Bad Moms Page #6

just become a teacher.

Baby, baby,

look at me for one second.

You'll be okay. I promise

you I'm gonna handle this.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Just please

don't make a scene.

Honey, I would

never embarrass you.

(GRUNTS)

Gwendolyn made me do it!

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

What is it with

you moms?

I am a middle school

soccer coach.

All I wanna do

is make enough money to feed my

cats and fill my f***in' Prius.

Grow some balls! Jesus!

Hey!

How dare you

bench my daughter?

Oh, hi, Amy.

You have no right

to do that.

Oh, actually, I do,

uh, because soccer

is a PTA-sponsored activity

and I am the president

of the PTA. So...

Oh... Okay.

Uh...

Well, um...

Not for long.

Oh, dear.

What does that mean?

That means I'm gonna run

against you for PTA president.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

(WHISPERING) Amy's husband

just recently left her,

so she's kind of having

a mental breakdown right now.

Oh, that's so sad.

Ooh.

You're goin' down.

GWENDOLYN:
No, honey,

the only thing going down is

your husband on another woman.

Well, damn.

KIKI:
This is

a terrible idea, Amy.

There's no way

you can beat her.

Gwendolyn has been president of

the PTA for the last six years.

Kiki, she messed with my kid. I

can't let that stand. Come on!

KIKI:
Right, but all

the different mom groups

are gonna vote

for Gwendolyn.

She's got the attachment moms,

she's got the tiger moms,

the sad moms.

She has the blogging moms.

She's got the CrossFit moms.

Camel toe moms.

She's got the drunk moms.

The moms

that you wanna f***.

The moms that

used to be dads.

She has the moms that

always have a limb broken.

The hairy moms.

The wearable art moms.

The juicing moms.

Mmm-hmm.

She has the moms

with the huge areolas.

The black moms, the lesbian

moms, the divorced moms.

She even has the divorced

black lesbian moms.

That is a really

hard group to get.

I love those girls.

Plus, Amy, if you lose,

she'll destroy you.

She'll put your kids in all the

dumb classes with all the dum-dums.

She'll give 'em

the crappy teachers.

You can forget about soccer, she

won't even give your kids milk.

But that's all the more reason

we have to bring her down.

I mean,

you guys, she's a bully!

Okay, she wants us all to be

these perfect little Nazi-moms

and our kids to be hyper-stressed

and over-scheduled.

My daughter gets a new rash

every week, and she's 12.

You had me at Nazi.

I say we go punch that

chick right in the tits.

Yes!

Would you like a new

PTA president? Me too!

Hi. Meet the Candidate Night

tomorrow night, 7:30.

Here, honey. Take one.

Vote for Amy. Really?

Amy Mitchell.

PTA president.

Come tomorrow, 7:30,

Meet the Candidate Night.

PTA president.

No! No, thank you!

Take it!

Okay!

Great!

(LAUGHING)

I'll f*** your husband if you don't go.

I'll f*** him!

Vote for Amy!

Carla, get her!

Hey! Hey!

Don't you f***in' run from me!

Don't you f***in'...

Ah!

(CHUCKLES)

It's so cute.

So, how many people

do you think are coming

to the Meet

the Candidate Night?

Well, I told all the

moms that I would

bang their husbands if

they didn't show up, so...

AMY:
(CHUCKLES) Carla.

A lot. My answer is a lot.

Thank you, Kiki.

Oh, Jesus, you guys,

look at the kids.

My daughter

won't stop studying.

CARLA:
Oh, feel lucky.

All my kid wants to do with

books is rip 'em in half.

I just wish I knew

how I was doing, you know?

Yeah, that's the worst part

about being a mom, though,

is you don't know whether or

not you're doing a good job

until they're fully grown.

And by that point,

it's too late.

(AMY SIGHS) Your kid

is either a nice guy

or he's giving hand

jobs in an alley for rent.

I don't think those

are the only two options.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(CHUCKLES)

Yesterday, I gave

Bernard the wrong juice box

and he called me

a dumb b*tch.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

My kid still watches Sesame

Street and he doesn't get it.

(CHUCKLES)

My daughter's

scared of balloons.

My kid eats

butter like an entre.

You gonna eat

your butter?

My daughter stole money

from a homeless woman.

(KIKI SIGHS)

My son failed study hall.

Claire killed

our neighbor's ferret.

I mean, we all pretended like it

was an accident, but it wasn't.

She's a killer.

(LAUGHING)

Ugh.

I know we make fun of them, but

f***, I love them so much.

KIKI:
Me too.

I would literally

die for them right now.

Oh, you're making me cry.

(SNIFFLES)

I'm already there.

I mean, oh, my God,

you guys,

children are such a gift.

Every time I think

about that big,

dumb motherf***er

going off to college,

I wanna cry like a baby.

(BLOWS NOSE)

This sucks.

I can't believe

you're making me cook

my own breakfast

every single day.

You're doing awesome, buddy.

You really are.

Hey, so where's

my science project?

Oh, I didn't do it.

What? But it's due today.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's so unfair!

I know. I know.

I'm so sorry.

But you're gonna

actually have to start

doing your own

homework from now on.

I am a slow learner,

remember?

You're not a slow learner.

You're just entitled.

Honey, do you know

what "entitled" means?

No. Because

I'm a slow learner.

It means that Mommy and Daddy

have been spoiling you,

and now you think the

world owes you something,

but it doesn't.

And if you don't learn

how to work hard now,

then you're just gonna grow up to

be like another entitled white dude

who thinks he's awesome

for no reason.

And then you'll start

a ska band,

and it'll be awful, and

you'll be mean to girls,

and you'll grow this ironic

mustache to look interesting,

but you won't actually be interesting,

and I'm not okay with that.

So will you please, please,

just do your own homework?

Fine. Jesus!

Great.

I love you.

So where are

your kids tonight?

Oh, they're staying

at a friend's house.

I gave my kid $10

and a cell phone

and I dropped

him off at Arby's.

He'll be fine

for hours.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

CARLA:
(GASPS)

Somebody's here.

Amy for president!

AMY:
Yes!

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Thank you

so much for coming.

I didn't want her

to bang my husband.

No, she was

just kidding.

Oh.

(MOUTHING)

I wasn't kidding.

Ugh.

Come in, come in. I'm

sorry, nobody's here yet.

Yeah, well, I figured, what with Gwendolyn's

party and everything. (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry,

what did you say?

Oh, nuts.

You didn't know.

Gwendolyn decided to throw a

competing party at her house.

And she has Martha Stewart.

How would you like to try

these special meatballs?

Now, I don't have anything

nice to say to anyone,

but I have to tell you,

I just love you.

I've always wanted

to be you, actually.

Yes.

Oh.

Martha, sweetheart.

Hi, hi.

Everything

looks so beautiful.

Well, thank you so much,

and how's Blaire and Gandhi?

It's been nice talking to you,

Martha, but I have things to do.

Stop talking to her.

Okay.

Um, ladies? Hi, can I get

your attention, please?

Eyes here so I know you're hearing me.

PARTY GUESTS:
Shh.

Listen, the program is gonna

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