Bad Moms Page #5

and then this is the penis face.

Okay? Mmm-hmm.

So, what you would

do is very gently,

you would just kind

of try to peel it back

over like that to expose

the head of the cock.

Okay. And then you

would just gently,

you wanna, I'm sorry,

honey, you just wanna kind of,

like it gets

a little tight,

and you gotta

kind of work it,

you know, you gotta work it off.

And then you just go to town

like it's a, you know...

(GRUNTS) You know,

you jerk it off

till you wanna

sit on it.

Okay? What do I do with this?

What? Like, do I put it in a

hair clip or do I just...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, this,

this you can

flick it, suck it,

you know,

rub your face on it.

I don't wanna do that. I don't

wanna rub my face on it.

Okay, well, take care

of this, though. Okay.

'Cause this is like a

big, giant man clit.

This, right here.

If you work this,

it's gonna be like...

(GRUNTS)

(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

Does that make sense, honey?

Yeah, it's great.

Okay. Sure, sure, sure.

Thank you, honey.

I'm not gonna wear this

sweatshirt ever again.

CARLA:
Okay, okay, all right.

Let's get right down to it.

What kind of guy

are you into, honey?

(GASPS) You know what? I've

never been with a Latin man.

If I were you,

I would start with maybe

like just kind

of fat and Jewish,

and then work yourself

into the Latin guy.

Excuse me.

Okay.

Hi, there.

Hi!

Is this seat taken?

Um, yes.

I mean, yes, no,

like yes, sit, please. Yeah.

What do I do?

Ask him about his hobbies.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I'm Amy.

Braden.

Braden, nice

to meet you, Braden.

Nice to meet you. I

like your wedding ring.

Sh*t!

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

(STUTTERING) Okay, you see,

this is a funny story.

I was, um...

I was grocery shopping

and I found it on the floor,

and I picked it up and...

And then I put it on.

I'm gonna sit somewhere else.

Okay.

Ooh, maybe next time, try it

without your wedding ring.

Oh, that's a great idea! Yeah?

Yes.

Hey, ladies.

Hi! Where are you

comin' in from?

Uh, we live in

Westbury with our kids.

Great. Oh.

Oh, forget it. I'm really

nervous, you guys.

You're doing great.

I know, I know. There is...

You're doing great.

Look it, there is so

much cock in here...

Yeah... that if

you literally...

Just try to act half-normal

and you are gonna get laid.

Just don't be such a mom. Okay.

You should eat more soup.

Oh, I loved breastfeeding until

my nipples started cracking.

This should prevent the

stain from setting, okay?

Tupperware! Pinterest!

Explosive diarrhea!

Does your mom

know you're here?

See, it wasn't just about a

dolphin getting a new tail.

It was about a family

coming together.

What did I say?

(LAUGHS)

Hey! Where are you going?

Oh, my God, you guys.

How'd it go?

Oh, horrible.

What's the matter, hon?

What happened?

I suck at this.

I just wanna go home.

Oh!

I really do.

Amy!

Mmm.

Jessie! What are you

guys doing here?

We're just, you know, having

a little girls' night.

Cool, so the husband's at home

with the kids? That's nice.

Oh, mmm...

My husband's not really

in the picture anymore.

Yeah, yeah, she caught him

jerking off with a dairy farmer.

He's a sex criminal.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know where to start.

Are you okay?

I'm actually really,

really good. Yeah.

I'm glad I ran into you.

This is really nice.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

Okay, creepy.

Let's go.

Let's go, creepy. Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay.

Have fun.

You are so hard.

Really, he's got

a hard body.

Thank you. I think.

I cannot believe Amy is

talking to Jessie Harkness.

I have dreams about

him braiding my hair.

Okay, can you not

stand so close to me?

Because I'm still

trying to get laid.

Yeah, sure. No problem. Okay.

And don't dance walk.

You work at the, uh,

coffee company, right?

What? Yeah. Wait,

how did you know?

I might have asked around

about you a little bit.

Wait. You asked about me? Yeah.

Yeah, I...

Okay, I've kind of always

had a thing for you and...

What?

I thought you knew that.

No! I had no idea.

No? You had no idea?

Oh, come on. You're like my

favorite mom at the school.

I mean, I honestly don't

know how you do it.

You take your kids

to all those activities,

and you do all

those insane projects.

I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way.

That was incredible.

Well, you know what? I do have a

little thing for papier-mch.

It was really good.

Thank you.

Oh, and are you kidding me

with those lunches?

You know, my daughter's

always saying,

"Why can't you make lunch

like Dylan's mom?"

Oh, my God,

I love your daughter.

You're making me look bad.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this makes me

so happy. (CHUCKLES)

You know what's just

really amazing, though,

is the fact that your kids

are actually nice people.

Meh, eh...

No, no, I'm serious!

Anyone could force their kids

to play cello or speak Chinese

or, you know, go to a fancy

college, or something like that,

but what's really

hard is raising kids

who are actually

decent and kind

and somehow

you've done that.

And you should

be really proud.

You're a f***in'

great mom.

(GROANS) Oh, oh...

(CHUCKLING) Oh, my.

I'm so sorry.

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

And I'm so embarrassed.

You kind of nailed my face, but

we should probably do it again.

Are you sure? Just

no sudden movements.

Just nice and slow.

Carla. Carla!

What, hon?

Carla, look, look,

look, look!

CARLA:
No, Kiki.

No, Kiki!

Kiki, no, no.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(CHUCKLES)

Mike!

Hey, babe!

What are you doing?

I wanna get back together.

I never should've left you.

That was a total dick move.

And I feel like we should

just put that in the past

and not talk about it.

Wait, what are you

talking about?

Look, I...

I just needed a break.

Haven't you ever

needed a break?

Of course I have, Mike.

But I didn't break up

our family to do it.

(SIGHS)

I miss the kids.

So much.

Mostly Dylan, but even

Jane a little bit, too.

And the dog,

God, I miss Roscoe so much.

How is he doing?

He's fine.

Thank God.

The bottom line is,

I will do whatever it takes

to keep this family together.

Really?

You'll finally go

to therapy with me?

I knew you were gonna say that!

Therapy is so dumb!

Great. Get out!

Have fun. Bye-bye.

Hey! I'm trying to

do the right thing!

Bye-bye, Mike.

Honestly!

All right, you know what?

Even though it's a total waste of

time and money, I will go to therapy.

But when I say go, I mean, like

actually go, like participate, cry.

I haven't cried since the

Cubbies lost it all in '03.

How do you expect me...

Mike, you know what?

Have fun with your little weirdo

girlfriend on the Internet.

But wait, are we gonna

go to therapy or what?

I'll think about it.

Hey.

(CRYING)

Honey? Honey,

are you okay?

Coach says I'm not starting.

I'm a benchwarmer.

Wait, what?

No, that's impossible.

You're the best

forward on that team.

Oh, my God, my life is ruined.

I'm never going to college.

I might as well

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