f***! Look at your mom bra!

Ooh.

There's so much

surface area.

You can make three regular

bras out of this one mom bra.

This isn't my mom bra.

This is my sexy bra.

(LAUGHS) Shut up!

Don't laugh.

Wait, are you serious?

Yes!

Oh, honey.

Amy.

Oh! That looks like you

just got out of surgery.

Is it that bad?

Yeah, there's just one boob-log.

Yeah.

You don't even

have two tits.

I have this in black. Do you

guys wanna see it in black?

No!

No!

Oh, wow. This bra will be

the death of your vagina.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh!

AMY:
Oh, my gosh.

You guys, I've only handled

one penis my entire life.

Oh, honey!

What do I do if I get

a guy with a weird dick?

Kent is a never-hard.

Ooh.

What's a never-hard?

Oh, he never

gets fully hard.

So I just have to kind of fold his

penis up like a balloon animal

and shove it up

in my vagina.

That sounds horrible!

AMY:
Yeah.

Sometimes I take the balls

and shove 'em up there, too,

because at least,

you know, they're firm.

Honey, that is a lot of sh*t

to shove up your cooter.

I mean, I'm just

happy he's circumcised.

(GASPS) What if I get somebody

who's not circumcised?

Run out of the room

screaming.

It's like finding

a gun in the street.

Just scream and

get outta there!

No way, you guys.

Uncut guys are great.

Really?

Oh, they're always

so nice to you,

because they know

their d*cks are gross.

How do I handle it?

What, do I just touch it?

Oh, I'll show you. Here.

Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec?

Uh-uh. What?

Just imagine for a second that

this is the hood of the uncut cock

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